The Messiness of 70s Movies

On the whole, I don't like American movies made in the late 60s and 70s, the ones created by the new wave of filmmakers that portrayed the grittiness of life. I've seen the classics: Taxi Driver, Midnight Cowboy, etc., and I watched them more because they were classics than because I dug them.

But I just saw The Great White Hope. It's a movie based on a play (often the best movies). It's a riveting story loosely based on Jack Johnson. The first black heavyweight contender (played by James Earl Jones) at the beginning of the 20th century and a white woman (played by Jane Alexander) fall in love. America responds by basically running them out of town and destroying their lives.

Surprise, surprise. That's not what's brilliant about this movie. What is so great is how it portrays the blatant racism of American society. It was(is) ugly, and the movie showed it totally bare bones. There was this one great scene that personified my theory of how the powerful stay powerful in this society. Jack is down and out in Mexico; he's a fugitive, no one will box him, he and Eleanor are living in the slums. A federal marshal shows up with the jefe of the Mexican village. The marshal barely says a word in the scene, but his presence pits the Mexican sheriff and the black man against each other. The brown men are ready to kill each other to protect their interests threatened by the white man barely saying a word.

This movie so couldn't be made today. White people are saying lines like a great white hope needs to win a fight with a horizontal n****r at his feet...it seems like only black people can say the n-word in movies today. Jack beats Eleanor with a shirt to avoid punching her. At the end of Jack's last fight, his bloody mouth guard falls out. It was a deep flick. Make sure you see it.

Conspiracy Theorist

Call me crazy, but am I the only one that thinks that Rev. Wright is being paid...by someone?

The Effect of Divorce on the Kids

Something I've had to rework is my schedule. One way TM supported me this past year was to walk Ella during the days I was stuck at school for 12 hours or more. Despite TM's arguments to the contrary, they formed a bond. Today was the first day Ella had to spend most of the day alone, without seeing either me or TM for very long. What did she do? She went through one of my bags and literally tried to eat my homework. It was a homework that had already been graded, but still...

Ella misses TM. Probably not as much as I miss him, but Ella lived with him for a year as well. She is acting up because she has become accustomed to his presence and now he's not here.

I know how she feels. It's been two days since I've had any interaction with him and it feels like two weeks.

Zombie

I survived the weekend, but I am pretty much in a state of rawness and numbness. The feelings I'm feeling are so intense that I can barely feel them. For example, I just spent several hours watching episodes of "South of Nowhere" on the n...I mean several hours. Hours I had scheduled to do work. Now it's midnight and the thought of going to bed in an empty house again scares me to death.

I miss him so much that just thinking about it makes me short of breath.

But someone just told me that I'm brave and fearless, in that I continue on despite the fear. So I'm just going to take her word for it, try to finish this short paper, and go to bed.

This is going to be a rough weekend

TM moves out this weekend. He has a lot of his stuff packed already. He's going to use the car to save money on moving costs. He also doesn't have a lot of furniture to move, so it should be straight forward.

I've been pretty much a zombie today. I got on campus and broke down in the arms of my friend. I am feeling the break-up all over again...which I knew I would. As I told my friend, TM and I were supposed to travel through our lives together. Wherever he went, I was going to go; and vice versa. That's how I interpreted him moving to Boston with me. It sucks so much that he didn't see it that way...that he's moving out and I'm not going with him.

On the advice of another friend, I'm keeping myself busy this weekend. I'm going to work all day and night today. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a party. Sunday, I plan on working out and going to the library. It probably won't help, but at least I'll get work done.

Did I mention how much this sucks?

Colson's New Career

Colson Whitehead remains a writer, a damn fine one...though I could not finish Apex Hides the Hurt to save my life. But I think he's taking on a new writing medium and it makes me happy. He's written two articles for the New York Times that I know of. The first one was about being a writer in Brooklyn and it was simultaneously insightful, angry, and hilarious.

But this one...this one is awesome. It puts up a huge mirror to the hypocritical race talk around this presidential race. It's also one of the most eloquent "f*ck you's" I have ever read. Please everyone read it, then use the Times website to send it to everyone else. That way it will become the most emailed article and then more people will read it.

Then talk about it: with me through comments, with your own blog, with friends, family, and co-workers. It's important. I recently found out that a person who I thought "got it" in terms of race in this country doesn't really get it at all. It was a very upsetting realization. People so need to get it, and not just in some theoretical, intellectual framework. In a real way that affects their lives. That's what Obama is doing: he is making race real for a bunch of people who would prefer it to stay an theoretical construct.

Colson is helping.

Read in the Elevator of Harvard's Health Center

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring."

-T. S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"

On Top of Everything Else...

I think I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist because of the shocks I'm feeling when I ride my new bike. Great.

A Trigger

My cognitive therapist has been teaching me tools to better understand why I think and act the way I do. I absolutely LOVE it. Anyway, he made me aware of triggers: stimuli that cause an extreme emotional reaction in me, so extreme that I become flooded with emotions I can't explain or even describe. It's very hard to identify the trigger because: 1. while you're being flooded, it's hard to even remember your name, and 2. when you're not triggered, you don't want to go back to that place lest you become triggered again. It's a meticulous, careful, and caring process to break the pattern apart.

So I think I've made the first step. I realize the thought of TM leaving me for another person is a trigger. This morning, TM was wearing his cologne. He hasn't worn it in a long time. My mind immediately starts to race, filled with images of how he's trying to impress another woman. Then I start thinking...He's been waiting to be free of me so he can pursue this other woman.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not justified in my anger. I asked him point-blank on the day we broke up if there was another woman in the mix and he said "no." So if I find out that he was willing to work on things until he saw another option and then just decided to bail...well I don't
think I could ever face him again if he betrayed me like that.

But it's not okay that my mind immediately jumps to the fact that he's getting it on with some woman from work in the broom closet; that he spends all his time with her complaining about what an awful girlfriend I was; that he feels so much freer now that I'm gone. Because those thoughts just send me into a tailspin.

So I took the first step. I have another therapist appointment next week...I'll let you know what the second step is.

A Caveat

Pre-script: This is more for me than anyone else.

I need to state for the record that TM is not a bad person. He is not the man I thought he was, but he isn't the man he thought he was either. I'd imagine that's harder for him to deal with than it is for me.

TM decided that he wanted other things more than he wanted me. Of course, I wish he realized this a year ago before we moved in together, before we made plans together, before we talked about how we would raise our children, before I began to see my future with him. And of course, I wish I saw his struggles with commitment for what they were and not romanticized them into some sort of symbolic journey to make his way to me. I wish he listened to me as much as he listened to his aunt. I wish he talked to me as much as he talked to his best friend. I wish he would have given couples' counseling a chance. I wish....

I digress. TM...for now...is not Ex. He is not leaving me for another woman who he had sex with while we were together. He is not saying this is all my fault. He has treated me badly during this process, but he trying not to...see earlier post...and I haven't always taken the high road. I know that trying not to disrespect me isn't enough, but it's something.

I am very angry and hurt and sad now; that is what it is. But I have to remind myself that I did love something about this person, and that wasn't a mistake. My love is never a mistake, even if other people treat it as such.

Things Are Falling Into Place, Housing-Wise

1. TM was incredibly cruel to me Saturday. Hurt me so badly, I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. Ended up retching over the toilet. He sort of apologized...in a text message...and we are civil, but I have seen the dark side. If a man who said he loved me just a few short weeks ago could do what he did to me and then barely acknowledge it, then he really isn't ready for a relationship with someone like me. Though I don't understand it...and D tells me that I should stop trying...I have accepted the fact that TM is actually this un-empathetic.
   
   
2. The above action spurred me into action. I started packing a bag for Ella and me, but then decided that he should leave early. I don't know how I'm going to cover the part of his rent that I'll have to, but it's worth it to have him out of the house while I mourn and finish up my semester in my own apartment.
   
   
3. The couple that lives below us just called and said they want to move into our place! So we don't have to find a new tenant...they do.
   
   
4. The perfect apartment is available June 1...my moving day, I just have to wait until the landlords come back from vacation and win them over in an interview.
   
   
5. I've got another interview for an apartment on Wednesday, and people are responding to my emails.

Is it crazy that I still miss him so much and wish we were still together?

Remind Me...

..to NEVER, EVER, EVER live with another man unless we are engaged first. Not talking about marriage, not considering it, not if he says, "I see moving in together as a step toward marriage." We must be engaged FIRST. Even then, I still might wait until we're married.

Wanna know why? Because good men become *ssholes during a break-up. You would think that if the break-up didn't involving treating the other person like shyte, it would be easy to keep doing the same while you try and go your separate ways. Boy, am I wrong. Men become liars and they become mean. They tell you one thing and tell others something else entirely. They say they are "fond" of you, but still do things that are totally disrespectful of you and what you both shared.

The thing is: I wouldn't know any of this if we didn't live together. If I wasn't in the middle of finals, and if my stuff wasn't all over this house, and if we didn't have tons of stuff that we bought together, if I had the time to just pack up and go. I would just deal with my heartache in my own place and not know what he's doing in his.

So the next time I fall in love, remind me that I am NOT to move in with him. Even if he says "we should be living together." Even if he's willing to relocate to live with me. If he's thinking about marrying me, then he will marry me. Thinking about marriage is no longer good enough for me.

Fending off the Fears

This week was all right...until yesterday. Partly this was because I hadn't been getting enough sleep due to work. So I thought I would just crash early last night and then feel better. However, I slept for eight hours and woke up with a headache. I then just wrote an email to the couples counselor we met with one time telling her we need to cancel our appointments in May, and the floodgates started up again.

THIS SUCKS SO BADLY!!! I can't believe I have to be grammatically correct even when things are sucking so badly!

What if my whole "taking it one day at a time" modus operandi is just me faking it? What if I'm deluding myself that I'll be okay when depression is creeping up on me? Is saying "I can't get depressed" enough to not get depressed? Am I playing mind games with myself and losing?

I hate that on top of all that I have to deal with right now, I also have to deal with monitoring my mental health.

On another note, I have a wish: I wish someone close to TM, like a family member or his best friend, said to him:

"TM, you are making a mistake. I know it's hard, but the point of life is finding a balance between making a connection with someone else and staying true to yourself. L. Britt is a wonderful, funny, supportive, and caring woman. You are lucky she loves you. Don't let her go."

I've said it to him, but I'm a little biased. Most of his crew is supporting his decision however, because that's what your crew is supposed to do. I just wish someone wouldn't.

A Grown-Up Epiphany

I have not been exercising lately. I figured that I didn't have the time/energy, what with finishing up all my work for the semester, downsizing my stuff (my new apartment will either be tiny or be a shared space), and looking for a new apartment. Besides, I deserve to lay like a slug...I just got dumped!

But I had an epiphany this morning. The kind of epiphany that only comes from being a grown-up: If I were to stop exercising, I would only be hurting myself. Because if I'm going to be blue, I might as well look good while I do so.

Besides, a side goal of all this is to make TM regret that he ended things; looking good will only enhance that regret. This part of my epiphany is not very grown-up.

Perfect Timing

Remember when I said that I was going to start my very first emergency fund with my substantial tax refund? It seems it came at the perfect time. I just checked the status of my refund and it's being deposited into my account this Friday. I realized that I am financially free to move out of the apartment. I can cover moving costs, a security deposit, and first month's rent of any apartment situation that I figure out I can afford.

Can I tell you how wonderful this feeling is? This is the feeling of freedom. I had all these self-indulgent plans for part of that money: either a flat-screen TV, a solo vacation, or a spring shopping spree. But acquiring more stuff (read: shyte) would not make me feel as good as this does. As soon as TM and I figure out what to do with our apartment, I can move when I find another living situation. There will be no asking my parents for money they don't have, no using my credit cards, no feeling trapped until I "save enough." I won't even have to wait for the stimulus package money or until our security deposit comes back to us.

I know I am very lucky because I didn't really save this money, though my life decisions did create it (i.e., buying property and renting it out and returning to school). Whatever. It's my money and in this situation, money is freedom.

Knocking on Wood

I'm surprising myself these days...I'm actually functioning in the wake of this major break-up. Don't get me wrong, I cry everyday. Right now, it's at about three episodes a day. But I have not cried in public...by avoiding talking about it to people I don't trust. I am getting my work done, if a little distractedly. I did a major presentation today and I think it went pretty well. I've met with my stats partner, done readings for class, and shown up for work.

I must say, my cognitive therapy is really helping me deal with this. Whenever I get upset about what's been lost, I just remind myself that we broke up because we wanted different things. Of course, if he ends up engaged six months from now I'll lose my shyte! But for now, I'm going to believe that he thinks "I'm very excellent," but just doesn't want to commit. And everyone is right, I have been through too much not to be with someone who will trip over himself to propose.

Living with TM is pretty hard, mainly because it's not hard at all. Does that make sense? We get along so well, that it's hard to not engage with him on the same level I used to. I miss him so much and he's right there. These days, it's my skin that misses him the most...not sexually, though. I miss his kisses hello and goodbye, his coming up behind me while I'm cooking, our cuddling on the couch. Just his touch.

We are sleeping in separate rooms and we're going to talk about moving out this weekend. I thought I could handle living with him for the next 4 months, but I realized...mainly through my friend D kicking me in the ass with reminders of the last time...that it's not good for me to be in the same space. I was rationalizing my fear of making the break-up real by moving out by saying we were "stuck" with the lease.

So overall, I'm proud of myself. I'm a mess, but I'm functioning. Of course, I reserve the right to write another post filled with self-pity and loathing about the state of my loneliness.

The Last Sighting of a Single Jay-Z!

I've been so wrapped up in my personal drama that I didn't get a chance to tell you that I went to this concert Thursday night. I can't believe that Jay-Z got married the next day!

My mom took me because she loves MJB and had never seen her live. She wanted to attend the concert with someone who would enjoy it as much as she would and let her get her groove with abandon. We got great seats; we could see everything clear as day.

I saw Mary when I was in college...tuckergurl, do you remember this? She did a show with some one-hit wonder groups and Biggie Smalls. I remember a young and crazy Puff Daddy just ran back and forth behind Biggie wearing that bright yellow Versace shirt. Anyway, Mary was younger then and her voice wasn't as refined as it is now, but she tore it up Thursday night with the same intensity as she did more than 12 years ago.

I don't know Jay-Z's music as well as I know Mary's, but the practically sold out, predominately white audience sure did. There was a huge screen behind the stage that served as the "set" of the show, displaying the skyline of NYC, close-ups of the band and the performers, and other graphics. It was basically a giant music video for the live music going on. Sometimes the camera would turn on the audience and pan over them. These young, busty girls and wanna-be-down boys were rapping all the words to his songs, and not just the chorus, either! My mom was shocked at how many white people knew their music. I told her, "This is the definition of cross-over."

Regardless, we had a great time. Both Mary and Jay-Z's songs sounded better live than they do on CD...or MP3...and they had great stage presence. Jay-Z would get the entire arena...almost 20,000 seats!...to pump his diamond sign with their hands. Mary didn't even have to sing "I'm Going Down," the whole place belted out all the words. I must say, I joined in wholeheartedly.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted. It was great to release and let music take you over. That hasn't happened for a while and it felt damn good.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Died 40 Years Ago Today

I listened to a story on "All Things Considered" today that detailed the final days of his life. It made me very sad. How different this world is because of him. How different this world could have been had he lived.

This is an excerpt from his last speech, given the night before he died. You can't tell me he didn't know his time was coming to an end.

It Doesn't Look Good

The reasons why are way too complex to explain here...and I have a 20-minute presentation to research for...but I have a feeling that this summer is going to see a lot of changes. There are some battles you just can't win. That, or you just get too tired to keep trying.

In terms of my issues with Harvard, they haven't gone away, but I have discovered that speaking them out loud makes them easier to bear. I'm not hiding anymore that I'm not doing well. Funny enough, that is making me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on both fronts.

Did I ever mention...

...that I knit now? I took a class called "Knitting for Mindfulness" or something back in February and learned how to knit. I love it very much. I know how to do the knit and perl stitch, and how to follow a pattern, and how cast on and cast off, and how to do all sorts of funky cool stuff. Of course, I haven't done any of it yet, but I know how to do it.

Right now, I'm just perfecting the two stitches on the yarn the teacher gave us. I bought new yarn because I want to make a dog sweater for Ella, but I'm not breaking it out just yet. I need to find the right pattern.

Windfall!

I just finished my taxes and I must say...being a student while paying a mortgage is the best way to get a phat refund. I'm looking forward to my bank statement in a couple of weeks.

I am very fortunate that this year I don't have major bad debt hanging over my head. My credit cards are under control, my utility bills are paid, I'm not getting angry letters from the bank who owns my mortgage. So this year, I've decided that most of the refund is going to my first ever emergency fund. I've never had one...though I've tried...and I think having a nice chunk of change will help start my e-fund off right.

I've also decided that I'm using part of my refund for TM and I to have some fun...maybe an overnight trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere...or at least a nice dinner and a movie. We need to have more fun, that's for sure.

Wheuheu!

17
This is wonderfully morbid! But good information to have...we all know from horror movies that it's the kids that do the worst damage when everyone turns into zombies.

NY Theatre is SO Racist!

I can't believe this article. God forbid older white female theatregoers go to any play that doesn't affirm their status on the pedestal of American society! It seems that any play that does not cater to these women has no business being on Broadway. And apparently it would mean Armageddon if a play that had an all-black cast drew a racially diverse audience. How can theatre still be so culturally backwards...especially theatre in New York?! It's infuriating!

Quitter?

I'm thinking of leaving Harvard at the end of the academic year. I'm thinking Harvard just might be too hard.

I'm not talking about the work; I mean, the work is very difficult, but I don't mind that. But to do the work well, the rest of one's life gets so much harder. And since Harvard is not the goal for me, but simply part of the journey, I'm wondering if I just don't want to take another path.

All my relationships have suffered since I've been here: with TM, with friends, with family, with art. I'm going through feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that I just don't think are necessary at this point in my life. Of course one would think that if I am aware enough to say these things, then maybe I could just start to feel more confident, more self-assured.

Ah, there's the rub...the "Big H" that people use to refer to Harvard isn't just the reputation the name gives you in the real world. It's also the feeling that seeps in your soul while you're within its walls. The feeling that "they" have it all figured out, so if something is askew it has to be you. It's the way Harvard values precision, efficiency, and a certain type of critical thinking while simultaneously devaluing creativity, exploration, and questioning for its own sake.

It's very difficult to be both strong and vulnerable here. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I believe that is part of being human...or that it should be. I know that is when I'm at my best: when I'm confidently scared. These days, I'm nowhere near my best, even as I get "A"s on my papers.

I guess I won't really know what I'll do until it's time for registration for next fall. I'm going to visit friends in NYC for part of my Spring Break...that should definitely help.

I'll keep you posted.

'Nuff Said

Summer is crazy eloquent...no wonder she's in a Master's program in English! Just read this. She has it spot on. As a black woman in a doctorate program in education, where race is brought up as an intellectual exercise every day, I could speak to this for days. I just wish I could get up from under my feelings of inadequacy enough to figure who's pushing them down on me.

More "Good" News

A friend of mine...who's also my crush here at Harvard...just came to visit me while I'm working in the library with news that him and his really cool girlfriend just got engaged.

He's the third person in my cohort to get engaged this school year.

I'm happy for all of them...but I still want to cry.

Can You Figure This Out?

I got this interactive brain buster from planetdan. He's really funny and gets to travel a lot. Remind me to get his job when I'm finished with school.

Anywhoo, click here to play the game. The first page is all in Japanese, so make sure you open the link in a different window/page and read the directions for the game below. To start the game, click on the blue circle in the lower right hand corner.

The goal is to get everyone from one side of the river over to the other side. Click on any person to get him/her onto the boat or off the boat. Then click on red knob on either side to make the raft cross the river.

1. You can take no more than two people on the raft at one time.
2. The father isn't allowed to be left alone with any of his daughters without the mother present.
3. The mother isn't allowed to be left alone with any of her sons without the father present.
4. Prisoner can't be left alone with any member of the family. He can either be left by himself or with the cop.
5. Only the policeman and the parents can operate the boat.

If you get it, please let me know. If I ever figure it out, I will post the answer in the comments.

Have fun!

The Media are Idiots!

When you hear the STUPID questions asked by Tim Russert and Brian Williams that are so NOT about the issues, you actually feel sorry for Obama and Clinton.

The difference between Obama and Clinton is that Obama wants to laugh in the reporters' faces and Clinton takes the question seriously.

By the way, "rejecting" something means to dismiss it as inappropriate. "Denouncing" something means to reject it as wrong or evil. So denouncing is actually stronger than rejecting, dummy!

Ella's Funny

I woke Ella up from her nap...she's sleeping right beside me on the couch...to show her this and she didn't even flinch...she can't stand other dogs. What she did do is sit up, walk over my lap, and look behind the laptop screen. Confirming her suspicions that I was indeed messing with her, she walked back over my lap, laid back down, and is now asleep again.

God, I love this dog. Remind me to show you pictures of her with no hair.

I Bought a New Computer...

...for $94 dollars. Yup, you read correctly. I bought it on eBay to be exact. I was a bit nervous, but I booted up it up for the first time yesterday at the library and it works great!

Well...it's not really a new computer per se, it's more like a new operating system, but it has the same effect. Due to the lovely dual processor that lives inside my little laptop, I'm able to run a PC on my Mac. And it's the real deal. You choose Windows instead of Mac OSX when the computer starts up and it looks like a real PC, with the Start button in the corner and everything. I bought Windows XP 'cuz Vista still scares the crap out of me, and all seems to be well. It's so strange! After almost a year of being a Mac girl, it's weird to remember that all my applications won't spread themselves across my screen if I move the cursor to a corner. That closing a window actually shuts down the program. And I can confirm that Windows is not nearly as pretty as OSX (especially not Leopard)...no, it is not.

The good thing is, I'll be able to watch Netflix movies now, join the web cam feed of my favorite podcast, and...this is the best part...I'll be able to run the statistical software needed for my quantitative methods class! Wheuheu!

Happy Valentine's Day?

Luckily, TM and I are celebrating on Saturday because I have spent this holiday completing my Intermediate Statistics homework. I got home about 30 minutes ago...very romantic! This only leaves me a few minutes to celebrate my love for TM, my friends, and me. Happy Valentine's Day to all that I love.

"We've Earned This One"

The semester has begun...Harvard owns my ass once again. I'm starting this semester on much stronger footing than I did in the fall. I don't feel overwhelmed, I'm much better organized, and I see the forest for the trees a lot better.

Unfortunately, TM and I have a lot more work to do to rebuild what we have, but we're taking it one day at a time, and that's working well. We are enjoying each other very much and are communicating...maybe not as much as I would like, but I'm getting to say everything I need to.

Anyway, we're celebrating our second Valentine's Day this Saturday...the first time I've celebrated this holiday two years in a row!...and I've told him that we have fought for this holiday this year. We have earned our love celebration this time.

For My Moments of Doubt

1. He calls me when I'm 15 minutes late coming home just to make sure I'm all right.
2. He offers to do the dishes all the time because he knows I hate that chore.
3. He asks me about my day...every day.
4. He recommended that we go into couples counseling to help us communicate better.
5. He randomly sends me silly text messages for no reason whatsoever.
6. He helps me stick to my diet and exercise regimen without making me want to kill him.
   
7. He is starting to care about my dog.
8. He told his job he couldn't work on Valentine's Day.
9. He is braving my Harvard friends to come to a Superbowl party with me.
10. He makes up silly songs using my nickname as he walks through the house.
11. He celebrates every victory I have at Harvard, no matter how small.
12. He wanted me to come to his first recital, even when we weren't okay.
13. He and I share a cell phone plan.
14. He talks to me about his struggles with his friends and family.
15. He tells me so.
    

Doubting L. Britt

I am going through some shyte regarding my relationship with TM. I've been going through it for a while, but have been too ashamed to post about it. Surprisingly enough, The Rover's post about Maxine and Snapple gave me the courage. I know that I need to get the words out of my head, otherwise they fester.

I'm not sure whether TM still loves me. What's worse, I don't know if my doubt comes from him or from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take on a man's dysfunction. Honestly, I am in the middle of my own stuff right now...I'm starting therapy again...so I can't trust my own perceptions of things. A couple of weeks ago, I forced our relationship to the precipice and I thought we stopped ourselves from crashing on the rocks. But I feel it's been shaky ever since. There are times when we are simply cordial, other times when we are affectionate. But here's where the doubt comes in: what seems "cordial" while I'm on school break could just be "busy with work" once school starts again. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me...although I can't remember us saying that much anyway. Our love manifests itself in action way more than words. Can you see how I'm confused?

For me, the worst and scariest part is that I don't feel completely comfortable talking to him about it. That's the part I miss most of all. TM and I have established we process discord very differently, and my need to "talk it out" ends up overwhelming him. So I've been trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut. Now I feel like my tongue is bleeding for biting it for so long and I'm turning into a nag for "wanting to talk" so much. But again, because I don't have much patience, I can't tell if TM is just being insensitive to my needs...or avoiding The Talk...or if I'm expecting too much too soon.

Of course the answer is "talk to him." But the last time we talked I told him what I needed...namely, him initiating conversation more...and nothing has changed. So I'm wondering if my internal clock is off, if he didn't understand what I said, or if he just doesn't care anymore. It could honestly be any of those options. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know the one: the girl that has to constantly process things. The girl who can't just be.

I had to post this because I could feel myself closing off from the outside world. I could hear myself lying about my emotional state to friends and family. I did that once before...and it ended up isolating me from the help I needed. It's not a good sign.

What's Up with the Young Actors Dying?

I find it strange that I only found out that Brad Renfro died almost a exact week before Heath Ledger did after I heard about Heath.

That's all.

What the...?!?!?!

So I just heard about this new movie that actually premiered at Sundance last year and garnered an award for the lead actress, Jess Weixler. I don't know if I should be offended by this movie that tries to modernize an archaic, cowardly idea or be glad that someone is shedding light on this unspoken fear. Perhaps I would feel better if the film was made by a woman, and not the guy who starred in The Wedding Banquet. I must say, the website for the film is pissing me off: "Enter at Your Own Risk." That's some bullsh*t if you ask me. But then I did some more web surfing and found the poster you see here, which is a totally different marketing spin than the website.

I don't know what to think. I doubt this movie will make it to Boston, but if someone in NYC or LA sees it, please let me know what you think. Shucks, tell me what you think anyway!

This Made the Football Game Worth It

The fact that this commercial was posted back in September proves that I have not watched TV in a while.

This commercial just makes me laugh, even if it's for McEvil.

A New Perspective

It is amazing...absolutely amazing. I just passed in my last final of my first semester. I am officially done with first semester. I'm not done with work, mind you, but all my professors have all they need to give me a grade for my first semester. I already know that I got an "A-" in the hardest class I took this semester, so that's a good start.

When I slid my final under the professor's door, I instantly felt good. Instantly! Like a drug kicked in or something. I am now going to write a press release and do some research on experimental studies on high school kids, but I don't mind at all. My first semester is done.

Like the Blog, Not the Blogger

So there's this blog I read on the regular. I read it because it has a very specific purpose and I have learned a lot...when I was contesting something very intimidating, I used the blog to help me compose the letter. At the same time, I was often so envious of how together the blogger seemed with regard to this specific aspect of his/her life. But there is something going on with this blogger, he/she is getting mean and not nice to read. And through one recent post I realized, this blogger's life has a lot to be desired. Though he/she may have one aspect of his/her life under control, some other, very important aspects are a hot mess!

I know this is a bit of schadenfreude, but I feel better knowing this blogger is not perfect in all things. I also hope this blogger finds some solace and peace in his/her soul, because he/she is not a nice blogger right now. Maybe the blogger should take a break.

P.S. I'm not naming the blog because that would be unnecessarily mean. I doubt this blogger reads my blog, so chances are it's not you.

I'm Not Alright

Has this ever happened to you?

Something somewhat upsetting happens to you...nothing major...but upsetting nonetheless. You don't feel it right away. So you tell everyone around you that you are fine...you even believe it yourself.

But then something else happens...something not at all upsetting, but related...and you realize that you are indeed quite upset.

The worst part is that you realize that you've been living in denial in order to not be upset...and that you can't stay that way. Even if you have to make hard decisions.

That's what happened to me this morning.

What's Wrong with Me?

I really want to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. I can't explain why. The way Ariel's tail is attached to the back of her costume looks ridiculous, but I still want to see the show. I think I dig how multiculti (to use a term from tuckergurl) it is.

Harvard is turning my brain to mush.

TV

I watched the re-premieres of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" last night. I was impressed with how funny they both were on their own, but I got the sense that they were exhausted...and exhausting their material. Jon Stewart was straight-up pissed at everybody. His rant at first sounded like he was attacking the writers for quibbling over downloads from iTunes, equating watching TV on an iPod like getting a sample of cheese. But then he was on the attack toward the networks. He's just pissed; apparently Comedy Central tried to work out a side deal for his and Colbert's show, but the Guild said no. For some reason, I believe that Colbert will last longer than Stewart...maybe because half his show will be spent with the audience giving him a standing ovation.

I do have to say that I really miss Stewart's and Colbert's commentary on this election season. As exciting as this race is, it's not nearly as funny.

With that said, I am SO excited for the New Hampshire primary results tonight. TM and I are going to make popcorn and watch the votes roll in. So exciting!

P.S. Is anyone going to watch the Golden Globes press conference Sunday night? I mean, seriously...a press conference!?! The fact that NBC wouldn't release the broadcast rights so the event could go on without a TV show is bull-headed and pouty. Bad form. So now everyone suffers.

A press conference is the same thing as looking up the winners the next day on the website; it just takes longer. Ah well, I need to study for my stats final anyway. I really want this strike to affect the Oscars. People will stop being so damn stubborn once the Oscars are threatened.

Obama Wins Iowa!

This makes me happy! Did you notice that he is channeling the intonation of Martin Luther King, Jr. during his speech last night? Listen to the way he says, "They said..." and "America." TM and I noticed it instantly. I was aware of the emotional reaction I had when he did it. Luckily, I like what he's saying.

I'm reading an old Time magazine article about Obama and they quote him as asking for "a party that doesn't just focus on how to win but why we should." He is such a wordsmith! Which is so refreshing after eight years of listening to a guy who sounds like a complete idiot. I dig it.

Happy Birthday, TM!

Babe,

I love you so much and I am so glad that I've been able to celebrate two birthdays with you. Here's hoping we celebrate many more together.

-Baby Cakes

Happy New Year, Y'all!

I have been allergic to my computer for the past couple of weeks. The idea of using my laptop for anything, even checking email, has created a strange reaction. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I used my laptop every single day of last semester.

What that means is that even when I had plenty of opportunities to post while spending Christmas at The Ranch, I didn't want to. So to sum up, it was a great time. TM's family actually got me presents...which I didn't expect...and I didn't have to work as hard with the cows. It was very cool to see all the calves I worked with over the summer all grown up and almost as big as their mothers. I was able to meet the last of TM's family and got to know other family members better. Lots of great food was consumed.

One funny story: it's cold there. Very cold. Negative temperatures were often reported. We would wake up and it would be 15 degrees below or 22 degrees below. I went running one morning and frost formed on my eyelashes. I had to keep wiping my eyes in order to open and close them.

So, it's a New Year. As you may know, I try to avoid resolutions and instead work under a yearly theme...like this one and this one. This time I do have specific goals I want to accomplish, but I still need a theme. So this year, my theme is to Not Get Complacent. This year is going to be rough, and it would be easy for me to blame Harvard for not doing anything else but going to classes and writing papers. But I do want to keep doing things: like exercising, like moving forward on non-course requirements of my degree, like keeping my weight down.

So my theme will be my personal kick-in-the-pants so that I keep my head out of my ass. Wish me luck!

Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.

My New Favorite Place

I discovered it this morning. It's so wonderful and made just for me. I feel the most comfortable, the safest, the most loved when I'm there.

It's lying in bed, grudgingly waking up, intertwined with TM on one side of me and Ella curled up (and taking up too much room) on the other side.

That is by far the best place for me to be.

I Don't Get Videos

I'm up early this Friday. I don't have classes today, but I'm not upset. I'm just glad that I can enjoy this Friday off and not rush off to a group meeting or site visit or something.

So I'm watching videos. Things I haven't seen in a very long time. And I realize that I don't get them. How does a woman stop Freddy Rodriguez from killing himself by dancing in the Santana video? And how did she get a waitress job where she can take over the restaurant with her sexy dancing? All that hair flying around the food must be a health hazard.

And there's this video with the girl who plays Vanessa on "Gossip Girl" where I'm supposed to believe that even though she has the alcohol problem and is sitting in the passenger seat, the driver gets killed in an accident. I don't buy it. But I do think she looks better with straight hair...she has curly hair in the show...to make her more ethnic, I think.

And there was no way I was going to watch a video hoochie be all lovey-dovey to Sean Kingston, even if he's talking about how rough his life is. He's not attractive and not talented.

And is it just me, but does Natasha Bettingfield looks like she's 37? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she looks bad. I'm saying she looks too old to be referencing high school feelings in her songs. And she's definitely too old to have Sean Kingston featured in her multi-culti video.

In other news, my good friend, Angela came to visit me last weekend. We had a mellow weekend, but I really enjoyed seeing her face. I missed her so much! I wish I would have scheduled in more time with just her and I, but I'll visit NYC in January. P.S. If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, don't. It sucked.

In other other news, my semester is over in less than two weeks! Well, it's not over because I have finals due at the end of January...but I don't have anymore classes in about a week and a half. I know I sound all dramatic, but I really can't believe I finished and that I accomplished all that I did. I now know what a standard deviation is and how to get it. I know a basic overview of the history of urban education and how its history shapes its function today. I know that US colleges have a 50% graduation rate and that rate is continuing to decrease. I know how to write a reference list in APA format. None of these things I knew just four months ago. Crazy!

You should do that sometime...pick a time in the recent past and come up with all the stuff that you know now that you absolutely didn't know then. If you've got nothing...go start learning!

I Know People

TM always makes fun of me because every time we see a movie, I always recognize the actors or the director. Often I have a personal connection...albeit a weak one...with someone I see on screen...like one of the law students in "Michael Clayton" who I went to college with. When that happens, TM asks me, "When are we having dinner with Spielberg?"

This time, however, I have a very close connection to this filmmaker. Her name is Angela Tucker and she is fabulicious! Check out her very cool short film...visit it early and often!

A Pretty Big Loophole

Harvard has a lot of trust in its students...

So I just got this email saying that, while in pursuit of my doctorate, I could get my Master's in a comparable program. I'm SO doing that, by the way. Two degrees for the price of one.

Alas, there's the rub. The doctorate program I'm in is fully funded for the first three years, which are the most expensive because those are the ones in which you take classes. For the rest of your program you just pay fees for the health insurance and the right to be called a student. Not only do I not have to drop a dime to take classes...all the books for the course are on reserve, so technically I wouldn't have to pay for books. Though that would be silly. Anywhoo...but I'm getting a housing stipend that covers my half of the rent for the academic year. The Master's program is the opposite of fully funded. Lots of people are taking out lots of loans this year.

So it seems to me that it's in one's best interest to apply to the doctorate program, even if all you want is a Master's. Sure, it's a lot more work and your chances of acceptance is a lot slimmer, but it might be worth it to get a free Master's.

I probably shouldn't say this too loudly, huh?

All The Posts I Would Have Written...

So I've actually wanted to post in the past weeks several times. Alas, I still don't feel like I can spare the time. I'm getting better though.

Anyway, here are the abstracts to the posts I would have written.

I Thought We Lived in a Good Neighborhood. TM and I were so excited to be able to give out candy this year after years of living in apartment buildings in NYC, where you don't ever buzz someone in that you don't know. Our neighborhood is filled with houses that are filled with kids. We went to Costco and got a big bag of candy and 100 Blow-Pops...just in case we ran out. Apparently, we live on a crappy street because only one group of kids came by all night! And of those five kids, only two of them were in a costume. TM gave them each a huge handful of candy and I've been bringing the rest to school. So sad...

Happy Anniversary? TM and I celebrated our first anniversary the beginning of October. It isn't technically a year since we became boyfriend/girlfriend (that's in December), but it's been a year since we've basically been together...he didn't date anyone else once we had our first date and I went on one lame ass date before I realized that I was comparing the dude to TM. It was a great anniversary: dinner in the North End, gelato in a cute dessert shop. The rest of the month did not go so well. We had a very hard month discussing our "next step." It was really difficult, where a lot was revealed and a lot of tears were shed. Ultimately, it was one of the best things that has happened to us. We are closer and know so much more about each other than we did...even after a year. Now we're having a blast!

Duh! I want to be engaged. TM knows this and we are "in talks"...I don't think anyone is going on strike or anything. It's just funny because as soon as I said it out loud to TM, it felt like this huge revelation and the most obvious thing to me simultaneously. I think being married to TM would be the coolest thing ever.

Movies I've Seen. So part of my adjustment period at Harvard is trying to find balance between getting my work done and taking care of my family and me. It's still a struggle, but I'm getting better. So good, in fact that for three weekends in a row, I've seen a movie in the movie theatre! Can I say again how much I love having a $7 movie theatre walking distance from my house? So I've seen Eastern Promises, American Gangster, and Lars and the Real Girl.

I officially don't get David Cronenberg films. I mean I don't get what the hubbub is about. This movie is well-scripted and directed in a pretty straight-forward way. There is one pretty amazing scene in the film that I have never seen before...I imagine that must have taken some skill to execute. Besides that, it was pretty good, but not great.

American Gangster, on the other hand, was so kick-ass! Denzel was better than he was in Training Day. In Training Day, I could feel him actively trying to get the audience to forget his usual acting type. Like he was screaming: "I'm not always a nice guy, you know!" Granted, he was screaming in an excellent voice. With this film, he wore his character like a perfectly tailored suit. You didn't see the work behind the character...he just was. And Russel Crowe's character was made for him: earthy and awkward and sexy and tough. He was a meaty actor in a meaty role. It was a fascinating story as well, all the more interesting because it's true.

I loved Lars and the Real Girl so much. I understood that character so much. I don't know if it's due to the writing or due to my own mental health struggles, but I totally got why Lars did everything he did and it all made complete sense to me. There were several moments where I was laughing and sad crying at the exact same time. Anyone who has dealt with loss, with loneliness, with family issues should see this film. I'm not saying you'll relate to it the way I did, but you'll definitely recognize something in the film. So Good!

It's Coming Together. The cool thing that happens in a strong academic setting is happening for me right about now. I'm making brand new connections in my brain. What I'm learning about in my Econ class is tying into my core doctoral seminar about the role of education in perpetuating or dismantling class. When I learn about adult development, I can apply to how workers in an organization deal with change. I'm going to use the skills I developed in my qualitative interviewing class on a class project in another one. I love that feeling of connecting.

They Are Dropping Like Flies. Perhaps I had Harvard on too high a pedestal, but I thought that the Admissions Committee did all the weeding out before we got here. I know I was struggling with feeling stupid, but it didn't seriously occur to me that I would quit the program. I thought I might fail out, but I'm not worried about that anymore. However, there is serious self-doubt creeping into the ranks...people who I thought had this whole grad school thing down are catching the "I wanna quit" cold. It's kinda scary. No one beside the woman I spoke about before has actually done it, but there is more talk than makes me comfortable. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize: Dr. L. Britt!

Shout-out. A friend of mine...who hasn't posted on her blog in quite a while :)...is making a huge life change soon. It's something that she's wanted to do for a long time and now she's making it happen. I just want to say that I'm very proud of her and happy for her. Yeah!

Scared to Hope. So I just saw the latest "Grey's Anatomy" episode online. That one was good! It was really good. It wasn't precocious and annoying they way it's been all season. It was simple and well-written and it let the good actors be good actors. It was interesting to see Christina not be top dawg. It was comforting to have Bailey back in charge. And I'm SO happy they are sabotaging the whole George/Izzie thing, because that relationship reeked of a Sweeps Week ploy. It was like the writers tried to have a one-night stand with a lame plot choice and the choice ended up pregnant, so they were stuck with it. So now I'm happy with the show, but I still have to take it one episode at a time, because who knows if it will get annoying again.

This Video Makes Me Happy

Mary J. Blige's new album drops next month and I think a good dose of Mary is exactly what I need as mid-terms kick in. This is the video of her first single, "Just Fine." It's her usual, believe-in-yourself, my-life-is-great message, but the song is really fun to listen to. Also, you can tell she's been working out and LOVES her new body. Check it out! 10 points if you spot the ode to Michael Jackson.

Addendum: Sorry to those who clicked on the video and got some other random band after MTV said the video was only available on their website. They are acting like I stole the video when I got the embed code from their site!!! Don't freakin' bait-and-switch me! Anywhoo, this link should bring you directly to the well-dressed, fabulous-wig-wearing Mary herself.

Minor Earthquake

I'm in the library right now working on my first "real" paper of the semester. Not my first paper of the semester, mind you...more like my tenth...but the first one that is actually inducing anxiety in my classmates and me.

Anyway, I just heard word that the first of the first year doctoral students (or D1s) has withdrawn from the program. I say "first" because I'm trying to keep it real...there will probably be more. One of them might be me, for all I know. This program is officially no joke. If you are not disciplined, you will not make it. There is just too much to do. And in order to maintain a semblance of a life, you must be diligent and super efficient.

Still, with all of that said, the fact that one of us is no longer going to be in our core class tomorrow is creating a sort of...effect. People don't not go to class, so when someone isn't there, you feel it. Apparently, she left because of personal reasons, but still...there is a hush every time someone speaks to it. Ultimately, I know she will be fine. The majority of the world don't get a degree from Harvard and live to tell the tale, but you wouldn't know from the reaction of my classmates today. It's as if she died. Me, I'm more worried about the underlying reasons for her decision and if they were worth it, but I guess I'll never know.

Unfortunately, I can't think about it too much right now...gotta get back to my Econ paper.

Yeah!

This makes me happy!

I'm so excited about this!

Next Friday, Dr. Drew Faust will be inaugurated as Harvard's first female president. This school has been around for 300 years and I happen to be here when it's getting its first female leader. I can't explain it, but I am SO excited about this.

Listen to this fact:

"Drew Faust is only Harvard’s 28th president since its founding. The United States, which is considerably younger than the university, has had 43 presidents."

- Harvard University Office of the President website

It's going to be a two-day event, with readings, a symposium, musical events. There is this website all about the ceremony and all the Harvard artifacts that are coming out of the archives for this grand event. Toni Morrison, one of America's best writers ever, is going to do a reading before the ceremony!

I'm excited like I'm going to have lunch with Barack or something! I can't wait!

Milestone

Today, I completed my third week of classes. It feels like I've been through an entire semester!

In other milestone news, TM and I are going to celebrate our one-year anniversary next weekend. Crazy! We are at a pivotal juncture in our relationship, but we're there together. My insecure, crazy ass just needs reminding of that fact sometimes.

Okay, back to work!

Is it just me...

...or was the season premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" last night highly disappointing? I felt like it wasn't the up to the caliber of previous season premieres and it certainly didn't do justice to the way the show ended last spring.

Izzie's story line and the dialogue she had to say was atrocious. Her lines reminded me of Meredith's "Choose me. Pick me. Love me." of the first season. My friend who watched it with me said, "There's nothing worse than an fake deer." I added, "Coupled with a crappy child actor!"

And what was that random rant she spit out at George in the stairway? Izzie was like a high school student in a Shakespearean play...she knew where to put the emphasis to make it sound smooth, but she didn't have a clue what she was saying.

I'm going to stick around and see if the writers dig themselves out of this hole. I'm worried that Shonda Rhimes might go the way of "The Boondocks" creator...get so many things cooking that none of them end up tasting good.

Elitist Private Joke

So, I am really pissed off right now and I can't say it anywhere but here.

I'm sitting in my core lecture required of all first year doctoral students. Everyone at Harvard have bent over backwards to console me about my lack of research experience. "Don't worry about it!" they say. "The courses you will take later in the semester will explain it all." However, the professor just threw up all these quantitative symbols and made all these witty jokes. I had NO idea what the hell was so funny.

I finally called him out saying, "So right now, you're just dropping a bunch of inside jokes for stats people."

Ughhhh!

Twenty-First Century Civil Rights March

I just read this article on the New York Times website. It's about the Jena Six: six black teenagers arrested last year on attempted murder charges after they beat a fellow white classmate unconscious. The fight was precipitated by someone hanging nooses from a tree known for being a hangout for white students. Jena, Louisiana is a town of about 3,000 residents and is 85% white. I have no opinion on whether or not the charges were justified; I need to learn more about the case.

However, in the article, many quotes stood out. One of them was President Bush's. His quote slowed the whole flow of the article down. His syntax and inability to form coherent sentences just sounded like he was...an idiot. God, I can't wait till he's gone.

Another quote that stood out was one by Eric Depradine.

“This is the first time something like this has happened for our generation,” said Eric Depradine, 24, a senior at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. “You always heard about it from history books and relatives. This is a chance to experience it for ourselves.”

The thing is...it isn't the first thing like this that has happened in our generation. From being good friends with tuckergurl, I know that civil rights are being violated down racial lines every day in our criminal justice system, our prisons, and in death penalty policies. The re-segregation of our public schools and the disenfranchisement of blacks through redistricting have all happened in Depradine's generation. I guess for Depradine, it's in this case that he feels he can make a difference.

The best quote of the article, however, was by Latese Brown:

“If you can figure out how to make a school yard fight into an attempted murder charge, I’m sure you can figure out how to make stringing nooses into a hate crime.”

That's funny because it's true.

I've Been Hit With The H-Bomb

When I got accepted into Harvard, I had a hard time telling people. In casual conversation, I would say, "I'm going to grad school in Boston." Then I would say, "Actually, I'm getting my doctorate in Cambridge." By that time, I sounded like a real douche bag. Ironically, I avoided mentioning Harvard in order to not sound like a douche bag.

Well, now I am not ashamed to say that I go to Harvard, because I feel like I am here by the skin of my teeth. I just finished my first week of classes...I'm already behind in the reading. I have a paper, an assignment and a class presentation due in the next week and a half. One of my classes made me cry...not in the class...because I felt dumb and alone. I don't mind feeling dumb, but I truly felt like I was the only one who didn't know what the hell was going on. Well, maybe I mind feeling dumb a little bit. My ass is being kicked!

The good thing is that my classmates are really supportive, honest and non-competitive. So I'm getting lots of support.

This weekend, I am going to revamp my entire approach to the hundreds of pages of reading that are due every week. I'm actually excited about my new approach to homework. So hopefully, Harvard will have to find another way to beat me to a pulp.

My Indictment of Hollywood's Portrayal of "Good" Fathers

I will begin this by stating that this indictment is not based on solid or thorough research. It is based on only two movies that TM and I recently saw via Netflix. These movies have nothing else in common except for the fact that the fathers are dark-skinned and do some stupid shyt in the name of protecting their family.

The first movie is The Pursuit of Happyness. As we put the DVD in, Summer's words about this movie were forefront in my mind. I shared them with TM and by the end of the film, we were both furious and think Summer is a genius. How dare Chris Gardner?!?!?! How dare he call his wife "weak" because she wants to leave when she was working double shifts for months? How dare he demand that his son stay with him when his wife had family and a job lined up in New York? How dare he have money in the bank for the IRS to levy and didn't use it to pay his rent? How dare he become inspired to be a stockbroker by seeing a Ferrari and justify the decision by saying it's for his family? How dare he not get a part-time job while he was selling those bone-density machines? The movie tried really hard to make Will Smith's character sympathetic and make everyone else the bad guy/girl, but it didn't work. Like Summer, I thought it was a very well-acted film, but ultimately I wasn't buying what it was trying to sell. And I am dying to know what the relationship is between the real Chris Gardner and his son.

The second movie we've seen recently is Blood Diamond. This movie was good, but I was always afraid that the filmmakers were enjoying portraying the horrors Africans were inflicting on each other a little too much. I totally dug how unapologetically Leo took on the language; it was fun watching him speak the patois. However...poor Djimon Hounson. Per usual, he played the honorable black person used to teach the lost white soul the path to redemption. He also played the fool! In his path to find his son, his character puts him and Leo's character in danger again and again. All in the name of his family, he makes one mistake after another. He actually started to piss me off.

My conclusion based solely on these films is that Hollywood thinks it's all right for a father to put his family in more peril if he says it's for their betterment. And it's more understandable if you are a black father. I know I am oversimplifying these films, but it's where my head is at the moment.

Ella is City Dog...Straight Up

Yet another reason I love my neighborhood is that there is a run/bike/dog walk path one block from my house. If I so chose, I could use it to get to Concord, MA...which is not close by. Right now, I only use it to get to Medford for my run and to get Ella to meet other dogs.

However, Ella doesn't like it at all. As we approach it, she will actively try to walk in the opposite direction. Since she doesn't ever lead the walk, she always relents. But she only feels comfortable when there are lots of people walking on the path. When we're alone with the trees and the squirrels and the birds, Ella is quite nervous. However, on the way back home, when we walk on the major street with the delis...this area doesn't have bodegas, only delis...and the restaurants and realty offices, she's happy as a clam.

What kind of dog prefers concrete and glass over trees and grass? Mine, apparently.

How I Know I'm Old

I'm addicted to "The Hills." I know it's edited to make Lauren look like "the responsible one," but I really respect her staying sane in the crazy-ass LA that MTV created. I'm completely invested in the outcome of the whole Heidi-Lauren feud.

These facts don't prove I'm old, however. What does is how incredibly transparent Justin/Bobby is. He is the on-again/off-again boyfriend of Adriana. He's hot, I will give him that...though he needs a haircut in the worst way. But I've met and/or dated that guy. He's the guy that says he doesn't believe in labels, which means he doesn't want to commit but still wants to sleep with you. He says he doesn't listen to other people because he doesn't want you to listen to your friends tell you he's a loser. He says he just listens to his heart when he really just listens to his penis.

He's so transparently a jerkoff. It's obvious to anyone who has lived through their late teens/early 20s. He's so predictable, I wonder why MTV decided to let him on the show.

Also, what's up with the long awkward pauses at the end of each scene? I know that the editors chop the conversations up like stir fry vegetables, but what's up with that? Do the producers tell the "reality stars" to just sit and look at each other awkwardly?

What I've Been Thinking About

As you may well imagine, my head has been swarming with stuff. Instead of boring you in my quest to get into classes and figuring out which ones fit my research needs best...which is what I'm in the middle of now...I thought I would share other random thoughts.

• When someone stops caring about their blog, I wonder what's worse: not posting for a long time or continuing to post regularly, just in a half-assed way?

• There is this one blog that I used to love and now just enjoy...I think that's because the blogger is getting a little too big for his/her britches. He/she is sometimes a little annoying.

• So I listen to this great podcast: Keith and the Girl. It very raunchy, but it reminds me of Howard Stern when he wasn't interviewing strippers and getting B-list actresses to show him their tits. They talk about their lives, their relationship (they've been together for five years), their friends, their struggles to "make it." They are really funny and have some hilarious friends...Patrice is my favorite. Anywhoo, sometimes they will read stuff from the news wire and discuss it. I also listen to the podcast edition of Wait,Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR news quiz show. I do this because it's really funny. What I have often found is that both of these shows reference the same content. It's weird to hear Keith and Chemda's take on the goat sacrifice in the Nepalese airport, and then hear Peter Sagal read a question about it...it's the difference between the Post and the Times.

• I bought an iPhone yesterday. I'm not thrilled about it like I thought I would be. Partly that's because it was a lot of money...though now it's about the cost of any other high-end smartphone. I got the phone not because of any of its cool features, but because Apple is one smart-ass company. If you buy a Mac...which I did...and use iCal...which I do...and want/need to bring your calendar with you to use and edit...which I do...and don't want to spend hours doing computer geek research on how to get another smartphone to read the software...which I don't...then you get an iPhone. I have now become part of the Apple mob. Yup, they own my ass. At least I'm trapped with a damn cool phone and computer and I didn't use a credit card to pay for it! I don't know if you knew this, but not only did they slash the price from $600 to $400, but they have a $300 one as well.

• So here's the thing...I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this blog up. Sitting here this morning and writing this entry has felt really nice. It's feels good to blog. But I don't think I am going to have the time. I feel like it's been weeks since I've written because so much is happening right now, but I don't have time to document it. It frustrates me...and the less stressful emotions I have right now, the better. I don't think I'm finished with this blog like I was with my last one, but maybe it will go on hiatus or something. I'll give you notice when I take my leave...I make it sound like I have a huge readership or something. That's funny.

• I need a job...very soon.

• I think it's hilarious that I've come to Cambridge and become such a bike girl. I swear to you, biking is the fastest way to get from home to school. Faster than the T even. I'm looking at all my nice shoes and fashion boots thinking about how little wear they are going to get. They were New York shoes.
  

There's so much more I'm thinking about...but I got to get ready for school.

I'm Getting Vanity Fair This Month

I stopped subscribing to that magazine a LONG time ago, but every once in a while, it draws me back. It happened with the Africa issue...though ultimately I thought it highly problematic.

And they are doing it again. Apparently, Stephen Colbert is getting an in-depth article written about him in October's issue. I'm very intrigued, namely because this photo makes him strangely sexy to me.

The Sexism of ABC

After three days of very intense orientation, I decided to veg out with some TV. I flipped the channels and found a "Grey's Anatomy" repeat, which reminded me that its season premiere must be coming up. So I went to ABC's website and got distracted by its list of new fall shows.

I was appalled! There are a couple of female ensemble shows and a couple of male ensemble shows. All of them have at least one "star." Yet, the amount of hoopla that the male-dominated shows get totally dwarf the press for the female shows. "Big Shots" has nine commercials and a bunch more interviews and videos; "Carpoolers" has seven. "Women's Murder Club," starring Angie Harmon no less, got one 15-second spot. And "Cashmere Mafia" with Lucy Liu, got no commercials, just some interviews on the red carpet with a body-less interviewer asking some stupid questions.

I can't believe how blatant this unbalance is. Don't tell me that women don't watch TV or don't pay attention to new shows because that is straight up bull doody. Is there another, more logical explanation?

Yo! Raccoons are BIG! Oh, and school has begun.

Last night we had to put the trash out and there were two very large raccoons rummaging through it. They were bold! The trash was out on the curb, right underneath a streetlamp. When a person walked passed, one of them stood up on its hind legs. It was tall...like as tall as Ella on her hind legs! And Ella can reach the kitchen counter when she does that. I'm telling you, my exposure to nature in Somerville is constantly amazing.

So yesterday was my first day of pre-orientation. I'm a bit worried. I came home exhausted...and it's only the pre-orientation. I have to say that my fellow doctoral students are an impressive lot. People who have traveled all over the world, people who have done amazing things. Funny enough, I am the only person in my concentration who actually has professional experience in my concentration. Everyone else has extensive experience, but not in the field they are entering into. I figured everyone would have been Directors of this and that.

It was a good day overall, though the getting-to-know-you games were cheesy. The journey I'm about to partake became real for me and all the advanced doctoral students with whom I spoke made it clear that this totally doable. I realized this morning I was expecting a "Paper Chase"-like introduction to life at Harvard: intense and intimidating. Instead, there was an emphasis on how down to earth everything and everyone is. Perhaps Harvard is suffering from "thou does protest too much," but I'm buying it. I'm sure the faculty will be a lot more hardcore.

I've picked out the courses I want to take and have a meeting scheduled with my advisor. Now I've got to get ready for another day of learning "fun facts" about my colleagues.

And Now It's Moving Day

Boy oh boy! If I wasn't happy about the fact that we moved here so many weeks earlier before...I am now. The streets are clogged with moving vans...both yesterday and today. It's so strange. I'm sure that NYC is going through the same thing, but there are so many more people there, I never noticed. Besides, though I lived near a college, it was a commuter one, so there were a lot less students moving in.

Of course, I could be more acutely aware of this because I am a student myself. It's like that phenomenon when you get a new car, you start seeing your model of car everywhere.

In other news, I haven't seen that woodchuck/groundhog in days. Don't worry, I've been looking! I wonder if it's moved on. Perhaps it's got several bachelor pads. I'll keep you posted. Hmmm...now that I haven't seen it, I miss it.