For My Moments of Doubt

1. He calls me when I'm 15 minutes late coming home just to make sure I'm all right.
2. He offers to do the dishes all the time because he knows I hate that chore.
3. He asks me about my day...every day.
4. He recommended that we go into couples counseling to help us communicate better.
5. He randomly sends me silly text messages for no reason whatsoever.
6. He helps me stick to my diet and exercise regimen without making me want to kill him.
   
7. He is starting to care about my dog.
8. He told his job he couldn't work on Valentine's Day.
9. He is braving my Harvard friends to come to a Superbowl party with me.
10. He makes up silly songs using my nickname as he walks through the house.
11. He celebrates every victory I have at Harvard, no matter how small.
12. He wanted me to come to his first recital, even when we weren't okay.
13. He and I share a cell phone plan.
14. He talks to me about his struggles with his friends and family.
15. He tells me so.
    

Doubting L. Britt

I am going through some shyte regarding my relationship with TM. I've been going through it for a while, but have been too ashamed to post about it. Surprisingly enough, The Rover's post about Maxine and Snapple gave me the courage. I know that I need to get the words out of my head, otherwise they fester.

I'm not sure whether TM still loves me. What's worse, I don't know if my doubt comes from him or from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take on a man's dysfunction. Honestly, I am in the middle of my own stuff right now...I'm starting therapy again...so I can't trust my own perceptions of things. A couple of weeks ago, I forced our relationship to the precipice and I thought we stopped ourselves from crashing on the rocks. But I feel it's been shaky ever since. There are times when we are simply cordial, other times when we are affectionate. But here's where the doubt comes in: what seems "cordial" while I'm on school break could just be "busy with work" once school starts again. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me...although I can't remember us saying that much anyway. Our love manifests itself in action way more than words. Can you see how I'm confused?

For me, the worst and scariest part is that I don't feel completely comfortable talking to him about it. That's the part I miss most of all. TM and I have established we process discord very differently, and my need to "talk it out" ends up overwhelming him. So I've been trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut. Now I feel like my tongue is bleeding for biting it for so long and I'm turning into a nag for "wanting to talk" so much. But again, because I don't have much patience, I can't tell if TM is just being insensitive to my needs...or avoiding The Talk...or if I'm expecting too much too soon.

Of course the answer is "talk to him." But the last time we talked I told him what I needed...namely, him initiating conversation more...and nothing has changed. So I'm wondering if my internal clock is off, if he didn't understand what I said, or if he just doesn't care anymore. It could honestly be any of those options. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know the one: the girl that has to constantly process things. The girl who can't just be.

I had to post this because I could feel myself closing off from the outside world. I could hear myself lying about my emotional state to friends and family. I did that once before...and it ended up isolating me from the help I needed. It's not a good sign.

What's Up with the Young Actors Dying?

I find it strange that I only found out that Brad Renfro died almost a exact week before Heath Ledger did after I heard about Heath.

That's all.

What the...?!?!?!

So I just heard about this new movie that actually premiered at Sundance last year and garnered an award for the lead actress, Jess Weixler. I don't know if I should be offended by this movie that tries to modernize an archaic, cowardly idea or be glad that someone is shedding light on this unspoken fear. Perhaps I would feel better if the film was made by a woman, and not the guy who starred in The Wedding Banquet. I must say, the website for the film is pissing me off: "Enter at Your Own Risk." That's some bullsh*t if you ask me. But then I did some more web surfing and found the poster you see here, which is a totally different marketing spin than the website.

I don't know what to think. I doubt this movie will make it to Boston, but if someone in NYC or LA sees it, please let me know what you think. Shucks, tell me what you think anyway!

This Made the Football Game Worth It

The fact that this commercial was posted back in September proves that I have not watched TV in a while.

This commercial just makes me laugh, even if it's for McEvil.

A New Perspective

It is amazing...absolutely amazing. I just passed in my last final of my first semester. I am officially done with first semester. I'm not done with work, mind you, but all my professors have all they need to give me a grade for my first semester. I already know that I got an "A-" in the hardest class I took this semester, so that's a good start.

When I slid my final under the professor's door, I instantly felt good. Instantly! Like a drug kicked in or something. I am now going to write a press release and do some research on experimental studies on high school kids, but I don't mind at all. My first semester is done.

Like the Blog, Not the Blogger

So there's this blog I read on the regular. I read it because it has a very specific purpose and I have learned a lot...when I was contesting something very intimidating, I used the blog to help me compose the letter. At the same time, I was often so envious of how together the blogger seemed with regard to this specific aspect of his/her life. But there is something going on with this blogger, he/she is getting mean and not nice to read. And through one recent post I realized, this blogger's life has a lot to be desired. Though he/she may have one aspect of his/her life under control, some other, very important aspects are a hot mess!

I know this is a bit of schadenfreude, but I feel better knowing this blogger is not perfect in all things. I also hope this blogger finds some solace and peace in his/her soul, because he/she is not a nice blogger right now. Maybe the blogger should take a break.

P.S. I'm not naming the blog because that would be unnecessarily mean. I doubt this blogger reads my blog, so chances are it's not you.

I'm Not Alright

Has this ever happened to you?

Something somewhat upsetting happens to you...nothing major...but upsetting nonetheless. You don't feel it right away. So you tell everyone around you that you are fine...you even believe it yourself.

But then something else happens...something not at all upsetting, but related...and you realize that you are indeed quite upset.

The worst part is that you realize that you've been living in denial in order to not be upset...and that you can't stay that way. Even if you have to make hard decisions.

That's what happened to me this morning.

What's Wrong with Me?

I really want to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. I can't explain why. The way Ariel's tail is attached to the back of her costume looks ridiculous, but I still want to see the show. I think I dig how multiculti (to use a term from tuckergurl) it is.

Harvard is turning my brain to mush.

TV

I watched the re-premieres of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" last night. I was impressed with how funny they both were on their own, but I got the sense that they were exhausted...and exhausting their material. Jon Stewart was straight-up pissed at everybody. His rant at first sounded like he was attacking the writers for quibbling over downloads from iTunes, equating watching TV on an iPod like getting a sample of cheese. But then he was on the attack toward the networks. He's just pissed; apparently Comedy Central tried to work out a side deal for his and Colbert's show, but the Guild said no. For some reason, I believe that Colbert will last longer than Stewart...maybe because half his show will be spent with the audience giving him a standing ovation.

I do have to say that I really miss Stewart's and Colbert's commentary on this election season. As exciting as this race is, it's not nearly as funny.

With that said, I am SO excited for the New Hampshire primary results tonight. TM and I are going to make popcorn and watch the votes roll in. So exciting!

P.S. Is anyone going to watch the Golden Globes press conference Sunday night? I mean, seriously...a press conference!?! The fact that NBC wouldn't release the broadcast rights so the event could go on without a TV show is bull-headed and pouty. Bad form. So now everyone suffers.

A press conference is the same thing as looking up the winners the next day on the website; it just takes longer. Ah well, I need to study for my stats final anyway. I really want this strike to affect the Oscars. People will stop being so damn stubborn once the Oscars are threatened.

Obama Wins Iowa!

This makes me happy! Did you notice that he is channeling the intonation of Martin Luther King, Jr. during his speech last night? Listen to the way he says, "They said..." and "America." TM and I noticed it instantly. I was aware of the emotional reaction I had when he did it. Luckily, I like what he's saying.

I'm reading an old Time magazine article about Obama and they quote him as asking for "a party that doesn't just focus on how to win but why we should." He is such a wordsmith! Which is so refreshing after eight years of listening to a guy who sounds like a complete idiot. I dig it.

Happy Birthday, TM!

Babe,

I love you so much and I am so glad that I've been able to celebrate two birthdays with you. Here's hoping we celebrate many more together.

-Baby Cakes

Happy New Year, Y'all!

I have been allergic to my computer for the past couple of weeks. The idea of using my laptop for anything, even checking email, has created a strange reaction. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I used my laptop every single day of last semester.

What that means is that even when I had plenty of opportunities to post while spending Christmas at The Ranch, I didn't want to. So to sum up, it was a great time. TM's family actually got me presents...which I didn't expect...and I didn't have to work as hard with the cows. It was very cool to see all the calves I worked with over the summer all grown up and almost as big as their mothers. I was able to meet the last of TM's family and got to know other family members better. Lots of great food was consumed.

One funny story: it's cold there. Very cold. Negative temperatures were often reported. We would wake up and it would be 15 degrees below or 22 degrees below. I went running one morning and frost formed on my eyelashes. I had to keep wiping my eyes in order to open and close them.

So, it's a New Year. As you may know, I try to avoid resolutions and instead work under a yearly theme...like this one and this one. This time I do have specific goals I want to accomplish, but I still need a theme. So this year, my theme is to Not Get Complacent. This year is going to be rough, and it would be easy for me to blame Harvard for not doing anything else but going to classes and writing papers. But I do want to keep doing things: like exercising, like moving forward on non-course requirements of my degree, like keeping my weight down.

So my theme will be my personal kick-in-the-pants so that I keep my head out of my ass. Wish me luck!

Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.

My New Favorite Place

I discovered it this morning. It's so wonderful and made just for me. I feel the most comfortable, the safest, the most loved when I'm there.

It's lying in bed, grudgingly waking up, intertwined with TM on one side of me and Ella curled up (and taking up too much room) on the other side.

That is by far the best place for me to be.

I Don't Get Videos

I'm up early this Friday. I don't have classes today, but I'm not upset. I'm just glad that I can enjoy this Friday off and not rush off to a group meeting or site visit or something.

So I'm watching videos. Things I haven't seen in a very long time. And I realize that I don't get them. How does a woman stop Freddy Rodriguez from killing himself by dancing in the Santana video? And how did she get a waitress job where she can take over the restaurant with her sexy dancing? All that hair flying around the food must be a health hazard.

And there's this video with the girl who plays Vanessa on "Gossip Girl" where I'm supposed to believe that even though she has the alcohol problem and is sitting in the passenger seat, the driver gets killed in an accident. I don't buy it. But I do think she looks better with straight hair...she has curly hair in the show...to make her more ethnic, I think.

And there was no way I was going to watch a video hoochie be all lovey-dovey to Sean Kingston, even if he's talking about how rough his life is. He's not attractive and not talented.

And is it just me, but does Natasha Bettingfield looks like she's 37? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she looks bad. I'm saying she looks too old to be referencing high school feelings in her songs. And she's definitely too old to have Sean Kingston featured in her multi-culti video.

In other news, my good friend, Angela came to visit me last weekend. We had a mellow weekend, but I really enjoyed seeing her face. I missed her so much! I wish I would have scheduled in more time with just her and I, but I'll visit NYC in January. P.S. If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, don't. It sucked.

In other other news, my semester is over in less than two weeks! Well, it's not over because I have finals due at the end of January...but I don't have anymore classes in about a week and a half. I know I sound all dramatic, but I really can't believe I finished and that I accomplished all that I did. I now know what a standard deviation is and how to get it. I know a basic overview of the history of urban education and how its history shapes its function today. I know that US colleges have a 50% graduation rate and that rate is continuing to decrease. I know how to write a reference list in APA format. None of these things I knew just four months ago. Crazy!

You should do that sometime...pick a time in the recent past and come up with all the stuff that you know now that you absolutely didn't know then. If you've got nothing...go start learning!

I Know People

TM always makes fun of me because every time we see a movie, I always recognize the actors or the director. Often I have a personal connection...albeit a weak one...with someone I see on screen...like one of the law students in "Michael Clayton" who I went to college with. When that happens, TM asks me, "When are we having dinner with Spielberg?"

This time, however, I have a very close connection to this filmmaker. Her name is Angela Tucker and she is fabulicious! Check out her very cool short film...visit it early and often!

A Pretty Big Loophole

Harvard has a lot of trust in its students...

So I just got this email saying that, while in pursuit of my doctorate, I could get my Master's in a comparable program. I'm SO doing that, by the way. Two degrees for the price of one.

Alas, there's the rub. The doctorate program I'm in is fully funded for the first three years, which are the most expensive because those are the ones in which you take classes. For the rest of your program you just pay fees for the health insurance and the right to be called a student. Not only do I not have to drop a dime to take classes...all the books for the course are on reserve, so technically I wouldn't have to pay for books. Though that would be silly. Anywhoo...but I'm getting a housing stipend that covers my half of the rent for the academic year. The Master's program is the opposite of fully funded. Lots of people are taking out lots of loans this year.

So it seems to me that it's in one's best interest to apply to the doctorate program, even if all you want is a Master's. Sure, it's a lot more work and your chances of acceptance is a lot slimmer, but it might be worth it to get a free Master's.

I probably shouldn't say this too loudly, huh?

All The Posts I Would Have Written...

So I've actually wanted to post in the past weeks several times. Alas, I still don't feel like I can spare the time. I'm getting better though.

Anyway, here are the abstracts to the posts I would have written.

I Thought We Lived in a Good Neighborhood. TM and I were so excited to be able to give out candy this year after years of living in apartment buildings in NYC, where you don't ever buzz someone in that you don't know. Our neighborhood is filled with houses that are filled with kids. We went to Costco and got a big bag of candy and 100 Blow-Pops...just in case we ran out. Apparently, we live on a crappy street because only one group of kids came by all night! And of those five kids, only two of them were in a costume. TM gave them each a huge handful of candy and I've been bringing the rest to school. So sad...

Happy Anniversary? TM and I celebrated our first anniversary the beginning of October. It isn't technically a year since we became boyfriend/girlfriend (that's in December), but it's been a year since we've basically been together...he didn't date anyone else once we had our first date and I went on one lame ass date before I realized that I was comparing the dude to TM. It was a great anniversary: dinner in the North End, gelato in a cute dessert shop. The rest of the month did not go so well. We had a very hard month discussing our "next step." It was really difficult, where a lot was revealed and a lot of tears were shed. Ultimately, it was one of the best things that has happened to us. We are closer and know so much more about each other than we did...even after a year. Now we're having a blast!

Duh! I want to be engaged. TM knows this and we are "in talks"...I don't think anyone is going on strike or anything. It's just funny because as soon as I said it out loud to TM, it felt like this huge revelation and the most obvious thing to me simultaneously. I think being married to TM would be the coolest thing ever.

Movies I've Seen. So part of my adjustment period at Harvard is trying to find balance between getting my work done and taking care of my family and me. It's still a struggle, but I'm getting better. So good, in fact that for three weekends in a row, I've seen a movie in the movie theatre! Can I say again how much I love having a $7 movie theatre walking distance from my house? So I've seen Eastern Promises, American Gangster, and Lars and the Real Girl.

I officially don't get David Cronenberg films. I mean I don't get what the hubbub is about. This movie is well-scripted and directed in a pretty straight-forward way. There is one pretty amazing scene in the film that I have never seen before...I imagine that must have taken some skill to execute. Besides that, it was pretty good, but not great.

American Gangster, on the other hand, was so kick-ass! Denzel was better than he was in Training Day. In Training Day, I could feel him actively trying to get the audience to forget his usual acting type. Like he was screaming: "I'm not always a nice guy, you know!" Granted, he was screaming in an excellent voice. With this film, he wore his character like a perfectly tailored suit. You didn't see the work behind the character...he just was. And Russel Crowe's character was made for him: earthy and awkward and sexy and tough. He was a meaty actor in a meaty role. It was a fascinating story as well, all the more interesting because it's true.

I loved Lars and the Real Girl so much. I understood that character so much. I don't know if it's due to the writing or due to my own mental health struggles, but I totally got why Lars did everything he did and it all made complete sense to me. There were several moments where I was laughing and sad crying at the exact same time. Anyone who has dealt with loss, with loneliness, with family issues should see this film. I'm not saying you'll relate to it the way I did, but you'll definitely recognize something in the film. So Good!

It's Coming Together. The cool thing that happens in a strong academic setting is happening for me right about now. I'm making brand new connections in my brain. What I'm learning about in my Econ class is tying into my core doctoral seminar about the role of education in perpetuating or dismantling class. When I learn about adult development, I can apply to how workers in an organization deal with change. I'm going to use the skills I developed in my qualitative interviewing class on a class project in another one. I love that feeling of connecting.

They Are Dropping Like Flies. Perhaps I had Harvard on too high a pedestal, but I thought that the Admissions Committee did all the weeding out before we got here. I know I was struggling with feeling stupid, but it didn't seriously occur to me that I would quit the program. I thought I might fail out, but I'm not worried about that anymore. However, there is serious self-doubt creeping into the ranks...people who I thought had this whole grad school thing down are catching the "I wanna quit" cold. It's kinda scary. No one beside the woman I spoke about before has actually done it, but there is more talk than makes me comfortable. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize: Dr. L. Britt!

Shout-out. A friend of mine...who hasn't posted on her blog in quite a while :)...is making a huge life change soon. It's something that she's wanted to do for a long time and now she's making it happen. I just want to say that I'm very proud of her and happy for her. Yeah!

Scared to Hope. So I just saw the latest "Grey's Anatomy" episode online. That one was good! It was really good. It wasn't precocious and annoying they way it's been all season. It was simple and well-written and it let the good actors be good actors. It was interesting to see Christina not be top dawg. It was comforting to have Bailey back in charge. And I'm SO happy they are sabotaging the whole George/Izzie thing, because that relationship reeked of a Sweeps Week ploy. It was like the writers tried to have a one-night stand with a lame plot choice and the choice ended up pregnant, so they were stuck with it. So now I'm happy with the show, but I still have to take it one episode at a time, because who knows if it will get annoying again.

This Video Makes Me Happy

Mary J. Blige's new album drops next month and I think a good dose of Mary is exactly what I need as mid-terms kick in. This is the video of her first single, "Just Fine." It's her usual, believe-in-yourself, my-life-is-great message, but the song is really fun to listen to. Also, you can tell she's been working out and LOVES her new body. Check it out! 10 points if you spot the ode to Michael Jackson.

Addendum: Sorry to those who clicked on the video and got some other random band after MTV said the video was only available on their website. They are acting like I stole the video when I got the embed code from their site!!! Don't freakin' bait-and-switch me! Anywhoo, this link should bring you directly to the well-dressed, fabulous-wig-wearing Mary herself.