Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Tight Lipped

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I hosted my second Christmas dinner last night. I think it went pretty well. Everyone got drunk from eating too much, no one got sick from drinking to0 much, and people felt comfortable enough to stay till 1:00 am. Ella and I got to spend our first Christmas surrounded by friends new and old, and one kick-ass newborn. AND...I woke up this morning with only six wine glasses to wash because I had periodically been washing dishes all through the evening.

I learned yet some more things about myself yesterday:
  1. I've got one twisted sense of humor. The older I get, the more twisted it seems to get.
  2. I am extremely Type A when it comes to entertaining in my home. I don't want to be, but I just am. I thought that being Type A was just about being on a power trip. But it isn't. I would just to get really anxious if things weren't being done a particular way. So my Type A-ness would kick in because it made the anxiety go away...and I felt better. And it was very specific to getting rid of trash and putting unused item away. I just didn't want anything superfluous around while I was cooking. It was strange to recognize that.
On to my post.

I've spoken before about my silence regarding my love life. I'm contemplating whether or not it is self-imposed. Clearly, I'm not all that comfortable gushing about most anything. Maybe it's some warped sense of not wanting to make other people uncomfortable. I'd hate to be one of those women who only talks about their boyfriend, yet there is a reason that phenomenon exists. In the early stages of a relationship, it's normal to be smitten with every little thing he does. It doesn't necessarily make you co-dependent, or moving too fast, or unrealistic...does it?

Perhaps I'm afraid my friends will say what I say to myself ALL THE TIME: Well, you felt so good about Ex and see how that turned out. If this doesn't work out, like all the other ones didn't work out, how stupid will I feel? Pretty.

I think I might be afraid that they'll say I brought it on myself. Which of course I did. Which of course everyone does when they enter a relationship and it doesn't work out. Unless the red flags were there from the beginning and you didn't see them. In that case, you REALLY don't deserve any sympathy. Which is what happened with Ex. But of course I didn't have the vision I have now, so there was no way I would have seen them then. Arggghhhh!

All I know is that I want to gush about The Mormon. I'm crazy about him. With him, I have had some of the best times I've ever had with a man.

We are both very comfortable having a moment and then analyzing that moment, so for the first time ever, I feel completely comfortable to be my overanalytical self.

He is funny, romantic, passionate, so sweet.

He is not afraid to tell AND show me how he feels about me. I've never felt so loved and he hasn't even said the words.

We've only been dating for a couple of months, but I felt we should have been together for Christmas. And we should have definitely been together for New Year's.

I am thrilled he is a part of my life and I am a part of his.

See? That wasn't so hard. So why do I feel bad? Eh...I don't know. I am going to try to be proud of myself for not letting that fear stop me from attempting to be present for this amazing experience.


Vaslav said...

Merry post-Christmas!!! I'm glad the party was fun - some of us don't mind gushing. There's red flags and then there's just normal flaws and quirks that we all have. Red flags include: telling you what to wear, what cups to unpack, wanting to control the path of the relationship, to name a few.Be happy you haven't chosen someone like that this time around!
Bye for now xxx

Kelly said...

Congratulations on remaining present and for embracing this experience. I wish you much happiness with him and with yourself in 2007. :)