Wednesday, January 17, 2007

FUCK!

It's back. I thought I felt it nipping at me in the last few weeks, but it always subsided. Sometimes, it stopped me from going to work, but I figured it was because I am officially tired of my workplace.

But today it made itself perfectly clear: it was not going to be ignored.

I had a full-on anxiety attack...just like before. I had to call a co-worker...the same one from before...to walk me into my building and up into my office.

DAMN IT!

I'm so fucking angry and scared. I SO don't want to be crazy and when I get this way...I only feel completely out of control and crazy.

I think I know what is causing this resurgence of emotional sludge, but that doesn't mean it's any less painful or infuriating! All it means is that I may have to go back on medication.

DAMN IT!

I am so angry that the word "angry" isn't doing my emotion justice. Why can't my brain just be normal? Why can't the trauma just stop?

7 comments:

m. said...

Cripes!

I'm sorry you're suffering through this.

I wish I had some words of consolation for you -- but I don't know the situation well enough to offer any words of value. I'm confident that you have good friends who know you better -- and are there for you!

But, you should know -- that I'll be thinking good thoughts for you! You deserve to be happy. You deserve to enjoy your life. DON'T LET THE NEGATIVITY TAKE OVER! FIGHT IT! Fight it all the way. YOU SHALL CLAIM VICTORY! I have no doubt!

m. said...

Don't forget!

VICTORY SHALL BE YOURS!!!

VICTORY!!!!

Vaslav said...

My dear -
I feel so bad for you. Let yourself be angry - this is super irritating - but anxiety attacks ARE NOT the same as being crazy. They are a phyiscal manifestation of stress hormones gone amuk. They can be controlled, either by popping some anti-anxiety medication (I occasioanlly take lorazepan, don't knock it, great in emergencies - the thing is it's taken when needed, unlike antidepressants, and has many less side effects.) Then I'd suggest a session with a social worker, not therapist, not psychiatrist, someone NEW who doesn;t know you but can simply help with specific goal of dealing with stress overload. Because that is what it is. There is a lot of literature out there and on line to read up on this, I know many people who have gone through it when they are experiencing change GOOD OR BAD - it's still a stressor. Check out www.panicanxiety.com
and please try to see this setback as an alert to finding ways to deal with stress. Reach out for help, there are lots of people who care about you and can help you get through this bit. You do not have to go through this alone. Please don't let this get you down too much at a good time in your life: anxiety disorders are common and often chronic, that is they pop up on us susceptible types when there's too much going on. So the main deal is getting educated on how to prevent them from escalating, how to recognize signs of mounting anxiety and cut them off at the pass. I hope I'm not being too directive, but I'm at a point in my life where I've seen numerous people go through this and learn to control it, much like any other medical condition. Hang in there!!!much love "V"

Melissa said...

Uh oh.

But you know what? At least there's an uh oh this time. You can feel it coming. You know what to do - or at least which general way to go. That's a big big difference than before. Before was then, you didn't know as much. You were the old you. Now the new you has more knowledge and more experience. That's got to count for something. Whp was it that told me about the cycles, hmm? I think it was you. The smart, present, aware you. That's who you are.

Shai said...

Let it go. Go through the emotions but don't let them take you over. It is natural to feel through crazy, trying situations,just don't go mad.

I have been there. Hell, I am going through some ish now. I pray and move on. To hold back emotions makes it worse I believe.

MsJayy said...

Hey Sweetie. I know, I'm late. I hope you're feeling better. I offer prayers & hugs. ((hugs))

L. Britt said...

Wow. Thank you all so much. I am receiving support in places I least expected it. Thank you.