Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.

My New Favorite Place

I discovered it this morning. It's so wonderful and made just for me. I feel the most comfortable, the safest, the most loved when I'm there.

It's lying in bed, grudgingly waking up, intertwined with TM on one side of me and Ella curled up (and taking up too much room) on the other side.

That is by far the best place for me to be.

I Don't Get Videos

I'm up early this Friday. I don't have classes today, but I'm not upset. I'm just glad that I can enjoy this Friday off and not rush off to a group meeting or site visit or something.

So I'm watching videos. Things I haven't seen in a very long time. And I realize that I don't get them. How does a woman stop Freddy Rodriguez from killing himself by dancing in the Santana video? And how did she get a waitress job where she can take over the restaurant with her sexy dancing? All that hair flying around the food must be a health hazard.

And there's this video with the girl who plays Vanessa on "Gossip Girl" where I'm supposed to believe that even though she has the alcohol problem and is sitting in the passenger seat, the driver gets killed in an accident. I don't buy it. But I do think she looks better with straight hair...she has curly hair in the show...to make her more ethnic, I think.

And there was no way I was going to watch a video hoochie be all lovey-dovey to Sean Kingston, even if he's talking about how rough his life is. He's not attractive and not talented.

And is it just me, but does Natasha Bettingfield looks like she's 37? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she looks bad. I'm saying she looks too old to be referencing high school feelings in her songs. And she's definitely too old to have Sean Kingston featured in her multi-culti video.

In other news, my good friend, Angela came to visit me last weekend. We had a mellow weekend, but I really enjoyed seeing her face. I missed her so much! I wish I would have scheduled in more time with just her and I, but I'll visit NYC in January. P.S. If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, don't. It sucked.

In other other news, my semester is over in less than two weeks! Well, it's not over because I have finals due at the end of January...but I don't have anymore classes in about a week and a half. I know I sound all dramatic, but I really can't believe I finished and that I accomplished all that I did. I now know what a standard deviation is and how to get it. I know a basic overview of the history of urban education and how its history shapes its function today. I know that US colleges have a 50% graduation rate and that rate is continuing to decrease. I know how to write a reference list in APA format. None of these things I knew just four months ago. Crazy!

You should do that sometime...pick a time in the recent past and come up with all the stuff that you know now that you absolutely didn't know then. If you've got nothing...go start learning!

I Know People

TM always makes fun of me because every time we see a movie, I always recognize the actors or the director. Often I have a personal connection...albeit a weak one...with someone I see on screen...like one of the law students in "Michael Clayton" who I went to college with. When that happens, TM asks me, "When are we having dinner with Spielberg?"

This time, however, I have a very close connection to this filmmaker. Her name is Angela Tucker and she is fabulicious! Check out her very cool short film...visit it early and often!

A Pretty Big Loophole

Harvard has a lot of trust in its students...

So I just got this email saying that, while in pursuit of my doctorate, I could get my Master's in a comparable program. I'm SO doing that, by the way. Two degrees for the price of one.

Alas, there's the rub. The doctorate program I'm in is fully funded for the first three years, which are the most expensive because those are the ones in which you take classes. For the rest of your program you just pay fees for the health insurance and the right to be called a student. Not only do I not have to drop a dime to take classes...all the books for the course are on reserve, so technically I wouldn't have to pay for books. Though that would be silly. Anywhoo...but I'm getting a housing stipend that covers my half of the rent for the academic year. The Master's program is the opposite of fully funded. Lots of people are taking out lots of loans this year.

So it seems to me that it's in one's best interest to apply to the doctorate program, even if all you want is a Master's. Sure, it's a lot more work and your chances of acceptance is a lot slimmer, but it might be worth it to get a free Master's.

I probably shouldn't say this too loudly, huh?

All The Posts I Would Have Written...

So I've actually wanted to post in the past weeks several times. Alas, I still don't feel like I can spare the time. I'm getting better though.

Anyway, here are the abstracts to the posts I would have written.

I Thought We Lived in a Good Neighborhood. TM and I were so excited to be able to give out candy this year after years of living in apartment buildings in NYC, where you don't ever buzz someone in that you don't know. Our neighborhood is filled with houses that are filled with kids. We went to Costco and got a big bag of candy and 100 Blow-Pops...just in case we ran out. Apparently, we live on a crappy street because only one group of kids came by all night! And of those five kids, only two of them were in a costume. TM gave them each a huge handful of candy and I've been bringing the rest to school. So sad...

Happy Anniversary? TM and I celebrated our first anniversary the beginning of October. It isn't technically a year since we became boyfriend/girlfriend (that's in December), but it's been a year since we've basically been together...he didn't date anyone else once we had our first date and I went on one lame ass date before I realized that I was comparing the dude to TM. It was a great anniversary: dinner in the North End, gelato in a cute dessert shop. The rest of the month did not go so well. We had a very hard month discussing our "next step." It was really difficult, where a lot was revealed and a lot of tears were shed. Ultimately, it was one of the best things that has happened to us. We are closer and know so much more about each other than we did...even after a year. Now we're having a blast!

Duh! I want to be engaged. TM knows this and we are "in talks"...I don't think anyone is going on strike or anything. It's just funny because as soon as I said it out loud to TM, it felt like this huge revelation and the most obvious thing to me simultaneously. I think being married to TM would be the coolest thing ever.

Movies I've Seen. So part of my adjustment period at Harvard is trying to find balance between getting my work done and taking care of my family and me. It's still a struggle, but I'm getting better. So good, in fact that for three weekends in a row, I've seen a movie in the movie theatre! Can I say again how much I love having a $7 movie theatre walking distance from my house? So I've seen Eastern Promises, American Gangster, and Lars and the Real Girl.

I officially don't get David Cronenberg films. I mean I don't get what the hubbub is about. This movie is well-scripted and directed in a pretty straight-forward way. There is one pretty amazing scene in the film that I have never seen before...I imagine that must have taken some skill to execute. Besides that, it was pretty good, but not great.

American Gangster, on the other hand, was so kick-ass! Denzel was better than he was in Training Day. In Training Day, I could feel him actively trying to get the audience to forget his usual acting type. Like he was screaming: "I'm not always a nice guy, you know!" Granted, he was screaming in an excellent voice. With this film, he wore his character like a perfectly tailored suit. You didn't see the work behind the character...he just was. And Russel Crowe's character was made for him: earthy and awkward and sexy and tough. He was a meaty actor in a meaty role. It was a fascinating story as well, all the more interesting because it's true.

I loved Lars and the Real Girl so much. I understood that character so much. I don't know if it's due to the writing or due to my own mental health struggles, but I totally got why Lars did everything he did and it all made complete sense to me. There were several moments where I was laughing and sad crying at the exact same time. Anyone who has dealt with loss, with loneliness, with family issues should see this film. I'm not saying you'll relate to it the way I did, but you'll definitely recognize something in the film. So Good!

It's Coming Together. The cool thing that happens in a strong academic setting is happening for me right about now. I'm making brand new connections in my brain. What I'm learning about in my Econ class is tying into my core doctoral seminar about the role of education in perpetuating or dismantling class. When I learn about adult development, I can apply to how workers in an organization deal with change. I'm going to use the skills I developed in my qualitative interviewing class on a class project in another one. I love that feeling of connecting.

They Are Dropping Like Flies. Perhaps I had Harvard on too high a pedestal, but I thought that the Admissions Committee did all the weeding out before we got here. I know I was struggling with feeling stupid, but it didn't seriously occur to me that I would quit the program. I thought I might fail out, but I'm not worried about that anymore. However, there is serious self-doubt creeping into the ranks...people who I thought had this whole grad school thing down are catching the "I wanna quit" cold. It's kinda scary. No one beside the woman I spoke about before has actually done it, but there is more talk than makes me comfortable. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize: Dr. L. Britt!

Shout-out. A friend of mine...who hasn't posted on her blog in quite a while :)...is making a huge life change soon. It's something that she's wanted to do for a long time and now she's making it happen. I just want to say that I'm very proud of her and happy for her. Yeah!

Scared to Hope. So I just saw the latest "Grey's Anatomy" episode online. That one was good! It was really good. It wasn't precocious and annoying they way it's been all season. It was simple and well-written and it let the good actors be good actors. It was interesting to see Christina not be top dawg. It was comforting to have Bailey back in charge. And I'm SO happy they are sabotaging the whole George/Izzie thing, because that relationship reeked of a Sweeps Week ploy. It was like the writers tried to have a one-night stand with a lame plot choice and the choice ended up pregnant, so they were stuck with it. So now I'm happy with the show, but I still have to take it one episode at a time, because who knows if it will get annoying again.

This Video Makes Me Happy

Mary J. Blige's new album drops next month and I think a good dose of Mary is exactly what I need as mid-terms kick in. This is the video of her first single, "Just Fine." It's her usual, believe-in-yourself, my-life-is-great message, but the song is really fun to listen to. Also, you can tell she's been working out and LOVES her new body. Check it out! 10 points if you spot the ode to Michael Jackson.

Addendum: Sorry to those who clicked on the video and got some other random band after MTV said the video was only available on their website. They are acting like I stole the video when I got the embed code from their site!!! Don't freakin' bait-and-switch me! Anywhoo, this link should bring you directly to the well-dressed, fabulous-wig-wearing Mary herself.

Minor Earthquake

I'm in the library right now working on my first "real" paper of the semester. Not my first paper of the semester, mind you...more like my tenth...but the first one that is actually inducing anxiety in my classmates and me.

Anyway, I just heard word that the first of the first year doctoral students (or D1s) has withdrawn from the program. I say "first" because I'm trying to keep it real...there will probably be more. One of them might be me, for all I know. This program is officially no joke. If you are not disciplined, you will not make it. There is just too much to do. And in order to maintain a semblance of a life, you must be diligent and super efficient.

Still, with all of that said, the fact that one of us is no longer going to be in our core class tomorrow is creating a sort of...effect. People don't not go to class, so when someone isn't there, you feel it. Apparently, she left because of personal reasons, but still...there is a hush every time someone speaks to it. Ultimately, I know she will be fine. The majority of the world don't get a degree from Harvard and live to tell the tale, but you wouldn't know from the reaction of my classmates today. It's as if she died. Me, I'm more worried about the underlying reasons for her decision and if they were worth it, but I guess I'll never know.

Unfortunately, I can't think about it too much right now...gotta get back to my Econ paper.

Yeah!

This makes me happy!

I'm so excited about this!

Next Friday, Dr. Drew Faust will be inaugurated as Harvard's first female president. This school has been around for 300 years and I happen to be here when it's getting its first female leader. I can't explain it, but I am SO excited about this.

Listen to this fact:

"Drew Faust is only Harvard’s 28th president since its founding. The United States, which is considerably younger than the university, has had 43 presidents."

- Harvard University Office of the President website

It's going to be a two-day event, with readings, a symposium, musical events. There is this website all about the ceremony and all the Harvard artifacts that are coming out of the archives for this grand event. Toni Morrison, one of America's best writers ever, is going to do a reading before the ceremony!

I'm excited like I'm going to have lunch with Barack or something! I can't wait!

Milestone

Today, I completed my third week of classes. It feels like I've been through an entire semester!

In other milestone news, TM and I are going to celebrate our one-year anniversary next weekend. Crazy! We are at a pivotal juncture in our relationship, but we're there together. My insecure, crazy ass just needs reminding of that fact sometimes.

Okay, back to work!

Is it just me...

...or was the season premiere of "Grey's Anatomy" last night highly disappointing? I felt like it wasn't the up to the caliber of previous season premieres and it certainly didn't do justice to the way the show ended last spring.

Izzie's story line and the dialogue she had to say was atrocious. Her lines reminded me of Meredith's "Choose me. Pick me. Love me." of the first season. My friend who watched it with me said, "There's nothing worse than an fake deer." I added, "Coupled with a crappy child actor!"

And what was that random rant she spit out at George in the stairway? Izzie was like a high school student in a Shakespearean play...she knew where to put the emphasis to make it sound smooth, but she didn't have a clue what she was saying.

I'm going to stick around and see if the writers dig themselves out of this hole. I'm worried that Shonda Rhimes might go the way of "The Boondocks" creator...get so many things cooking that none of them end up tasting good.

Elitist Private Joke

So, I am really pissed off right now and I can't say it anywhere but here.

I'm sitting in my core lecture required of all first year doctoral students. Everyone at Harvard have bent over backwards to console me about my lack of research experience. "Don't worry about it!" they say. "The courses you will take later in the semester will explain it all." However, the professor just threw up all these quantitative symbols and made all these witty jokes. I had NO idea what the hell was so funny.

I finally called him out saying, "So right now, you're just dropping a bunch of inside jokes for stats people."

Ughhhh!

Twenty-First Century Civil Rights March

I just read this article on the New York Times website. It's about the Jena Six: six black teenagers arrested last year on attempted murder charges after they beat a fellow white classmate unconscious. The fight was precipitated by someone hanging nooses from a tree known for being a hangout for white students. Jena, Louisiana is a town of about 3,000 residents and is 85% white. I have no opinion on whether or not the charges were justified; I need to learn more about the case.

However, in the article, many quotes stood out. One of them was President Bush's. His quote slowed the whole flow of the article down. His syntax and inability to form coherent sentences just sounded like he was...an idiot. God, I can't wait till he's gone.

Another quote that stood out was one by Eric Depradine.

“This is the first time something like this has happened for our generation,” said Eric Depradine, 24, a senior at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. “You always heard about it from history books and relatives. This is a chance to experience it for ourselves.”

The thing is...it isn't the first thing like this that has happened in our generation. From being good friends with tuckergurl, I know that civil rights are being violated down racial lines every day in our criminal justice system, our prisons, and in death penalty policies. The re-segregation of our public schools and the disenfranchisement of blacks through redistricting have all happened in Depradine's generation. I guess for Depradine, it's in this case that he feels he can make a difference.

The best quote of the article, however, was by Latese Brown:

“If you can figure out how to make a school yard fight into an attempted murder charge, I’m sure you can figure out how to make stringing nooses into a hate crime.”

That's funny because it's true.

I've Been Hit With The H-Bomb

When I got accepted into Harvard, I had a hard time telling people. In casual conversation, I would say, "I'm going to grad school in Boston." Then I would say, "Actually, I'm getting my doctorate in Cambridge." By that time, I sounded like a real douche bag. Ironically, I avoided mentioning Harvard in order to not sound like a douche bag.

Well, now I am not ashamed to say that I go to Harvard, because I feel like I am here by the skin of my teeth. I just finished my first week of classes...I'm already behind in the reading. I have a paper, an assignment and a class presentation due in the next week and a half. One of my classes made me cry...not in the class...because I felt dumb and alone. I don't mind feeling dumb, but I truly felt like I was the only one who didn't know what the hell was going on. Well, maybe I mind feeling dumb a little bit. My ass is being kicked!

The good thing is that my classmates are really supportive, honest and non-competitive. So I'm getting lots of support.

This weekend, I am going to revamp my entire approach to the hundreds of pages of reading that are due every week. I'm actually excited about my new approach to homework. So hopefully, Harvard will have to find another way to beat me to a pulp.

My Indictment of Hollywood's Portrayal of "Good" Fathers

I will begin this by stating that this indictment is not based on solid or thorough research. It is based on only two movies that TM and I recently saw via Netflix. These movies have nothing else in common except for the fact that the fathers are dark-skinned and do some stupid shyt in the name of protecting their family.

The first movie is The Pursuit of Happyness. As we put the DVD in, Summer's words about this movie were forefront in my mind. I shared them with TM and by the end of the film, we were both furious and think Summer is a genius. How dare Chris Gardner?!?!?! How dare he call his wife "weak" because she wants to leave when she was working double shifts for months? How dare he demand that his son stay with him when his wife had family and a job lined up in New York? How dare he have money in the bank for the IRS to levy and didn't use it to pay his rent? How dare he become inspired to be a stockbroker by seeing a Ferrari and justify the decision by saying it's for his family? How dare he not get a part-time job while he was selling those bone-density machines? The movie tried really hard to make Will Smith's character sympathetic and make everyone else the bad guy/girl, but it didn't work. Like Summer, I thought it was a very well-acted film, but ultimately I wasn't buying what it was trying to sell. And I am dying to know what the relationship is between the real Chris Gardner and his son.

The second movie we've seen recently is Blood Diamond. This movie was good, but I was always afraid that the filmmakers were enjoying portraying the horrors Africans were inflicting on each other a little too much. I totally dug how unapologetically Leo took on the language; it was fun watching him speak the patois. However...poor Djimon Hounson. Per usual, he played the honorable black person used to teach the lost white soul the path to redemption. He also played the fool! In his path to find his son, his character puts him and Leo's character in danger again and again. All in the name of his family, he makes one mistake after another. He actually started to piss me off.

My conclusion based solely on these films is that Hollywood thinks it's all right for a father to put his family in more peril if he says it's for their betterment. And it's more understandable if you are a black father. I know I am oversimplifying these films, but it's where my head is at the moment.

Ella is City Dog...Straight Up

Yet another reason I love my neighborhood is that there is a run/bike/dog walk path one block from my house. If I so chose, I could use it to get to Concord, MA...which is not close by. Right now, I only use it to get to Medford for my run and to get Ella to meet other dogs.

However, Ella doesn't like it at all. As we approach it, she will actively try to walk in the opposite direction. Since she doesn't ever lead the walk, she always relents. But she only feels comfortable when there are lots of people walking on the path. When we're alone with the trees and the squirrels and the birds, Ella is quite nervous. However, on the way back home, when we walk on the major street with the delis...this area doesn't have bodegas, only delis...and the restaurants and realty offices, she's happy as a clam.

What kind of dog prefers concrete and glass over trees and grass? Mine, apparently.

How I Know I'm Old

I'm addicted to "The Hills." I know it's edited to make Lauren look like "the responsible one," but I really respect her staying sane in the crazy-ass LA that MTV created. I'm completely invested in the outcome of the whole Heidi-Lauren feud.

These facts don't prove I'm old, however. What does is how incredibly transparent Justin/Bobby is. He is the on-again/off-again boyfriend of Adriana. He's hot, I will give him that...though he needs a haircut in the worst way. But I've met and/or dated that guy. He's the guy that says he doesn't believe in labels, which means he doesn't want to commit but still wants to sleep with you. He says he doesn't listen to other people because he doesn't want you to listen to your friends tell you he's a loser. He says he just listens to his heart when he really just listens to his penis.

He's so transparently a jerkoff. It's obvious to anyone who has lived through their late teens/early 20s. He's so predictable, I wonder why MTV decided to let him on the show.

Also, what's up with the long awkward pauses at the end of each scene? I know that the editors chop the conversations up like stir fry vegetables, but what's up with that? Do the producers tell the "reality stars" to just sit and look at each other awkwardly?

What I've Been Thinking About

As you may well imagine, my head has been swarming with stuff. Instead of boring you in my quest to get into classes and figuring out which ones fit my research needs best...which is what I'm in the middle of now...I thought I would share other random thoughts.

• When someone stops caring about their blog, I wonder what's worse: not posting for a long time or continuing to post regularly, just in a half-assed way?

• There is this one blog that I used to love and now just enjoy...I think that's because the blogger is getting a little too big for his/her britches. He/she is sometimes a little annoying.

• So I listen to this great podcast: Keith and the Girl. It very raunchy, but it reminds me of Howard Stern when he wasn't interviewing strippers and getting B-list actresses to show him their tits. They talk about their lives, their relationship (they've been together for five years), their friends, their struggles to "make it." They are really funny and have some hilarious friends...Patrice is my favorite. Anywhoo, sometimes they will read stuff from the news wire and discuss it. I also listen to the podcast edition of Wait,Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR news quiz show. I do this because it's really funny. What I have often found is that both of these shows reference the same content. It's weird to hear Keith and Chemda's take on the goat sacrifice in the Nepalese airport, and then hear Peter Sagal read a question about it...it's the difference between the Post and the Times.

• I bought an iPhone yesterday. I'm not thrilled about it like I thought I would be. Partly that's because it was a lot of money...though now it's about the cost of any other high-end smartphone. I got the phone not because of any of its cool features, but because Apple is one smart-ass company. If you buy a Mac...which I did...and use iCal...which I do...and want/need to bring your calendar with you to use and edit...which I do...and don't want to spend hours doing computer geek research on how to get another smartphone to read the software...which I don't...then you get an iPhone. I have now become part of the Apple mob. Yup, they own my ass. At least I'm trapped with a damn cool phone and computer and I didn't use a credit card to pay for it! I don't know if you knew this, but not only did they slash the price from $600 to $400, but they have a $300 one as well.

• So here's the thing...I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this blog up. Sitting here this morning and writing this entry has felt really nice. It's feels good to blog. But I don't think I am going to have the time. I feel like it's been weeks since I've written because so much is happening right now, but I don't have time to document it. It frustrates me...and the less stressful emotions I have right now, the better. I don't think I'm finished with this blog like I was with my last one, but maybe it will go on hiatus or something. I'll give you notice when I take my leave...I make it sound like I have a huge readership or something. That's funny.

• I need a job...very soon.

• I think it's hilarious that I've come to Cambridge and become such a bike girl. I swear to you, biking is the fastest way to get from home to school. Faster than the T even. I'm looking at all my nice shoes and fashion boots thinking about how little wear they are going to get. They were New York shoes.
  

There's so much more I'm thinking about...but I got to get ready for school.

I'm Getting Vanity Fair This Month

I stopped subscribing to that magazine a LONG time ago, but every once in a while, it draws me back. It happened with the Africa issue...though ultimately I thought it highly problematic.

And they are doing it again. Apparently, Stephen Colbert is getting an in-depth article written about him in October's issue. I'm very intrigued, namely because this photo makes him strangely sexy to me.

The Sexism of ABC

After three days of very intense orientation, I decided to veg out with some TV. I flipped the channels and found a "Grey's Anatomy" repeat, which reminded me that its season premiere must be coming up. So I went to ABC's website and got distracted by its list of new fall shows.

I was appalled! There are a couple of female ensemble shows and a couple of male ensemble shows. All of them have at least one "star." Yet, the amount of hoopla that the male-dominated shows get totally dwarf the press for the female shows. "Big Shots" has nine commercials and a bunch more interviews and videos; "Carpoolers" has seven. "Women's Murder Club," starring Angie Harmon no less, got one 15-second spot. And "Cashmere Mafia" with Lucy Liu, got no commercials, just some interviews on the red carpet with a body-less interviewer asking some stupid questions.

I can't believe how blatant this unbalance is. Don't tell me that women don't watch TV or don't pay attention to new shows because that is straight up bull doody. Is there another, more logical explanation?

Yo! Raccoons are BIG! Oh, and school has begun.

Last night we had to put the trash out and there were two very large raccoons rummaging through it. They were bold! The trash was out on the curb, right underneath a streetlamp. When a person walked passed, one of them stood up on its hind legs. It was tall...like as tall as Ella on her hind legs! And Ella can reach the kitchen counter when she does that. I'm telling you, my exposure to nature in Somerville is constantly amazing.

So yesterday was my first day of pre-orientation. I'm a bit worried. I came home exhausted...and it's only the pre-orientation. I have to say that my fellow doctoral students are an impressive lot. People who have traveled all over the world, people who have done amazing things. Funny enough, I am the only person in my concentration who actually has professional experience in my concentration. Everyone else has extensive experience, but not in the field they are entering into. I figured everyone would have been Directors of this and that.

It was a good day overall, though the getting-to-know-you games were cheesy. The journey I'm about to partake became real for me and all the advanced doctoral students with whom I spoke made it clear that this totally doable. I realized this morning I was expecting a "Paper Chase"-like introduction to life at Harvard: intense and intimidating. Instead, there was an emphasis on how down to earth everything and everyone is. Perhaps Harvard is suffering from "thou does protest too much," but I'm buying it. I'm sure the faculty will be a lot more hardcore.

I've picked out the courses I want to take and have a meeting scheduled with my advisor. Now I've got to get ready for another day of learning "fun facts" about my colleagues.

And Now It's Moving Day

Boy oh boy! If I wasn't happy about the fact that we moved here so many weeks earlier before...I am now. The streets are clogged with moving vans...both yesterday and today. It's so strange. I'm sure that NYC is going through the same thing, but there are so many more people there, I never noticed. Besides, though I lived near a college, it was a commuter one, so there were a lot less students moving in.

Of course, I could be more acutely aware of this because I am a student myself. It's like that phenomenon when you get a new car, you start seeing your model of car everywhere.

In other news, I haven't seen that woodchuck/groundhog in days. Don't worry, I've been looking! I wonder if it's moved on. Perhaps it's got several bachelor pads. I'll keep you posted. Hmmm...now that I haven't seen it, I miss it.

It's Trash Day...Bring Out the Skunks!

After I got scolded by TM for saying I was bored, I got off my ass and worked on some stuff yesterday. It was good and necessary. However, I think I'm getting sick. Uggghhhh!

Anywhoo, in my effort to be more productive, I am coming up with more thoughts to post. One that I want to share is what happens the night before Trash Day. Before I continue, for seven years I never had to deal with Trash Day because I lived in apartment buildings. I just had to make sure the trash made it to the basement and the porter ensured it got out for the garbage men. Now that I'm back to living in a house, I've become more in tune with the cycle of the garbage! :) Kidding! But I have noticed that there are no rats in Somerville...at least not where I live. Instead, there are skunks. Lots of skunks. Skunks that wander through the neighborhood like cats. I've already seen two strolling down the sidewalk and smelled tens times that much. Especially the night before Trash Day. That's when they really take over. It's made me wonder which yucky animal I prefer. It's also made me hold onto the leash extra tightly when I walk Ella at night.

In other animal news, there is either a woodchuck or a groundhog living under my house. I wish I could be more specific, but as you can see, they look exactly alike. The creature looks just like these animals. I've seen it three times and every time it runs to the same place under the back porch. Crazy!

Woodchuck...
















...groundhog. Can you tell the difference?

Now I'm Just Bored

I have run out of things that need to be done. Pre-orientation...that's right: pre-orientation. I have a week of pre-orientation, then a week of regular orientation, then classes...doesn't start until next Tuesday, and classes don't even start until Sept. 17!

Due to a well-timed settlement check from a slip-and-fall accident several years ago and not using all my vacation days, I haven't needed to work since I moved...though I will eventually. Which has been great because there has been a lot to do. But now there is not so much to do.

• The apartment is totally set up. All necessary furniture has been assembled, all new curtains hung, all rugs laid.
  

• Ella has had her check-up at her new vet.

• Our car has had its tune-up and inspection and is sitting in front of our home.

• I know where the grocery store, the laundromat, the bank, the post office, the cool coffee shop, and all the restaurants are in our 'hood.
  

• Cable, gas, electric, Internet all hooked up.

Now, I'm just putzing. Doing laundry, going running, watching "Rome" on Netflix...so good that show is! I'm going to sign up for temp agencies this week and look into bartending school. It worked for me 10 years ago. But I feel a little in limbo until next week when I get a better sense of what my life is going to be like.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have done this any other way. I'm so glad we moved here well before I had to think about school. I couldn't imagine unpacking boxes after an 8-hour orientation on what it means to be a Harvard doctoral student. But my life is pretty boring right about now.

In other news, another one of my oldest friends is married. I'm perfectly content with where TM and I are at, but seeing another friend in a beautiful champagne dress does start to wear on you. As I tell all my other friends that have been to their third and fourth wedding this year: it is the season. We are officially of the age where people are coupling up and popping 'em out. At the wedding reception I was at this weekend, everyone was coupled. Even the people who came alone had girlfriends and husbands at home who just couldn't make it! 'Tis the season. Crazy!

Oh yeah, my birthday was last Friday. It was...by far...the most uneventful birthday I ever had. And it was fine. TM bought me roses and wrote me a beautiful card. I had already used his present...a gift certificate for a massage...the day before. I got phone calls and emails from friends and family. But I spent most of the day in traffic driving from Boston to Washington, DC. It was for a very worthy cause...see description of wedding reception for friend above...so it was all good. I'm 33 now...jeez!

I'm Just Sitting Here.

It's been years...YEARS I TELL YOU...since I've just sat down.

Our new apartment is done...for the most part. All the rooms have curtains and the ones that need rugs have them. There are still a couple of boxes left, filled with mostly kitsch.

I love our new apartment. It's the opposite of my place in Brooklyn...I think that's why I dig it so much. In my old place, there were four rooms with a lot of space. This place has lots of nooks and crannies that make up a lot of room. My thighs are going to appreciate the two flights of stairs I have to climb to get around this place, if nothing else does.

Now we just need to meet some new friends to have them over for dinner...we have a dining room now!

So much for sitting down...time to make dinner.

I'm Here. I Promise.

I'm just on the downhill slope of moving/unpacking/IKEA shopping/cable setting up. I have thoughts of my new 'hood and my new life to share. Coming soon.

That's What I'm Talking About!

create your own personalized map of the USA

TM and I just got in the door about 30 minutes ago from our cross-country trip. Luckily, our bodies, souls and relationship survived the six days and over 2,800 miles. And now I have so many more states that I can say I visited! I had to include Utah and Arizona because those are two of the Four Corners I mentioned earlier. I have now seen 56% of the country.

Off to bed! I'm going to try and avoid getting in any car for at least one day!

Catching Up

So much has been going on. It doesn't help that so much that goes on happens in the car, so I can't post about it.

So...quick recap. I'm no longer in Colorado. We left on Monday. The rest of my time there was pretty calm compared to the days working with the cows. I saw a play produced by a local repertory theatre...it was alright. I kept thinking, "I could direct something here." I went to a Catholic wedding where TM and his family performed the music for the ceremony. I met more family, ate more steak and just hung out.

Now TM and I are on our cross-country journey. We are heading back to NYC via the South. We went back to Albuquerque to see yet another aunt and her family, then traveled 12 hours to Austin, TX to visit...that's right...another aunt and uncle. TM's family is huge! That's where I am now.

I can't actually believe that I'm in Texas. I've seen so much just looking through my window. It's beautiful and scary...someone had Ole Dixie flying high over their business. I also ate at my first Sonic. I kept seeing the commercials in New York and never caught on that everyone was always in cars. Now I get the whole Sonic concept!

Note to Quel: I'm so sorry I didn't give you a head's up about being in Austin. I thought that we were only staying here one night, but we got in so late that we decided to stay an extra day. We'll be out on 6th Street tonight, though I don't know where yet. I absolutely love your city, by the way.

Since we decided to stay, I took full advantage. I went for a run around Town Lake this morning and was impressed by how many women were exercising. I washed my hair...always an endeavor... and now am going to sit in the sun room they built and read the new Harry Potter novel while it dries. Tonight, we're going to a rib house and checking out some live music. I'm very excited. I'm really digging Austin...I mean really digging it.

Our next stop will be New Orleans. Neither of us have ever been there, so any suggestions on a place to get good food and good music?

That Wasn't Really My First Cattle Drive

I thought it was...but after what I did later that afternoon and the next day, the events described in my previous post were nothing but child's play.

After lunch and a nap to calm me down, we went back to the corral where all the cows were. We had several tasks:

1. Sort out the calves that didn't have an ear tag. These calves had been born recently and needed to be tagged, vaccinated and castrated if they were males. More on that later.

2. Separate the cows that didn't have the brand of The Ranch on them. These were cows that didn't belong to TM's family, but had probably tagged along during a previous cattle drive. They needed to be returned to their owner.

3. Separate the steers (boy cows without balls) from the bulls (boy calves with balls), so that they wouldn't fight during this process.

We actually did all these things. I helped sort the cows from the calves by waving my arms around, chasing them, and saying "HAAH!" a lot. We got the ten untagged calves separated and put them in a chute one-by-one ...see left. Once they were there, TM's cousin tied a rope around their outside back leg and pulled it...hard...so that we would have access to the calves' balls. Then, TM's dad poked and prodded until he was sure both balls were dangling. Then I held them down as TM's dad put a very strong rubber band around their base. Blood flow will stop and in a couple of weeks, their balls will shrivel up and drop off. TM tells me that you often see calf balls strewn around a pasture where they've been grazing. Crazy!

I also gave a couple of them ear tags with numbers and stuck a very big needle under their skin to give them their vaccinations. They have very thick skin, by the way. It was a bizarre experience, unlike anything I've ever done. I was exhausted at the end of the day.

However...it wasn't over. The next morning, we all woke up at 6am to do a real cattle drive. All those cows we sorted and worked with the day before got moved to a pasture 4 miles away. We walked in "rattlesnake country"...luckily I didn't see any, passed by carcasses of elk and cows and deer, even walked in the highway! It took about an hour and a half to move about 200 cows. I tell you...cows are dumb! You have to really simplify your logic to get them to do what you want.

Once they were in the new pasture, TM and I spent the rest of the afternoon fixing barbed wire fences so the cows wouldn't get off the land. I've never slept so hard in my life. The 5K run, the hikes, the 11,000 feet cabin...nothing was as tiring on my body as the work I did with the cows.

News Flash!

I have been remiss in posting...I apologize. I do have crazy stories to tell, including one where I help castrate several male calves by pulling their balls down so that a rubber band can be placed on them like a tourniquet so they fall off. No joke.

However, I must inform all those that know TM that at approximately 11:30pm on this day, TM cut all his hair off. Again...no joke. He just got sick of it and so his mother put his hair in a 10-inch long braid and cut it off. Now his hair is right below his ears. We're donating the braid to Locks of Love.

None of us really know how to cut hair, so on our way to start our cross-country trip back to the East Coast, TM and I will stop at a barber's to help shape it.

Can you believe it?

UPDATE: TM went to a mall hair salon in Santa Fe, NM and he got a $20 haircut to shape up the girl bob that emerged after his mother cut his ponytail off. I was worried, but it turned out fantastic. He's always been handsome to me, but now he looks even more so. He looks the same as well. It's weird. It's him...only handsomer.

Hikes

Being right in the middle of the Rocky Mountains means that you a lot of hiking. I have already been on three hikes at least an hour long since I've been. Here is what you see during them:

Hike #1: A waterfall in Conejos Canyon.








































I actually didn't get any pictures during my second hike. It wasn't that high. But there was beautiful valley filled with light green plants.

Hike #3: At Mesa Verde.
































I think I'm all done with hikes for a while, which means I have to back to running. Ah well.

My First Cattle Drive

The Ranch is a cattle ranch. They raise cows naturally for healthier beef. TM's family has been doing it for generations...like since America was created out here.

So as part of my "initiation" into TM's family, I had to do some work on the farm. The mission of TM, his mom, and I was to move at least 100 cows and calves from a very huge field into a pen a half a mile away.

It started out great. The cows were really funny. They would stare at me all tough, but as soon as I walked toward them and said, "HAH!" they went running. I saw a calf one day old, with its umbilical cord still attached.

When the cows were moving, everything was all good. We all had to spread out to keep them moving in the right direction, so there were times when I was handling a whole side of the herd by myself...which was fine when they were moving. But there was one time when the herd wasn't being pushed. Then they started to get rowdy and I started to get nervous. I actually started freaking out and was screaming across the mooing cows for help. You have to scream because the sound of 100 mooing cows is VERY loud. It also didn't help that some of the bulls were trying to hump the ladies and would break out of the herd. This is normal, apparently, but no one told me that, so I kept yelling at them to stop and break it up. This didn't help my freaking-outness.

I am still a bit shaken up by the whole experience, but I don't think it would benefit me to share how scared I was. In fact, that I tried to break up some cow loving will probably become a funny tale to tell around the dinner table. You have to have a thick skin to live on a ranch, that's for sure.

We aren't done with our work with the cows, so I'll have another chance with them.

Sorting It Out

There has been so much I've seen during this vacation...and I have a week left! I'm still sorting through a plethora of emotions and thoughts about TM, family, race, friendship, education, cows, the non-East Coast part of America, dogs that live outside all the time, altitude adjustments, driving everywhere, Native American reservations...the list goes on.

However, based on a comment by tuckergurl, I realize I may not have been completely clear on my itinerary thus far. Probably because TM has been the cruise director for this entire trip. I just ask him should I bring a bathing suit and get in the car.

So, here's a blow-by-blow of the places I've been in the past seven days.

Day 1: Denver; Fort Collins, CO
Day 2: Fort Collins, CO; Taos, NM
Day 3: Taos; Albuquerque; Santa Fe; the ranch TM grew up on, aka The Ranch
Day 4: The Ranch; Manassa, CO (it was here that I ran the 5K); a cabin 11,000 feet in the Rocky Mountains
Day 5: The cabin; The Ranch; Alamosa, CO
Day 6: The Ranch; Albuquerque, NM; Durango, CO
Day 7 (today): Durango, CO; Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona at the same time*; Mesa Verde, CO; Pagosa Springs, CO; The Ranch.

*I was able to be in all those states at the same time because I went to Four Corners. It's the only place in America where you can do this.

As you can see, it's been a whirlwind of a trip. I am thrilled that we are spending the second half of this trip at The Ranch. Tomorrow night will be the first night that I get to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row. I am also thrilled that I've loved every second of it. I'm having a blast.

Now that I've sorted through the places I've been, perhaps I'll be better able to sort through the things I've seen. I'll keep you posted...or at the very least I'll post pictures.

5K at 7,000 Feet

I am so glad I'd been running more consistently in the weeks before this trip. I am even more grateful for the run I made myself do in Taos. Since I've been on the ranch that TM grew up on, I have been do a LOT of walking uphill at high altitudes.

The ultimate occurred yesterday morning when TM's sister and I ran a 5K race. It was part of an annual festival in the local town. Everyone knew I was a runner...because everyone in this family knows everything about me! But that's for another post. So when his sister asked, I thought why not? I wanted to put in another run and this would be a great way for me to bond with his sister.

So I ran a little over three miles yesterday morning at an altitude of about 7,000 feet. It was hard as hell! My 28-minute run felt like 58 minutes. But I accomplished something I never would have in New York...I placed! I came in fifth in my age bracket! The medal is now in my luggage. I'm wicked proud I finished the race with a pace faster than a 10-minute mile. I am also very wicked proud that I placed.

Of course, the country was beautiful and there were even more picturesque views of the Rockies.

The rest of the day was spent hiking and camping at an altitude of 11,000 feet. Good times!

Recipe for Loving This Country

I've discovered the secret for loving America without bitterness or cynicism. The key is to see it. I know, I know...duh! I always considered myself a well-traveled person, but I recently discovered that I had barely seen the country I was born in. Two days in a different time zone has made me appreciate the diversity of landscape that is this country.

I am currently in Taos, NM. But I have also been in Denver and Ft. Collins, CO in the last two days. I am on vacation with TM where we'll be spending a couple of weeks with his friends and family. I have to say, I was/am a bit nervous about meeting his clan...because he has a very big family...but so far, we are having a marvelous time. Lots of laughing, good food and great views. The Rocky Mountains are astounding and it is very loopy to be dealing with a two-hour time difference while adjusting to being higher than a mile above sea level. My 20-minute-run yesterday felt like I ran for an hour.

I will try to post some pictures when I can; this is going to be whirlwind trip. Did I also mention that we're driving back to the East Coast? I'll keep you posted.

The Toast I Should Have Given

You have overcome so much. Yet you continue to improve yourself, to want to learn about yourself, to be better at everything you do. In your journey of learning, you end up teaching everyone around you. That is why so many people want to know you...that is why I am thrilled that I do.

Every time you say "my friend" and refer to me...it is one of the proudest moments of my life. Thank you for loving me for all these years.

Saying Goodbye

So...I've begun the process of saying goodbye.

I have one week left as a New Yorker. Next week, TM and I head to Colorado for a vacation and then we're driving back to the East Coast and via a roundabout cross-country trip. Though we'll be back in Brooklyn to load up the truck, I doubt we'll even spend the night. That's why I consider these to be my last days in the city.

I know I'm not going to live in this city again. If TM and I stay together, we'll go West after I graduate. If we don't, I'll go where my career takes me...just not here. I wasn't kidding when I said I'm done with New York. I mean, I'll visit and all that...but that's about it.

TM and I had a really fun going away party a couple of weeks ago. It was there that I was able to have private moments with some wonderful people and say farewell. I also haven't had those opportunities through the actions of others. I've thought about it and, to me, those missed chances are the same as goodbye, just in a different way. Clearly, if connection can't be made at this point, then it's not going to happen in the midst of a doctorate program hundreds of miles away.

Perhaps I'm being dramatic...as I have been wont to do...but I've realized there are certain people in my life I don't expect to ever see again. This saddens and angers me a little bit. But I am reflecting on how I contributed to this expectation and choosing to focus on all the friends that have braved long film shoots, sinus infections, and last minutes changes in venue to show their love. It is Quite Appreciated.

Public Opinion Survey

Below are two versions of the same dance by Gwen Verdon, a famous Broadway star, performed on "The Ed Sullivan Show." This dance was choreographed by Bob Fosse, one of the most famous choreographers ever. One of these videos is one of the most HILARIOUS things I have ever seen. But I want to withhold my opinion until you see both and comment.

Which one do you prefer?

Gwen Verdon #1

Gwen Verdon #2

Michael Moore's Best Film

TM and I saw Sicko today. I was expecting to leave the theater upset, angry and hopeless. Instead, I was moved beyond words. After the movie was over, TM and I just hugged each other and cried.

I'm still processing what about the film was so moving. For one thing, it was a well-constructed story with a beginning, middle, and end. Moore interspersed his facts and figures with really compelling human stories. They were real people with average lives. They didn't have some crazy diseases; people with health insurance went bankrupt from having heart attacks and diabetes.

As usual, Moore made the complex world of American politics and business highly accessible and extremely eye-opening.

But I think the best parts of the movie surround Moore himself. Unlike his previous films, he didn't insert himself as much into this one. Don't worry, he's still up to his usual shenanigans...his arrival at Gitmo was hilarious. But for the most part, he just let the people tell their stories. It was those stories that made me laugh and cry, sometimes simultaneously.

Moore also really loves America. I know there's been a lot of hoopla about him going to Cuba...those scenes, by the way, were wonderful...but he really does believe that America can be so much better than it is. During the part where he highlights the LA hospitals dropping off homeless patients on Skid Row, he asks the audience "Who are we?" And there is so much pain in his voice. I guess I always thought that he was just an angry guy who had at his disposal the means to shame America. But I learned that he loves his country.

I'm not nearly as articulate about this movie as I mean to be. But everyone should see this movie. Everyone should see this movie like they saw An Inconvenient Truth. You should see this movie, because Moore shouldn't be criticized for doing what every single filmmaker does: tells a story with a specific point of view. His point of view is pretty damn riveting.

I'm Not Quite Sure What It Means...

...but apparently I'm younger in NYC. Sucks that I'm leaving. I got this from tuckergurl, who will always be NYC-ageless.

My New York Age is 29

This New York age puts you into a middle category between young and old (but not "middle age" per se). Be proud. You've got a nice balance between going out hard-core and staying in. You care about culture but also like some quiet nights. Keep it up, but think about expanding your horizons in the other directions. Head to Studio B or Anthology Film Archives for the first time, or finally check out the Village Vanguard or Elaine's for a dose of old-school NYC.

What's your New York age? Take the Time Out New York quiz and find out!

A Random Thought, but Still a Good Question

As I hear about yet another wedding involving someone I know, I had a thought today: Do women take into account the timing of their period when picking a wedding date? Goodness knows, I would. I wouldn't want to be bloated or high on PMS or worried about leakage on my wedding day.

That's all.

In Today's News...

Two articles I found this morning on the Times website piqued my interest:

1. Antioch College is shutting its doors after 155 years. Founded by Horace Mann himself, that college has a fantastically progressive history: coeducating, desegregating, and hiring women in faculty positions well before the rest of the country. Sadly, I learned all of this this morning. The first and only thing I knew of Antioch was its sexual prevention policy that went into effect in 1993. That asinine policy stated that a person had to ask permission at every step of getting it on...every step. I was a sophomore at Wesleyan when I heard about this; I remembered feeling shame...the kind of shame you feel toward your uncouth cousins. As a proud student of "PCU," I felt that Antioch's new rules took political correctness to a tacky extreme. Who knew that it was the real "Diversity University?"
   
   
2. America is so stupid sometimes! Fox and CBS aren't going to run condoms ads perhaps because they promote pregnancy prevention, not disease prevention. They are afraid of the controversy around birth control, but they don't even have to balls to admit it. This article made me so angry for the networks' logic...or lack thereof. This is the best quote: “'We always find it funny that you can use sex to sell jewelry and cars, but you can’t use sex to sell condoms,” said Carol Carrozza, vice president of marketing for Ansell Healthcare, which makes LifeStyles condoms."

I'm sure there is a lot more in the news today, but now I have to get to work.

I Miss The New Yorker

I didn't renew my subscription because I figured that once I started classes, I wouldn't have time. It comes every week, for goodness' sake!!! But I miss it so much now. On Fire Island, there was a month-old issue in the house and I devoured it, I was so thirsty. I miss having something interesting to read on the subway.

Now TM is reading some of my old issues, so maybe I'll get him a subscription for his birthday or Christmas or our anniversary or something...wink, wink! The only problem: all those events happen around the same time of the year and that time of year isn't soon.

Sigh.

I'm Scared

It just hit me last night as I was falling asleep after a fantastic day on Fire Island...I'm scared.

I don't not want to move to Boston. I definitely want to attend Harvard. But I'm uprooting my life. As an adult, I have never lived in a city as long as I've lived in NYC. I'm very scared.

On top of all that, I'm starting a whole new life with TM. This will be our first apartment...a first step in what I hope will be the rest of our lives.

And there's so much I don't know...what if I can't hack it at Harvard? Will my NYC friendships sustain if we're in different cities? What if TM hates it there? What if I hate it there?

I have been burying myself in the details of finding boxes and showing my apartment and tying up loose ends at work so that I don't have to think about how scared I am. And I know I'm acting crazy right now because I'm so scared. So now I'm scared about alienating loved ones right when connection is most important.

At least I know my fear won't stop me from doing any of this.

Thanks for letting me say all that.

It's a C-O-N-spiracy!

Okay, I swallowed it when I found out construction on the New Target...the Target I was so excited about...was going be completed this fall...after I move to Massachusetts.

But this is the last staw...as I watched TV tonight, I heard the rumblings of a large truck on my street. Since my street is totally residential, I peeked out to see what was causing all the racket. It was a Fresh Direct truck! Ever since I moved here, I have petitioned Fresh Direct online to get them to come here. I had just about given up. And NOW, 5 weeks before I leave this place, Fresh Direct delivers!

It's a conspiracy created by the Man to drive me crazy!

P.S. I would love to link to websites and italize the way I normally do, but I'm using a Mac now and for some reason, it doesn't have the same toolbar on top of this window. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

The Crush Grows...

My crush on Barack Obama was never a crippling one...the way I lust for Channing Tatum, for instance. However, I do heart Barack a great deal. This Times article just made the crush grow. Now, I don't want to hear him give a speech...I want to sit on the benches of a street court and watch Barack play pick-up basketball.

Of course, if I get an opportunity to hear him give a speech, I won't pass it up.

In other news, it has been reported that Michael Patrick King is writing the script for the "Sex in the City" movie. It's about time! is what I say. I hope he doesn't pick up where the show left off because it's been a good three years since that show ended. I don't want to see the ladies plastered in make-up to make them look younger. I would like to see the 4-year-old Brady and the toddler that Charlotte and Harry adopted. Of course, Mario Cantone is the source of this information and even he admits none of the stars has officially signed on to be in it. So don't hold your breath.

I recently went on a rant about the horrors of run-on sentences in a particular book...which I can't name because I didn't like it. Ever since then, I've discovered I talk in run-ons all the time. And since this blog is usually conversational, I find that I write in run-on sentences here. So now I'm hyper-conscious about inserting appropriate periods. I understand that, although they flow when heard, they often do not flow when read.

What else? I'm going to MA this weekend and hopefully will come back with an apartment in a highly-gentrified area. Call me bougie, but I am so tired of only having West Indian, take-out Chinese, and pizza as my restaurant options in my neighborhood. I just want to live near a grocery store where I can get mesclun greens and asparagus consistently.

I've been thinking about taking a hiatus from this blog. I want to try my hand at more creative writing...not for publication or anything...just to keep myself arty. The energy that I use for this blog may be diverting that goal. No final decisions yet...just thinking about it. Of course, a full course load at Harvard may end this blog with the quickness!

Oh! A big shout-out to my sent-from-the-heavens boyfriend and my kick-ass friends for putting up with me. I spent last weekend with a woman who is very similar to me in certain respects...it wasn't easy!

Oh The Things I've Seen!

In Union Square: A rotund, bald white man, about 6' 3", wearing dress pants, shirt and a tie making out with a petite, stick thin Latina girl (she looked 16) with hair down to her butt wearing short shorts and Chucks.

On East 23rd St., Brooklyn: a brother and sister, both younger than 6 or 7, completely riveted by a rainbow created by the sunbeams through the sprinkler on their front lawn.

On the Uptown 2 train: a middle-aged black man with a outdated haircut and beige suit trying to discreetly soothe a huge hard-on while reading the sports pages of the Times.

On the corner of Ave. I and Bedford, Brooklyn: a woman getting out of her car blaming the biker for the accident that just knocked him off his bike.

In my house: a man who looks like a younger version of TM....actually, it's TM older brother. He and his wife are visiting for Memorial Day weekend.

Actually, I heard this one: On the phone: a spacious, one-bedroom apartment in a safe neighborhood very close to Duke University for $450 a month! This is where my sister will be living next month. I've lived in the Northeast too long.

Another I Wish...

The WNYC Spring Pledge Drive ended last week. As usual, it was a pain in the ass. Yes, I said it! I can't stand the pledge drive...the same people say the same catch phrases and use the same techniques to guilt, cajole, bribe, and flatter you to give them money.

I gave them $100 back in October. I did it because 1) it's a TEENY price to pay for the insane amount of time I listen to that station and 2) I wanted the cool messenger bag. I realized this time around that my attitude toward the drive was more hostile because I had already given them money. Don't get me wrong...it's always a pain in the ass, but usually I feel guilty about thinking it's so. This time, I was just annoyed.

So I wish that they could do something where if you give the station money, you can register your radios so that you can avoid the rest of the pledge drive. All those 90% of public radio listeners who use it but don't pay for it will have to suffer through the pledge drive, but the 10% who do contribute get to avoid the pleas altogether. If they could perfect that technology, I bet you a BUNCH more people would pledge. Because I KNOW lots of people think the drives are a pain in the ass...not just me.

The Good Ole U S of A...

...is a place I have barely seen! I knew My States Visited would be bleak, but dayum!...as Quel says.

Well, this summer TM and I are driving cross-country from Colorado to New York. I told him that we have to stop and visit someplace interesting in every state we drive through, so I can say I visited the state. He's done this before and thinks it's boring, but I don't care...we're doing it anyway. Then I'll redo this map and it will be redder than ever! Mwah ha ha ha ha!


create your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.

Did I mention that I have bronchitis and that I was prescribed liquid Vicodin to subdue my cough to heal my throat? Did I also mention that I took my cough syrup before writing this post? That might explain some of the loopiness.

I'm Here...Just Overwhelmed

I got back from Jamaica on Monday night. It was a great time. I thought I would have to do "wedding work" for the entire time, but except for the first day and the wedding day, I vacationed along with everyone else. I got a great tan, ate some good seafood, hung out by the pool, laid on the beach, laughed a lot, partied even more. TM got burnt, but that was his own fault...thinking he could handle the Caribbean sun when he clearly couldn't. I think it was an excuse for me to rub his back with aloe oil twice a day.

Anyway, as soon as I got back to the city, LIFE hit me with full force. I have two months people! Two months and nothing is done...at least I feel like nothing is done. In addition, the idea of having Ella stay with her grandparents for the summer isn't going to work out, so I have to go pick her up early.

I just have to remind myself of the following:

1. Work becomes a great deal less stressful after next week.

2. I'm not alone. I have a true partner in TM.

3. I'm doing all of this to go to Harvard...some perspective, L. Britt!

It's Time for Some Competition

So I'm on a major money-making kick. Trying to raise some extra funds before I don't have any time to do so. I've had some items that I've wanted to put on eBay for a long time...so I decided to post them now. The last time I used eBay was 2004.

It's gotten SO much more complicated. It's takes like an HOUR to put one item up on the site. So many steps and questions! I've put one item up and I was so tired and burnt out, I didn't have the energy to put up the rest. I'm on a cycle where I'll put one item up every couple of days...that's all I have the patience for.

I'm thinking it's time for a competitive site to launch. One that does what eBay does...just a lot easier.

Missing Limb

You know that phenomenon that new amputees speak of...the one where after an arm or leg is first cut off they still feel that limb....they can feel it itch and stuff.

I've been experiencing that all day today. You see, Ella left with my family this morning. Like I told you I would, I cried. I called TM at his family's house and rediscovered that he is not the person you invite when you want to have a pity party. Then I called Angela and got some perspective.

So now I'm feeling better, but I'm experiencing that missing limb thing. I made myself some food and kept expecting Ella to sit by me, begging for scraps with her eyes. When I took a nap to recover from my migraine, I move my legs expecting to bump into her body at the foot of my bed. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to leave the house to walk her for the rest of the night. It's so quiet that everytime I go in the kitchen, I look for Ella asleep in her corner. Her presence has become such a part of my presence. I'm having a hard time remembering what it was like to be in my house without her.

I'm blue.

More Death and Other News

So TM's grandmother died in the middle of last night; it was expected, but it's still sad. He's seems fine, but when he's anything other than totally upbeat, he folds into himself. I can tell he's trying not to cut me out completely, but I can also tell it's a struggle. I'm learning to simply let him know that I'm here for him and let him be.

I've been struggling with a slight drowning feeling this week. National traumas and those that have affected people close to me have left a mark on me as well. It's strange because I don't think I reacted this strongly when my own aunt died. Maybe I am reacting this strongly to my aunt's death. Maybe this is how I'm able to deal...pour my condolences onto others.

I have to say this is the first time that I have felt this blue and not completely freaked out that I am becoming depressed again. I think I've gotten a LOT better at reading my emotions. I also think of Angela's advice: basically, she doesn't critique her emotions when she gets down...she just listens. And does what she wants/needs to make herself feel better. I think that's what I've been doing this week.

In other news, Ella is going for an extended vacation this weekend. My parents are coming for a visit and they are taking Ella with them so I don't have to put her in a kennel while I'm in Jamaica. It's not quite real to me yet. When it does become real, I will cry. Goodness gracious, I love that dog!

The wedding is almost here! I'm so excited! I can't wait for this whole thing to be over. I've learned through this process that being a maid of honor is a BIG deal. You not only need to be a very good party planner, but also a therapist, a personal assistant, a dry shoulder, a jester, possess nerves of steel and a lot of disposable income. Because a bride is a creature all her own. I was lucky that this wedding would never be on "Bridezillas," but she definitely had her moments. I'm not going to say something stupid like, "I'll never be like that!" But I think it should be a prerequisite for all brides to be a bridesmaid at someone's wedding...an internship of sorts.

I am officially running out of weekends. TM and I leave for Massachusetts in less than three months. There are certain friends who have invoked the NYC motto: "Let's get together." The problem is, I need to plan those get togethers. Because I don't have a lot of time and we have a lot to do. I keep trying to tell these certain friends this, but it's hard for them to get out the NYC mindset of complete-avoidance-of-definitive-plans- in-case-something-better-comes-along. Ah well, I plan on throwing a going away party in the summer...I guess I'll see them there.