Second Extension

I just wrote to the second of my professors asking for an extension on a final paper. I am so, so, so mad at myself about that, but as EVERYONE in my life has told me, I am very hard on myself, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack. The thing is I'm very bad at being kind to myself. I feel like I'm just copping out. I'm just going to try to be proud of the fact that I asked for help.

Here We Go Again

I think I know the moment it really started: I was walking home from dropping tuckergurl off at the subway Saturday morning. This incredible sadness swept over me. I went back to bed and woke up in the afternoon.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend on the couch. I tried to do work, to absolutely no avail. I was too tired to eat, too tired to cry, although the sadness had seeped into my bones. But Sunday night, I knew I needed help.

Today I called Harvard's mental health services and had an emergency appointment. The woman who saw me seemed completely overwhelmed by me...not the way to make one feel better, I must say...but she did remind me to start taking life in much smaller chunks. And she helped me admit I'm in the throes of another depressive episode.

So here we go again. I'm too "in it" to try and figure out what caused it, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. For the first time, I'm considering going on medication because I feel like I need some emotional consistency...more than I can get on my own.

Well, my day is done. Time to eat something...though I am not hungry at all!...and get some sleep.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

I May Be a Drama Queen, but...

...I really don't care. I got dumped last night by a guy that I thought was cool and interesting and challenging...in a good way. We weren't really in a relationship, so I don't know if "dumped" is the right word.

Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it. 

I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.

I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.

As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that. 

I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.

My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.

Family

Quick update: I'm not annoyed with the boy anymore. He has responded to all attempts at communication. We have plans to see each other tomorrow. All is well.

I am, on the other hand, very vexed by my emotions this week with regard to my mother. I've been annoyed and angry at, disappointed in, upset by her...you name it. I need to understand why I was so pissed at her this week. I had a good time regardless, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I may not be able to spend an extended amount of time with her.

I'm Annoyed with a Boy

I've been on several dates with a guy. Things are going well...slow and well. We started up right before Thanksgiving and we've seen each other on the regular ever since. 

I'm away for the Christmas week...Hilton Head, South Carolina to be exact. My family and I walked along the beach today. I wore sandals. It's freakin' awesome! 

The guy and I saw each other right before I left. It was a very nice time. He said that he looked forward to talking to me while I was away. He actually asked that I contact him while I was away. That made me happy.

So I did. I left him a message yesterday asking him to call me back...nothing. I called him tonight to wish him a Merry Christmas...again nothing.

I'm done calling. And I'm annoyed.

I'm very annoyed.

I Need to Make Some Changes

Ever since I've started school, I haven't been thinking about budgeting or finances. My excuse...not reason...is that I am a student who doesn't have a consistent source of income. So there is no way I can budget, but that isn't true at all. Though my income isn't exactly the same from week to week, there are some sources that stay pretty consistent from month to month. I was making some headway on changing my bad financial karma when I was working, and I don't want to stop.

So now that classes are winding down, I'm going to spend some quality time assessing my revenue streams, getting a handle on my expenses, and start tracking where my money goes. I've already been saving on the regular, but I need to go one step further.

Wish me luck!

George Bush's Theme Song

I love Coldplay's song: "Viva La Vida." There's something about the rhythmic string section that gets me moving everytime. Plus I like Chris Martin's voice...you go, Gwenyth!

Anywhoo, the song came on the radio just now and I decided that I wanted to know the actual words of the song...I'm bad at deciphering lyrics. As I read along with the song, it occurred to me that this song speaks so much to Dubya. Of course, this insight has a lot to do with seeing Oliver Stone's "W." But I still think the analysis works.

Check out these lyrics:

"One minute I held the key

The next the walls were closed on me

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand"

Or these: 

"For some reason I can't explain,

I know St. Peter won't call my name.

Never an honest word

But that was when I ruled the world"

Maybe because I'm in the crunch time for school and my brain is a little fried, but I really think these lyrics are deep in their applicability to George Bush. See what you think.

My Damn Heart!

As I've mentioned before...there is stuff going on with my heart. Nothing too dramatic, but I'm in the process of figuring stuff out. 

Tonight isn't helping...

Because I cannot process my emotions right now. I am elated, scared, relieved, hopeful, shocked, lonely, happy, cynical...did I mention scared?

All the while my heart is beating...hard.

Will you remember where you were when the first Black man was elected President of the United States? I will. I was at a bar in Harvard Square, hugging strangers, calling family and friends, and using my iPhone to confirm what CNN was saying. I was standing silent with scores of people as we listened to McCain try to reduce this victory to one only for African-Americans.  I was standing with that same group of people as President-Elect Obama inspired us once again.

All the while, I was ever conscious of my heart beating very strong. Which is a good and bad thing for me right now.

When I told my sister that something was up with my heart, she sent me a very cheesy email saying that it's because my heart has so much love in it that the love overwhelmed it. I poo-pooed her at the time, but now that's sort of how I feel. There is so much emotion going through my head and my heart right now, it feels like my heart can't take it all.

Do you understand?!?! Every time anyone in the world talks about the President of the United States, there will be an image of a Black person. Every. Single. Time.

Did anyone pick up on the seed he planted for his re-election in his acceptance speech? That was funny and crazy, but in a "crazy-like-a-fox" way.

As you can tell from this post, I'm still processing a lot of information. Sufficed to say,  I can't believe this is happening!

A Great Political Website

This website is a great artistic representation of the last two very political years.

I can't talk about tomorrow; I can barely think about it. I'm so anxious, if I ponder on it for too long, I will freak out. Either way, the decision is going to affect me on such a fundamental level. I'm going to be crying tomorrow night...hard. 

On top of all that, tomorrow morning, I have an appointment with my cardiologist to look at my patent foramen ovale. I recently discovered that I have a slight hole in my heart and it might be the cause of a bunch of stuff I've suffered from for years: my migraines, my syncope, my low blood pressure. Tomorrow I get a more thorough examination and it's decided whether or not I need to have a "procedure."

So on top of the future of this country being decided in a real way, I have to get my heart looked over. What a crazy day it will be!

God...I love radio!

This story by Sarah Jones is amazing! And all the more powerful because it enters our brain through the ears.

I Need New Glasses

I'm much better at getting out of bad situations with men faster. When I see red flags, I am bringing them out into the open much sooner. And I've gained the strength to walk away when those flags keep waving. I am amazingly proud of myself for that.

But that is no longer enough. Now I want to stop being drawn to men with red flags in the first place. I just want a man who has the time and the energy to really get to know me, to figure out if he wants to be with me. I honestly don't think I'm asking for too much, and yet...

I'll run by my therapist tomorrow.

What a Difference a Year Makes

As you may have noticed from my blatant absence from this blog, school has started up again. The library is filled with people and my days are filled with classes, meetings, and other such goings-on.

Per usual, I am busy and a bit tired, but other than that this year is so drastically different than last year.

First off, I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was last year. I honestly don't know what happened to the last 4 pounds...I haven't been very diligent keeping track of my points, but I still eat like I am (e.g., eating half a sandwich, ordering a side salad instead of fries, getting the cinnamon raisin bagel instead of the plain). And I continue to run as often as I can. I'm telling you that keeps me sane like nothing else.

Secondly, I'm at peace with my level of intelligence. I am a smart cookie and I'm firmer in knowing that than I was last year, even as I learn things everyday that blow my mind and make me question it all.

Thirdly, I'm taking an advanced quantitative methods course when this time last year the thought of stats made me cry. I'm going to be a teaching assistant for a stats course in the spring, for goodness' sake!

Fourthly, I am officially all right regarding the break-up with TM. With the support and straight-up bullying of friends to make the right decisions...for which I am eternally grateful...along with my own new found maturity, I have healed from that loss. I am so proud of myself for that.

Fifthly, I have found true friends here. Granted, they have issues up the wazoo, but so do I, and we're all crazy at Harvard together.

Sixthly, I'm spending a lot more time with Ella and that's nothing but goodness.

All in all, I like my life. It's far from perfect and even farther than where I want it to be, but it's doing just fine.

My New Bed

So I got a new bed this week...not really, though. It's actually a memory foam mattress topper for the bed I already have, but it's really like having a new bed.

The fact that I got this "new" bed is really TM's fault. When we lived together, he bought a 4-inch memory foam and it transformed our sleeping experience. It was the most comfortable thing ever! But when we broke up, he took it with him. I thought I could live without it, but I soon discovered that I couldn't. So I ordered a 2-inch one that came with two pillows. It's not as amazing as the 4-inch one, but it's still pretty damn cool. I do believe that I'm sleeping better than I did before.

I believe the world would be a better place if more people had memory foam mattress toppers.

I Miss NYC Today

I don't really miss living in NYC. I don't like Boston very much at all, but I am glad I left New York. It was making me too hard and cynical and impatient.

Except for today. Because no one in the city I live in now gets it. When I tell people in Boston I was living in New York on 9/11, I get the appropriate wide-eyed glances and "wows," but no one really gets it. In fact, hardly anyone has brought it up today at all.

No one who was living in Boston knows how New York smelled that day and for days after; how the smoke and dust seemed to cover the entire city; how everyone walked around in shock for weeks; how it felt to watch those barges haul the mountains of debris up the Hudson; how it felt to scan the photos in the paper and in the news for potential friends, family, classmates. No one in Boston truly understands how scared we all were. New York...for a New York minute...became a scary place to live.

Today I wish I was living in New York. Because I'm sure life went on there as well, but at least I would feel like I was surrounded by people who truly understood.

Single and Fabulous?

Remember that "Sex and the City" episode?

I have to get something out of my head and heart before it eats away at me. I am a single woman; that is my reality. I wish I wasn't, however I know I am moving on and I am proud of myself for it.

Except...when I get a Facebook message from a very old friend who assumes that someone in a photo is my husband. And then I read the Weddings/Celebrations section of the New York Times. Why shouldn't my friend make that assumption? Everyone else we know from our circle of friends is married by now; I am in my mid-30s now...it's fair.

After that happens, I stop feeling proud. Instead, a surge of loneliness and failure that is so intense it stings my eyes comes over me. There is nothing for me to do in those moments except feel the feeling without judgment and with the knowledge that this, too, shall pass.

Eerie

Okay, I know that Sarah Palin's youngest, Trig, has special needs and all...why don't people just say he has Down's Syndrome?, but am I the only one that thinks it's strange that her son hasn't even stirred? That kid was passed from Cindy McCain to Todd Palin to Piper without a peep. Piper is spit-shining Trig's hair, curling his eyelashes, messing with her brother like he's a ragdoll. And isn't it funny that no one passed Trig to Bristol? Let's not give Americans that image, eh?

It's eerie, I tell you.

Maybe They Just Don't WANT to Know

I was listening to a news talk show this morning while getting dressed and the host was talking about how many Americans still hold so many misconceptions about Barack Obama...can I tell you how excited I am to see his speech tonight?...despite all the campaign appearances and news coverage that he's received over the last two years. They include such ignorant falsehoods as he wasn't born in America...he couldn't be President if he wasn't, you IDIOTS!...that he's a Muslim, blah, blah, blah. She even had the gall to say the fact that she, as a member of the media, was repeating these false perceptions help fortify them...then don't repeat them! She went on to ask the guest what does Obama "have to do" to show people "who he really is."

At that point, I realized something. There are a bunch of people who just don't want to get to know him. Either because they are still boo-hooing over Hilary...don't get me started on them. I swear, if McCain wins, I'm not blaming Nader, I'm blaming those weepy losers who couldn't see past their own boobs to vote for the person who has the most in common with Hilary (except for race, of course. Ay, there's the rub)...or because they are Republican, or because...drum roll, please...Obama just doesn't look like them so therefore he must not have anything in common with them. These are the people who will die thinking the Democrats were able to find a loophole in the Constitution and nominate a Muslim from Kenya.

The answer to the host's question is: there is nothing he can do because there are people who simply don't want to get to know a Black man. God forbid their tightly-held, yet incredibly fragile assumptions about other races get shot to pieces. Whom, oh whom, will they blame their problems on? Themselves?...don't be silly!

One of The Most Important Plays Ever Written

The Women is being remade. I saw the first commercial for it tonight. It took me a minute to recognize it, but it is indeed a remake of the 1936 play, which was first turned into a movie in 1939. The playwright was Clare Booth Luce, a fascinating woman. She was a New York society woman who also happened to be a successful writer and serve in Congress. You should read Rage for Fame.

Why is this play important? Because, when done correctly...don't see "The Opposite Sex", its cast is made up entirely of women. Sure, the majority of the plot revolves around men, but you never see or hear one man in the entire play/movie. For any Broadway show or Hollywood flick, that is incredible. And now, just as in 1939, the movie stars some top notch talent...except Eva Mendes. How the hell did she get this part? For this most recent iteration, every actor that gets billing in this movie is a woman. That's so cool to me.

This is not the most PC movie in the world, and I'm sure Diane English...the creator of "Murphy Brown"...will modernize it a lot, but when done correctly, it is witty and smart. I can't wait to see it.

I Have Nothing to Say...Except This

It's been a while since I've been here; it's because I really don't have anything to say. I mean, I always have a lot to say, but for some reason I don't feel any of it is important enough to log in, go to a new post screen, type it out, re-read and edit it, apply the appropriate labels, and publish it. I haven't been lazy this summer...in fact I've been the complete opposite of lazy...but for some reason, I can't get my act together to post on this blog.

I guess I can tell you that I move into my new apartment this weekend. I've been a house guest/sitter for my friend this summer. It's been great to live rent free for two and a half months, but I'm really looking forward to having my own space...with a roommate.

I have been thinking a lot about moving and its significance. Four years ago, a move was just a move. It meant rent got too expensive, or I was living in a different city. It actually wasn't a big deal. I learned how to start early, clean out clutter, pack everything up without having to buy boxes.

But then I moved into Ex's place. And I moved out of Ex's place and into my own owned apartment. Then TM moved in with me and we moved to Boston together. Moves started to mean something. They meant the creation or destruction of a home, sometimes both simultaneously.

Now moving is back to just moving again. It's a logistical necessity, nothing more.

That is a bit sad. Eh...what are you going to do?