Official Reminder

Okay guys... if you are at all a little bit curious at what my living room, a piece of my kitchen, and my bathroom looks like, check out "Law & Order" this Friday night on NBC.

I'm a little bit excited because this episode has a Viewer Advisory warning on it...I'm getting chills!

To All the Haters

I am a big fan of the Harry Potter novels and films. They aren't high art or anything, but they are fun, and after six books and five movies, I feel like I know the characters really well.

For a while, I have made discreet comments declaring how hot Daniel Radcliffe is becoming. Yes, I know he isn't even legal, but that doesn't make him any less hot. I would never do anything with my lust, but I thought his blossoming hotness was important to note. Anytime I said anything, I was met with scorn and disapproval. Shame on you! said the judgemental eyes of those around me...he's just a child!

Well, to all those who doubted me...feast your eyes on this! Not only is Daniel starring in a most adult play, he is looking quite...dare I say...hot doing so!

I will start accepting apologies on this post. Thank you.

Buddhism and Me

So I've got a new reader to this blog. Someone I care very deeply about and who also happens to be a Nichiren Buddhist. Of course she may not be the only Nichiren Buddhist who reads this blog, but she's the only one of whom I'm aware and about whom I care, so I feel an explanation is in order.

I have bashed Nichiren Buddhism a few times. However, I've never really explained why. Basically, it stems from my own bad feelings about the practice and what I've learned about Buddhism from scholars, monks and practitioners of other sects never vibed with what I learned growing up. I have come to believe the reason this Buddhist sect is one of the largest ones in the Western world is because it has wrapped up Judeo-Christian ideologies in a Buddhist package so that Westerners can easily and quickly embrace it. But in doing so, some of the main tenets of Buddhism have been lost.

After I left Nichiren Buddhism, I knew that I wasn't going to become a Baptist or anything, and I knew that I need some way to organize the world and my place in it, so I did a lot of reading about other sects and other practices. All of them described Buddhism as the opposite as what I had been taught.

• Nichiren Buddhism has no relationship with priests or monks or scholars of the tradition. In fact, there was a very bitter split with the priests of that sect when I was young. The entire organization is a lay one. The "leader" of the religion is called a president.
  

• Nichiren Buddhism tells you to embrace your ego and its desires, not push them aside. That goes against at least two of the Four Noble Truths that all Buddhisms are based on.
  

• I didn't learn about the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path...any of that...through Nichiren Buddhism. I first heard about them in an Intro to Buddhism class my senior year of college. I grew up studying the writings of Nichiren Daishonin and what our President had to say about them. There was very little study of the Lotus Sutra, which is the sutra the sect was based on. Though I appreciated the emphasis on source material, I never got a sense of how we connected to the ancient tradition of Buddhism as a whole. It seemed like it was trying to stay modern.
  

• I truly think the 80s were traumatizing for me. I dreaded the months of February and August. They were the proselytization campaigns for the organization. They were similar to the on-air fund drives for public radio, but way more intense. 24-hour tozos (chanting marathons); huge competitions over which neighborhood could convert the most people; ceremonies on the hour where people could receive their Gohonzons. No one ever talked about how many of those people were still chanting after a year, after six months even. We were made to believe that our own happiness and worthiness as "good" Buddhists was based on how many people we converted. I was 10 years old and pressured to bring my friend to meetings. I still believe the best and only way to show someone a new way to look at the world is to let them come to you. Religion is too personal a discussion to have on a street corner.
  

• As I grew older I observed that those with whom I practiced seemed to look at the religion with a Judeo-Christian mindset: If I chant (pray) long (hard) enough, good things will happen. And conversely: Because bad things happened to me, I didn't chant (pray) enough. This just seemed so strange to me because from all that I had read and learned, that was not the way Buddhists were meant to look at the world at all. Nichiren Buddhism did espouse cause and effect and the mirroring of the internal in the external...but it just seemed off.

So I finally left. Even through all the heartache I've been through, I never seriously considered going back. When I did contemplate it, it was always around magical thinking: If I chant now, I will feel better, the train will come, I will get the job. Buddhism teaches that life continues whether the train comes or not. The only way to truly be happy is to be free from attachment to those outcomes.

I'm not saying I'm a "real" Buddhist now...I'm nowhere near it. I'm crazy attached to things, to people. There are times when my ego is controlling everything I do. However, this path feels so much better than the one I grew up with. I know I will have come far in my own practice when I can let go of the anger I feel toward Nichiren Buddhism.

How do I reconcile this venom toward the religion with the love I feel for its practitioners? I don't know...I just do. The religion didn't work for me, but the people I love feel that it works for them. So I accept that. I will not accept them trying to bring me back, however...which they do sometimes. Religion is such a personal thing after all.

I Have a Cold

I've been sick all weekend, though on Saturday I denied it long enough to explore a cool area of Brooklyn with Angela. I love this area because it's walking distance from my house...albeit a 20-30 minute walk. But the walk is a very pretty one, so it doesn't feel as long. I'm not going to tell you the name of it because you can tell gentrification is already happening, Angela and I may want to move there, and we want to be able to afford it.

Case in point: Angela and I were sitting in a coffee shop and a bunch of parents and young children enter. The parents were mostly white...one Asian mom, one black dad. However, the kids were a Benetton ad. Two different configurations of biracial children, a black son of white parents, an Asian child of white parents. I'm telling you, it was an after school special! It was wonderful to see all the different colors of children playing, but it was also cliche the way Brooklyn can be sometimes. The neighborhood is definitely cool though.

Now I'm laying in my bed, listening to Ella snore. She always snores when she's dreaming.

The Mormon is going to come by after work and take care of me. Three cheers for The Mormon! Oh yeah...I think I'm going to have to change his name on this blog. I've been talking to friends of mine that actually know Mormons and have described them as crazy...something about special underwear and ceremonies that only certain Mormons can attend. I've never met a Mormon, so for me the name is just ironic. But friends and family have said they have a hard time with the nickname. I'll come up with something new...when I'm feeling better.

How's everybody doing on their resolutions? Me...not so good. I'm still keeping track of my expenses, though I'm way over budget this month. I still brush my teeth and wash my face at night and in the morning. I am getting to work consistently, except when I was revving up for my anxiety attack and didn't know it. The meditation and the running though...not so much. I'm too sick to eat anything, so I'm hoping that I will lose some weight which will inspire me to keep it off once I feel better. I have no excuse for the meditation. No excuse at all. Discipline takes practice. I just have to keep practicing.

The Question Behind The Question

My jury is still out on whether I think Sen. Obama should run. I'm excited and nervous about it simultaneously. I do know that if he does decide to run, I will be right next to Tuckergurl helping with the campaign.

One thing that does frustrate me to no end is that infernal question that buzzes around him like an annoying wasp: Is he BLACK enough? You won't hear this question talked about openly because it's a private matter...to be discussed only by black people. Non-blacks are simply not allowed to question his blackness. There are certain black folks, however, who feel that it is a completely valid question.

I think the question is incredibly stupid. As a woman who grew up having to answer the equally stupid question: Why are you trying to act white? just because I aimed to get good grades in an all-white high school, I know I am speaking from a personal place. It's still a stupid question.

This question has come up again, in a different form. In the Chicago Defender, Roland S. Martin opined about the lack of support Obama is receiving from "black leaders." He calls it "nothing more than black-on-black hate at its best."

The Rev. Al Sharpton, who offered nothing more than a few great quotes in his 2004 presidential bid, told the Chicago Defender: "I think that Obama brings to the race a fresh face with an impressive background. I think that all of us around the country will be assessing all of the candidates and seeing what they have to offer. It is then that we will be able to make more solid comments about Obama and other possible candidates and what they will bring to the table."

He added: "My own thing is that I don't know him that well, but I seek to get to know him," Sharpton said. "Then I can give you better impressions about him and I will be able to grasp what it is he is seeking and trying to do."

You all may know that I have no respect for Rev. Sharpton. I do think it is interesting that he believes we're all waiting with bated breath to hear his impressions of Sen. Obama. Like black people cannot make a decision on an issue or a person without first hearing the words of our black leaders. How delusional they are.

The black enough question isn't really the question anyway. For me, that question instantly makes me wonder...How does one define blackness?

Is Jesse "blacker" than Barack because he walked with Martin Luther King, Jr.? That's not Barack's fault; he was only two years old when The March on Washington happened. And does that mean that King is "blacker" than all other black leaders ever?

Is Big Al "blacker" because he only talks to black issues? Barack believes that confronting American issues is dealing with black issues. It's how he sees the world.

Is Barack "less black" because he is embraced by the general population? Again, that is not his fault. There's no accounting for taste.

Am I "less black" because I have a Master's degree? Or is Skip Gates the "blackest" because he runs the African-American Studies program at Harvard? Are the people who lived in Ward 9 in New Orleans "blacker" than an African American living in a foreign country?

You see? It's an impossible question. And since it is the foundation of: Is Barack Obama "black" enough?...it makes this question impossible and stupid.

Tuckergurl once wrote that I am the person who always asks the questions no one wants to answer...I take that as a wonderful compliment, by the way. This question might be another one of them. So be it.

Addendum: My friend Daphne...of the "use antibacterial cream for zits" fame...sent me a link to this article. I guess mainstream media is openly discussing this topic.

If "being black enough" is code for all those issues that Vaslav and the article bring up, then why use code? Why don't they actually ask those questions!?! Those questions aren't stupid.

I Need a New Digital Camera

I gave my digital camera to my little sister. I didn't think I would need it. It was also too heavy for my liking and didn't have that new photo stabilization technology that I desperately need. Besides, she's on the yearbook committee and is the IT girl of her 8th grade class, so she needed a camera to document her fabulousness at all the parties and sleepovers she gets invited to.

But now I need a new one. I had to use one of those disposable cameras when "Law & Order" came by my apartment. I finally got the pictures developed and most of them are dark and blurry. The Mormon is pretty good with Photoshop, so I'll see what he can do, but it's pretty bleak.

Regardless, here's the picture of me with the stars of the show. I'm not a gray person, just need to hide my face.





Here's a picture of the "set," or my living room painted a hideous color, trashed and made to look like a dude's. All those people are members of the crew. See how grainy the picture is?



Most of the pictures turned out like this:

How annoying! Ah well, what are you going to do? Another reminder: the show airs on Feb. 2 at 10pm. Check it out.






In other news, here's a picture of Ella during her first Christmas with me! How cute she is!

New Post

I got tired of my last post being the first thing I see, so I'm changing the subject. I feel much better today, though I don't think I'm out of the woods. I got a great deal of support from friends and family...one friend IMed me right after she read the post! That was sweet. More than anything else, I'm tired. I really can't wait until Friday night when I will go to bed early and sleep late. This is what I'm thinking about today:

1. I really want to leave my job. My life-changing experience will facilitate that, but if for some reason it doesn't work out, it's time for a different locale. I feel fortunate that at least I know I want to continue in this career path. I need to be inspired by who or what I work for. Right now, that is not happening on any front.

2. I am so grateful for The Mormon. His very presence gives me peace. I won't lie, at the very beginning, I was just grateful I was with someone I liked. But every day that goes by, every word he says and action he takes, every way he loves me...I become more grateful for him specifically. I thought dudes like him were already married. I guess it was good I got him young! Sorry! I promised The Mormon I would stop referencing our age difference, since I am the only one it seems to bother.

3. I am really taking Vaslav's words to heart. Anxiety is just the kooky way I deal with stress. I just have to manage the stress and manage the way I deal with it. I was more freaked out yesterday because I feared what the attack represented. Oh God! An anxiety attack! I'm going to get depressed and suicidal again! I'm going to have to stop working again and go back to the hospital and...You get the point. However, one doesn't necessarily mean all the others. I now get anxiety attacks. I didn't used to, but now I do. Right now, let me just take care of that. Thank you, Vaslav.

4. I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Angela gave me a great way to relate to the different people in my life...especially those who I feel disappointed by. Ever since, it's been easier. But I've been thinking about my good friends in relation to being in a serious relationship. 'Cuz The Mormon and I are serious. I don't really have anything definite to say, but I have been thinking about it.

5. TV writing is so the new playwriting. Almost every show I watch has some playwright employed as a writer and/or producer. Why just last night, I saw Bridget Carpenter's name as a Producer/Writer for "Friday Night Lights." It's astounding. More power to them, is what I say. Theatre is a fickle business with no self-awareness and serious delusions of grandeur, so it continually abuses its talent. If a playwright finds an artistic voice, an enthusiastic audience, and a decent paycheck working for TV, go for it!

6. I was talking to a gay friend of mine, Robert...his being gay is important, that's why he was introduced that way...about the question Angela posed on her blog. Robert actually thinks that Isiah Washington should stay because his dismissal won't change anything. When I told Robert that the show touts itself as a haven for diversity, he asked if there were any gay or lesbian lead characters. When I responded "no," he said that what Isiah really did was bust "Grey's" publicity bubble, and why punish him for calling "Grey's" out? Robert doesn't really believe there is true diversity on TV when it comes to portraying gays and lesbians. If Isiah gets fired and they replace him with a gay leading man, then that's something. He's an idiot, true...but there are plenty of idiots that we watch and love every week on TV. I don't think I agree with Robert, but he did bring up an interesting point about the definition of diversity.

7. Did I mention how tired I was?

FUCK!

It's back. I thought I felt it nipping at me in the last few weeks, but it always subsided. Sometimes, it stopped me from going to work, but I figured it was because I am officially tired of my workplace.

But today it made itself perfectly clear: it was not going to be ignored.

I had a full-on anxiety attack...just like before. I had to call a co-worker...the same one from before...to walk me into my building and up into my office.

DAMN IT!

I'm so fucking angry and scared. I SO don't want to be crazy and when I get this way...I only feel completely out of control and crazy.

I think I know what is causing this resurgence of emotional sludge, but that doesn't mean it's any less painful or infuriating! All it means is that I may have to go back on medication.

DAMN IT!

I am so angry that the word "angry" isn't doing my emotion justice. Why can't my brain just be normal? Why can't the trauma just stop?

Blow by Blow

I'm watching the Golden Globes by myself and I have so much I want to say, so I'm going to try to do a play by play of the show.

8:57: Elizabeth I just won Best Mini-Series. But earlier Ben Stiller presented Borat because it's nominated as a Best Film and the audience was so not settled from the commercial break. His first joke fell completely flat because no one was listening.

9:00: Prince won Best Song, but Justin Timberlake accepted for him because he didn't get on stage....WAIT A MINUTE!!! Eddie Murphy just won Best Supporting Actor in a Movie! What a surprise! I totally thought that was going to Jack Nicholson! What a shock! You can tell Eddie's shocked, too.

Anyway, I was saying I thought that Prince wasn't there because he didn't accept his award, but I saw him behind Eddie Murphy when they were showing the nominees. So why couldn't he get on stage?

9:06: I feel so sorry for those presenting right after commercial breaks...no one is listening! Sarah Jessica Parker was talking to no one!

9:09: Bill Nighy won. I dig him.

9:11: Gillian Andersen got nominated for "Bleek House." I'm happy for her. She has a life after "The X-Files."

9:14: Have you noticed how amazing the commercials are for this award show? This might be turning into the SuperBowl for ads...except for this Applebee's commercial.

9:17: Cameron looks horrible...her dress, her hair, her bright red lips. None of it is working. Which is a shame because Justin Timberlake is there.

9:19: Do you all believe the rumors that Jake is gay? I knew the writer of The Queen would win. Oh God! Peter Marber is trying to wax political...it didn't work.

9:21: Who thought of putting Tim Allen and Vanessa Williams together? Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Comedy. He deserves it, but I didn't think he would win. I'm glad for him.

9:31: I get the sense "Weeds" the best show in this category (Best TV Comedy), but as I predicted on NBC's online game, "Ugly Betty" won. But you can tell that the show didn't expect it because they are genuinely happy. I'm offended that they showed J. Lo and her man when they won.

9:36: When Sharon Stone mentioned Mel Gibson, no one clapped. I can't believe his film is nominated under Best Foreign Language Film. It makes sense, but it's weird. Letters from Iwo Jima won. Eh.

9:43: The Lexus commercials are awesome!

9:46: So Prince was stuck in traffic, which is why he was late and couldn't accept his award. Yeah, Hugh for giving him a shout-out.

9:47: I can't believe The Da Vinci Code was nominated for anything! Even Best Score.

9:48: What is Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing? It looks like bronze aluminum foil.

9:49: I'm really happy America won. And Salma Hayek is crying! America's speech is pretty kick-ass. She is amazingly self-composed and she thanked everyone.

9:53: The Hollywood Insider woman who interviewed America after her acceptance totally put her foot in her mouth. What a stupid question to ask: "What do you say to those people who didn't want you to play this part?" I'm glad America made that woman feel as stupid as she should have felt.

10:00: Tom Hanks just said "balls." Tee hee. He makes drunk look so fun! Warren Beatty has really done some amazing work. He is a good actor, isn't he? Bulworth was a great film, I don't care what anyone says. And Reds, though long, was also a great flick.

10:10: I can't believe they are playing a Madonna song over a montage of Warren's movie clips. That's just tacky.

10:12: I think Warren is drunk. His shtick is funny in concept, just not in execution.

10:15: Warren's speech needs to end now. It's officially boring. His ode to Annette was touching, but it didn't make any sense. How can his wife make him feel like a newcomer?

10:20: FINALLY! Martin won...something! Anything! The Departed was a fun flick! I don't think it will win Best Picture, but I'm glad he won Best Director.

10:28: I can't believe Sasha Baron Cohen won! I'm proud of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I can't type right now...I just have to listen to that fine ass man talk. Goddamn he's fine, especially when he talks with that fantastic accent! I don't care if he's talking about balls in his face. He is SO fine! JKR, baby! He's so funny...and FINE! That tarty redhead doesn't deserve him!

10:37: Of course Dreamgirls won. That is tacky that they cut off the producer with music. They can't enforce the time limit now, when they SO didn't enforce it at the beginning! Maybe because the producer was so flaming...I think someone should call a discrimination lawyer.

10:43: Shonda Rhimes gets to talk! Go Black Woman leading everybody! I don't like her dress, but her speech was cute.

10:45: Of course Helen Mirren won. Phillip Seymour Hoffman looked so bored presenting the award.

10:53: Forest Whitaker won Best Actor in a Film - Drama. He doesn't really have time to be so speechless...and he probably doesn't even drink.

10:56: Aah-nold is going to present the award for Best Film. Why?

11:00: Babel won. Huh. Didn't really see that coming, especially since The Queen won almost every other award. I wonder what happened to Arnold's leg/foot. I'm sorry for him that he had to say "We'll be back."

Well, that's it. I sort of lost interest at the end, sorry. These awards are getting lamer every year. We need some sort of scandal to make the Oscars interesting. Not enough actors make interesting speeches. Goodnight.

Make Up Your Mind!

It wasn't that long ago that AT&T Wireless went belly up and was bought by Cingular. All us AT&T customers had the jump through crazy hoops to get registered on the new website and the bills at the beginning of the changeover just didn't make any sense. I was relieved when it was finally worked out.

I just heard a commercial during the Golden Globes that Cingular is now going to change its name to...AT&T! Argghhh! Now I'm going to have to deal with the changeover all over again.

I Am A Lean, Mean Financial Machine!

I'm very proud of myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I applied for another credit building credit card. It's one that has no APR for the first six months, and frequently reviews my account. The credit limit only increases if I pay on time and above the minimum. It's perfect because it's actual credit, but with strong boundaries...which is exactly what I need.

Anyway, the card came today. As I was reviewing the paperwork, I read that there was an annual fee. I don't know if I missed that before I applied, but if I activated this card, I would be paying the company $40 a year just to have the card. My limit was not that high and it's not even a rewards card!

What fueled my flame was the fact there was another credit card offer from the same company! that offered me the same card...with no annual fee! I figured that if I was being offered a no fee card, they could change the one I've got.

So I called the company to see if they could remove the fee. I was very nice and explained to them that I was very interested in being a customer, but that I wasn't down with the annual fee. They transferred me to a manager and tried to wine and dine me with all the advantages of the card. But I knew I was good enough for a no-fee card, so I wasn't going to settle.

At the end of the day, I cancelled that account without authorizing the card. It was hard because I could have really used it. But I made myself think long-term and I realized that I didn't have, no...didn't want to have $40 in my budget for having a credit card.

After I cancelled, I went online and applied for the no-fee card. I got approved...it's coming in two weeks. I hope that having a cancelled card doesn't really hurt my credit, but I really didn't want that card. Now I know to read everything and pay attention of what's not written.

Today Was a Good Day

Even though I came home with a migraine, today was a good day overall. Wanna hear why? Well, here it goes:

1. Today is Thursday. Which means tomorrow is Friday and the start of a three-day weekend. One where I will hopefully spend a lot of time with The Mormon. Things are going very well with us, by the way.

2. I went running for the first time in a few days this morning. Does this happen to you? When you lose focus in one area of your life, it threatens to affect other areas? I wasn't as disciplined in my running, so it became a struggle to remain disciplined for the other things on my list. Weird.

3. Construction is moving at a nice clip on the Target around the corner from my house. I didn't see one beam raised for all of 2006. Apparently because they were building two or three levels of underground parking. But now that must be done because there are lots of beams up. I think it's going to be at least three floors. I'm so excited!

4. New episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" start tonight!

5. I'm living in a home without a wasp! I finally got the nerve to kill it last night after it freaking me out all week.

6. I got a thank you letter from the "Law & Order" people. They were sweet and told me they were very grateful. The episode where my apartment is featured will air on February 2nd.

7. But what makes today SO special is that today is our anniversary...Ella's and mine. That's right! Ella came into my life one year ago today. She was called Barbie then...yuck!...and I had no idea how much my life would change. I had to fight for her...hard. But after a year, I know her like I know no other living thing. She has been my companion and seen me in every mood. I have learned about myself and what I'm capable of. I love her so much. I can barely remember my life without her. Happy Anniversary, Ella. I love you!

I Did It!

I sat down this morning and I did it...I created a budget. It wasn't that hard. I simplified it by not trying to track my more complicated accounts: mortgage, 403b, high-interest savings. For now, I don't mind going to those separate websites and reviewing my quarterly statements. I simply listed all my fixed monthly expenses...including contributing to those accounts...and came up with reasonable, yet strict limits on my variable expenses. I was going to buy some expensive software to do this, but I knew that would just add pressure to "figure it all out." So I downloaded one of the free ones that Single Ma pointed out and revised it for me.

The first thing that slapped me in the face was my fixed monthly expenses take up so much less than what I bring in. That includes the money I'm diverting to pay off my credit card debt, my mortgage and maintenance, my bills, savings, everything. Oh! And I'm working off of my net income, not my gross. Which means that I'm pissing away a good chunk of my income. Sure it's nice to get a glass of wine every time I go out to dinner, but is it worth living paycheck to paycheck? Hell no!

Once that reality was sitting there in black and white, it put everything in perspective. All my stressing about how to afford to be the maid of honor at this 5-star resort wedding in Jamaica this May just went away. Along with the financial fear of going to Colorado to attend another wedding with The Mormon in July. As I typed out all that I've spent so far in January, it just seemed so easy! I don't need to spend the way I spend. I don't even want to spend the way I spend. It is getting me nowhere. I would rather feel the frustration that comes from exerting discipline than feel that all-too-familiar desperation as I wait for another payday. I'm actually pretty excited!

Two blogs in particular have helped me so much: Single Ma and Debt Hater. They are two black women who have just had enough and have made changes in their lives to get rid of the financial monkey on their backs.

You know how in this consumer culture...and especially in NYC...there is this misconception everyone around you can afford things without worry? Maybe you don't experience this, but I feel serious pressure to keep up with The Jones'. Yet, credit card debt is an epidemic, isn't it? So it can't be that everyone around me has their money together and I'm the one who doesn't...it can't be. However, since very few people really talk about their financial situation...few people even KNOW their financial situation...I'm left with this feeling that everyone else must be doing something right. I love SM and DH so much because they are straight up honest about the fact that budgeting for them is not an option. That they they do not have it all figured it out, but are learning more every day. They falter, but then find a way to get back on track. And I get the sense that although it's easier for them now, it's still a battle. That makes me feel so much better...not through schadenfreude or anything...but in a "I'm not alone" way.

I feel so empowered just by this simple step of creating a budget. I think I have the strength now to kill the wasp that's hanging around my window. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a wasp in January.

New Year's Theme 2007

It's taken me some time to wrap my thoughts around this theme. I knew there were some things I wanted to accomplish this upcoming year, but if I didn't have a guiding principle to fall back on, I'd only forget about them.

This year's theme is Embracing Discipline. A bunch of my behavior is tied to psychological issues, childhood blocks...blah, blah, blah. Then there are the things I don't do simply because I am lazy. I need to change that. I'm not getting any younger and my life is only becoming more in my control, not less.

To this end, I'm making little changes that will hopefully produce big results. Will power will have nothing to do with this...it is WAY too flighty to depend on. Discipline only requires practice. Some of these things may be hard, but I've never understood not doing something simply because it was hard. So I will practice having discipline through practice!

Some of these tasks include:

1. Getting Ella more socialized to other dogs. It isn't brain surgery. I just need to get her to the park more often and make more doggy dates. The more she's around them, the more she'll be used to being around them. I've already joined the Cocker Spaniel group on Meetup.com and I have a standing tea date with a neighbor who has two pit bulls.

2. Brushing my teeth and washing my face every night. Don't worry, I do them every morning! But this only take 5 minutes combined. There's no reason not to do them.

3. Meditating at least once a day. I have created my altar with my sitting cushions and I have pledged to meditate at least 15 minutes once a day. Boy oh boy...this is Definitely something that requires practice...clearing the mind and focusing only on the breath is Hard! I'm going to post about how Nichiren Buddhism is SO Buddhism for Dummies.

4. Living on a budget. This is the one task that is connected to my issues. However, that can no longer be an excuse. I just have to suck it up, create a budget and live within it. I've done it before and it felt good. I can totally do it again.

5. Running every other day. Something that takes less than 45 minutes and has profound effects on my body and mind. I have the body of my mom when she was my age, and if I don't take care of it, I will end up with her body at her age. She's a wonderful woman, but I don't want her body. Sh*t, neither does she! She's on a serious walking kick, with weights and everything.

6. Creatively writing more. When I was going through my PTSD and anxiety, I picked up creative writing as both an outlet and an escape. I didn't share what I wrote and most of it was only two-page profiles I made up of people I saw on the subway. I think I would like to continue/expand on what I've done. It was just fun...and it beats watching TV.

7. Getting to work on time. Like Angela, I too have a problem with this. I think it's because I don't want to be there anymore. Regardless, I can't let them know that. So I need to go to bed earlier so that I won't press the snooze button in the morning.

With that said...I gotta go to bed. Tomorrow is a running day. Happy New Year!

I Succumbed to Peer Pressure

So many of my favorite blogs were changing their layouts...and I got jealous. So I changed my colors. Blogger doesn't really have the greatest range of styles and I'm not in the mood to search cyberspace for an outside one, so I decided keep the general layout and just make the colors different. Eh...

I have been ruminating over my New Year's Theme for 2007 and I have a great one. However, I'm way too restless now to post about it. The Mormon is on his way back from his holiday vacation. I haven't seen him in over a week and damn! I missed him. He's coming directly to my house from the airport and I can't sit still.

So I'll post tomorrow.