Happy Halloween?

It's Halloween. There is a party I could go to tonight that would be a huge blast, but I'm way too tired. I just got back from a trip over the weekend that was information gathering for my life-changing event; it was quite intense.

There are children walking up and down my street and all I'm thinking about is what to eat for dinner.

It's just occured to me that Halloween isn't my favorite holiday the way it is for most adults. I've had some good times on this holiday, but I didn't miss the weekend of Halloween parties. I'm fine.

Huh.

Maybe next year.

Maybe Bijan Is On To Something

So through the blogsphere, I've discovered a new blog. It's not actually new...just new to me. The guy is a real pip! I dig this dude because he finds the funniest and strangest things on the Web. He also drops some hints on his personal life, and it sounds like it's rife with stories.

Anyway, Tomtom posted about the end of the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 and the significance people are placing on it. The first thing I thought was: BIJAN!!! He actually might be right. The non-physical beings from Atlantis may indeed show up to mark the end of the world as we know it...damn!

I hope you know I'm being sarcastic...

Knocking the Wind Out of You

So the theme of this post is stuff that throws you for a loop. It was going to be a snapshot of things that really deserve their own posts...but I'm not in the mood to write that much. But then I got some very disturbing news and decided to change the subject. However, I still want to tell you about stuff that's been going on, so I'll try and reinterpret those events to fit within this theme.

1. I discovered that I was in love. Right after college, I had an "affair" with a man much older than me. I call it an affair...even though he wasn't married...because it wasn't quite a relationship, but it was very dramatic and passionate. There were a lot of difficult phone conversations and meeting each other in random cities. We eventually outgrew it and remain very good friends today. He called me this week and told me that his wife is pregnant. I was so happy for him, and then I started to cry. The pain was so overwhelming I had to get off the phone. Through hindsight and a conversation with a friend, I discovered that I was in love with him. I had always tossed it up to post-graduation angst, but I realized that I was indeed in love. And a part of me still thinks he is the "one that got away." No wonder the news hit me like a ton of bricks.

2. I got my tattoo on Saturday. I planned this event, so it's not as shocking, however, it ended up being a lot bigger than I originally thought it would be. I put it in a discreet, yet accessible place, but I didn't expect to enjoy the size of it as much as I do. I was going to post a picture, but I think that's blogging TMI. Trust me, it's really beautiful...even if it's three sizes bigger than my first one.

3. I had a really difficult conversation with a friend last night. It turned out wonderfully, but I shocked myself on a couple of fronts. One: I was very clear about my boundaries and expectations in the friendship. I have never done that before...with anyone. It scared the shyt out of me to be so direct about my needs, but it felt good at the same time. Two: this friend is going through a really hard time and I told her straight out that she should get help. This was shocking to me because usually I would try and be her "friend-therapist," but I knew that was not the healthiest option for either of us. I was also scared that she would resent me for the suggestion. Luckily, she didn't.

4. One of my best friends just called me and told me that one of her oldest friends, and a resident of mine when I was an RA in college, was convicted of fatally stabbing two women in February of this year. He killed his ex-girlfriend by slitting her throat, then killed her sister when she was about to walk in on the crime scene. He confessed to his fiancee and to a friend. Between the two women, six children have lost their mothers.

Now I know a rapist and a murderer. An old family friend date raped a friend of mine in high school. It was a horrible time because I had known him since I was little. Eventually, he was shipped to Texas to live with his father; the only contact I had to him was through his mother. He was killed by being a bystander in a drive-by shooting in 2001.

Me and the Cult Leader

It's strange...when most people I know talk about belief systems being used to divide and separate, they are referring to right-wing conservatives who have a very entrenched belief in God. However, perhaps because of my upbringing, I'm more sensitive to liberal, left-leaning people who have a very entrenched belief in some sort of "alternative" or non-Western religious tradition.

I was raised a Nichiren Buddhist. The first time I read the Bible was my senior year in high school for a Western Civilization class. However, about 4-5 years ago, I left my faith because it was no longer doing what I thought a religion should do. I wasn't inspired by the teachings and I wanted no part of the community. I'm sure part of that decision came from my own fear, but part of it was most definitely the group of people I was encountering.

Now I define myself as Buddhist, but I am not quite sure exactly what kind. Yes, like in Christianity, there are different sects of Buddhism! All I know is that I like meditating and I am NOT a Nichiren Buddhist and I can't get into Judea-Christian religions...I tried, I just can't. However, since I don't know exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to a specific belief system, I usually try to keep my mouth shut and my mind open to listening to other world views...hence, why I know I'm not Christian.

This "openness" or "floundering"...whatever you want to call it...can get one into trouble. The weekend I went to Buffalo, I attended a lecture by this guy named Bijan Anjomi. He's a former Mr. Universe who's created this philosophy called "Effortless Prosperity." I won't go into the details here...they aren't really the point. Suffice it to say, a lot of what he says draws on Buddhist teachings. When I was listening to him, I didn't learn anything, but I was reminded of a lot I grew up with.

Because of this familiarity I felt, I was very drawn to him. He made it sound so easy. He wasn't the clearest teacher of the concepts, but he was brilliant at making you think that what he was saying in the moment made complete sense...even if it contradicted what he said 30 minutes ago. I was almost about to buy one of his books, until...

Someone in the audience asked about the year 2012. Bijan did not go into specifics, but he said something to the effect of between 2012 and 2016, the world as we know it is going to change radically. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. After the lecture I was speaking to some of the other people there and they mentioned something about the lost world of Atlantis and the return of "non-physical beings" to the earth. I was officially done.

But what actually scared the crap out of me wasn't what Bijan said...it was how the audience interpreted what he said. Someone actually said something to the effect of:

"When the world change happens, those who don't believe may not make it through it. Some of those people may be those we love, so we need to come to peace with that."

Not only was the audience blindly accepting this Buddhism-lite, they were quite judgmental about people who weren't also blindly accepting. It was that narrow-minded interpretation of complex concepts by weak minds that made me think that I was in the midst of a cult. I've been to Bijan's website...the only reference to Atlantis is in a podcast you can purchase. All the writings on the main pages don't mention the underwater world at all. I feel like the people who are digging on him are in the middle of a bait and switch. I just want to tell them: STAY AWAY FROM ANY KOOL-AID!

Connections

Though TMFB ended up being a real loser, some significant things came out our interaction. I have mentioned some of them in an earlier post, but there are more!

One thing he reminded me of was the idea of connection. Everything is indeed connected and peace comes from the acknowledgment of this fact, as well as acting accordingly. This is a concept that I was raised to believe. It's also one that is very easy to forget, especially when you are in the midst of a crippling depression and you feel nothing but alone. Overall, though, I do believe Happiness Is knowing that the universe is constantly in conversation with you.

So after I hung out with TMFB, I became much more in tune with this concept. There have been tangible examples of it, and it hasn't stopped yet! As you may have gleaned from my previous post, I am getting another tattoo and I am wondering where to put it. I really wanted to put it on the inside of my right wrist, due to the nature of the tattoo and chakras. I had heard some negative feedback on that idea because it's so conspicuous, but I didn't care.

Until...

My neighbor...who has a bunch of non-visible tattoos and runs a custom tattoo shop...cautioned against it on the train ride to work. This is not remarkable as we talk often. But we NEVER ride to work together...ever! The fact that she was on my train and she made some cogent points no one else mentioned gave me pause.

THEN! This article was posted on the Times website less than an hour ago. The universe is telling me something. So I think I'm going to put the tattoo in a more discreet place. It will still be easily visible...because I don't believe in putting art on my body that I can't enjoy...but I will be able to cover it up when necessary.

Reader's Poll

Okay, anyone who happens across this post please leave a comment. I need to know the following: what do you think when you come across a woman who has tattoos? Be honest. Be anonymous if you need to, but I really need to know.

Thank God I Don't Believe in Hell

On the whole, I wouldn't consider myself an in-your-face type of woman, especially not regarding men. I have female friends that are completely "I am Woman, hear me Roar," and it so works for them. Often I wish I was more that way...more "Don't F*ck With Me"-esque. We won't go into the gender politics regarding societal labels for an assertive woman here...but feel free to comment.

But I heard about this on the radio this morning and thought something that could be construed by some as...bitchy. Then my s'mom forwarded me the article and the thought came to me again. So instead of pretending I'm above it all, I'm just going to say it...

Payback is a Bitch!

Addendum: It's Saturday morning and I just heard on NPR that this storm has caused major damage in the area. I'm not just talking about power outages. Apparently people have died and 100-year-old trees have fallen due to the weight of the snow. So...even though TMFB deserves to be inconvenienced, the city itself doesn't deserve this...it's a really nice city. Here's hoping the city recoups soon.

What Makes a Good Book

So I just finished this book. It was a surprisingly quick read. I was expecting this brilliantly written, witty story. It was a Times Bestseller and got rave reviews, with everyone calling it "hilarious."

I was disappointed. He's not a very strong writer. He talks about how he was never really educated and resented learning the basics of writing. You can tell. He doesn't have any style. He just tells stories, doing nothing unique with the language. The hook is that the stories are so bizarre, you hardly believe them.

And the book isn't hilarious to me...it's incredibly sad. His upbringing was so f*cked up, I had a hard time finding the humor in the stories. There was a horrible truth revealed at the end of the book and I could tell by the way he wrote it, he had a hard time finding the humor in it as well.

Also, whenever I read stories of extremely dysfunctional families that are supposed to be funny...especially if they are Caucasian families...I never find them so. I actually have a difficult time understanding how anyone could consider them funny. I had the same reaction to The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. That was page after page of a family of completely broken people. It was incredibly difficult to read...when I finished it, I felt like it was a huge accomplishment. This book wasn't as difficult to read, but I didn't enjoy as much as the reviews on the back of the book told me to. Now I'm morbidly fascinated to see how they put this on the big screen.

Strangly Intoxicating

Kelly has a link to this very strange, interactive website. At first I was kind of grossed out, but the longer I hung out on it, I got oddly sucked in. Check it out...

Dear Host to Out of Town Guest...

Let me begin by saying that overall I had a wonderful time. I stayed with you for two days and two nights. The first day was wonderful. I saw some beautiful nature, including lots of fall foliage and Niagara Falls. I even got to travel to another country for a couple of hours. I ate well and met lots of nice people. However, I felt like I had to find the good time in spite of you, especially on the second day. The second day was like a very boring lecture where you are there to focus on the professor, however the only thing getting you through it are the other students around you. So here are some general guidelines that will help you to be a better host next time you have a visitor.

1. Put out. When a cute girl is traveling to see you and you all have great chemistry in bed, then you want to get it on as much as possible. Especially when it is most likely that you will not see each other again. Don't not make out with her.

2. Don't be moody. It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of some sort of "life transformation," you have a cute girl in your home that knows no one but you...and is horny (see above). Make small talk, shoot the shit. Don't just drive in silence for an hour thinking about yourself. It's rude.

3. Don't disappear at a party. If you bring said cute girl to a football party, don't abandon her for a long period of time. Yes, she is a sociable, outgoing person who is making conversation with others, but you still can't go off with your cousin and at least not tell the cute girl that you'll be off for a while. Again, something else that's quite rude.

4. Don't act like the girl is being all clingy and full of expectations when she is SO not. Whatever issues you may have with commitment, own the fact that they are only yours. If you can't even commit to have a house guest for a weekend...a house guest that happens to be a cute girl who wants to get it on and knows for sure that you are not going to be together...you've got major problems. Don't be distant and aloof. It's passive aggressive and annoying.

5. Have a towel and a washcloth for a guest. Especially since she had clean linens for you both nights you stayed at her house.

If you incorporate these tips into your housewarming duties, I'm sure you will become a much better host.

Thank you,
L. Britt

My Ode to The Rover

This post is being written at an airport terminal, where many of The Rover's brilliant musings have been created. My flight has been delayed over an hour because they are waiting for the flight crew. It's my own fault because I am flying Delta. I know, I know...tuckergurl warned us all that Delta sucks, but it was the cheapest flight by far. I guess you get what you pay for.

Where am I go, you ask? I'm going to Buffalo. Be careful what you wish for is the lesson here. If you recall, the amazing man with whom I spent a weekend lives in Buffalo. At the time, all I wanted was for him to invite me to visit him so we could see each other again. Well, he did. Of course, it was after the pedestal upon which I had placed him crumbled and I actually got a good look at him.

There is absolutely no ill will. I actually feel fortunate that it all went down the way it did. I learned a lot about where I'm at spiritually and I came to a wonderful realization about how I view men.

For as long I can remember, men have always been my saviors or my destroyers. It's a position I put them in...any guy I meet is either the second coming here to change my life or the epitome of evil who wants nothing more than to annihilate me. Granted, I have been in relationships with very damaged men, however, I can't really remember a guy just being a guy trying to figure shit out like me. This pattern of behavior came into stark relief during my encounter with The Man from Buffalo. Once I learned that about myself, everything became so clear and I became so calm. My encounters with TMFB lost all sense of desperation as I started to see the situation in its entirety and see him for who he is. We did have a wonderful connection that weekend; he is still extremely good-looking in my eyes. He is a good person; he is still a little too pompous for my taste. But I can honestly say, it's all good.

I guess my interactions with him via email and the phone reflected this shift because he did indeed invite me to come visit him in Buffalo for a weekend of fall festivals, pumpkin carving and football watching. I'm looking forward to getting out of the city and seeing foliage uninterrupted by buildings.

Note: This trip was sponsored by Michael Bloomberg, who has instituted the $400 tax rebate for all homeowners in the city for the third year in a row. Thanks, Mike!

"Giving Flowers While They're Alive"

My Aunt Polly told me that during the wake of my grandmother seven years ago. I was offended by all the people coming up to my mother saying how much they loved my grandmother when neither Grandma nor my mom had heard from them in decades. They had a right to be there and mourn her passing but don't be fake about it, was what I thought. Polly said that the key was to give flowers to people while they're alive, because they are of no use to someone when they're dead. I've been trying to live that saying every day. It makes it so much easier to give compliments and not feel weird or exposed. I'm just giving flowers while they're alive.

I say this because a good friend of mine has been quite supportive of me lately. It's not about supporting me through a crisis or anything...she's just been there, you know? So, just in case I haven't said it as much as I've thought it, I want to let her know that I notice the support and I really appreciate it.

Let Them Go...

I'm in a bloggy mood today...and definitely not in a mood to do work, so expect some posts today.

My first blog will be about the fact that today is a cold day. It's not freezing or anything, but it's definitely chilly. One must close his/her windows to keep out the chill. Most people are wearing jackets and long sleeves. It is also cloudy and gray and damp, with sporadic rain showers.

Yet, despite the fact it is a mere 55 degrees with no sun in sight and it's OCTOBER, there are still people in Our Fair City wearing flip flops. Granted, yesterday was a lovely, sunny fall day...however, the operative word is fall! Summer is officially over. It's time to put away the tank tops, the shorts...and the FLIP FLOPS! And no, it's not alright to wear them even though you're wearing jeans and sweatshirt. It's time to cover your feet. Why? Because it is cold outside.

Best Show on Television...Hands Down

I have just seen the best new show on television. I've been watching a lot of television for the past couple of weeks, checking out new shows, seeing what old shows are giving me and this show was amazing. I was riveted the entire hour. I was nervous about leaving the TV even for the commercials. It was shot like a movie, I swear. I even knew what was going to happen and I still didn't want to miss a minute. It was very well acted and the cinematography was so professional. I'm all over this show.

Final Fasting Update

I officially broke my fast last night with a lovely dinner of baked chicken with onions and mushrooms and steamed asparagus in garlic and butter. Yesterday was a mess: I was miserable and weak all day and started getting a migraine. As soon as I decided that I wasn't going to wait until Monday, a level of calm and peace came over me. It was the peace that I had been looking for all through the fast, actually. Though I didn't make to Monday, I feel good about what I did. I also learned a great deal about myself, my body, my relationship to food and liquor.

I want to give a shout-out here to my good friend, without whom I would have broken down on Saturday afternoon. She joined me on my quest for cleansing and it was so helpful to have her to call when I was feeling weak. She also had conversations with others who fast on the regular and she got a lot of information about what not to do next time...not in winter, not on a weekend, etc.

Though I wasn't at all in a spiritual place during this fast, I have a new found appreciation of food. Food is great! I think I will try fasting again after the winter.

Time for lunch!

Black Pride

I'm listening to one of my favorite NPR shows, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me. The guests for the "Not My Job" segment are Elmo and his puppeteer, Kevin Clash. Through this segment, I just found out that Kevin is black.

That makes me happy.

Fasting Update #3

This is no longer fun. I'm so distracted by the physical components of my fasting that I haven't been contemplative at all. The spiritual aspects of this fast have gone out the window.

I did go out last night. My friend, who just broke up with her boyfriend, came into town. I was going to bail because I was feeling so weak, but I made my miso soup "dinner" and felt better. I saw friends from grad school who I hadn't seen in years. It was a good time. I brought my own juice and I didn't feel at all left out. However, when my friends got french fries and chicken fingers, I felt the saliva fill my mouth. I hadn't ever actually felt my mouth water. It was funny!

The "cleansing" aspect of this whole thing began last night. I woke up with a headache. I get the sense I'm staying close to home today.

I really can't wait to chew food tomorrow.