For My Moments of Doubt

1. He calls me when I'm 15 minutes late coming home just to make sure I'm all right.
2. He offers to do the dishes all the time because he knows I hate that chore.
3. He asks me about my day...every day.
4. He recommended that we go into couples counseling to help us communicate better.
5. He randomly sends me silly text messages for no reason whatsoever.
6. He helps me stick to my diet and exercise regimen without making me want to kill him.
   
7. He is starting to care about my dog.
8. He told his job he couldn't work on Valentine's Day.
9. He is braving my Harvard friends to come to a Superbowl party with me.
10. He makes up silly songs using my nickname as he walks through the house.
11. He celebrates every victory I have at Harvard, no matter how small.
12. He wanted me to come to his first recital, even when we weren't okay.
13. He and I share a cell phone plan.
14. He talks to me about his struggles with his friends and family.
15. He tells me so.
    

Doubting L. Britt

I am going through some shyte regarding my relationship with TM. I've been going through it for a while, but have been too ashamed to post about it. Surprisingly enough, The Rover's post about Maxine and Snapple gave me the courage. I know that I need to get the words out of my head, otherwise they fester.

I'm not sure whether TM still loves me. What's worse, I don't know if my doubt comes from him or from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take on a man's dysfunction. Honestly, I am in the middle of my own stuff right now...I'm starting therapy again...so I can't trust my own perceptions of things. A couple of weeks ago, I forced our relationship to the precipice and I thought we stopped ourselves from crashing on the rocks. But I feel it's been shaky ever since. There are times when we are simply cordial, other times when we are affectionate. But here's where the doubt comes in: what seems "cordial" while I'm on school break could just be "busy with work" once school starts again. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me...although I can't remember us saying that much anyway. Our love manifests itself in action way more than words. Can you see how I'm confused?

For me, the worst and scariest part is that I don't feel completely comfortable talking to him about it. That's the part I miss most of all. TM and I have established we process discord very differently, and my need to "talk it out" ends up overwhelming him. So I've been trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut. Now I feel like my tongue is bleeding for biting it for so long and I'm turning into a nag for "wanting to talk" so much. But again, because I don't have much patience, I can't tell if TM is just being insensitive to my needs...or avoiding The Talk...or if I'm expecting too much too soon.

Of course the answer is "talk to him." But the last time we talked I told him what I needed...namely, him initiating conversation more...and nothing has changed. So I'm wondering if my internal clock is off, if he didn't understand what I said, or if he just doesn't care anymore. It could honestly be any of those options. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know the one: the girl that has to constantly process things. The girl who can't just be.

I had to post this because I could feel myself closing off from the outside world. I could hear myself lying about my emotional state to friends and family. I did that once before...and it ended up isolating me from the help I needed. It's not a good sign.

What's Up with the Young Actors Dying?

I find it strange that I only found out that Brad Renfro died almost a exact week before Heath Ledger did after I heard about Heath.

That's all.

What the...?!?!?!

So I just heard about this new movie that actually premiered at Sundance last year and garnered an award for the lead actress, Jess Weixler. I don't know if I should be offended by this movie that tries to modernize an archaic, cowardly idea or be glad that someone is shedding light on this unspoken fear. Perhaps I would feel better if the film was made by a woman, and not the guy who starred in The Wedding Banquet. I must say, the website for the film is pissing me off: "Enter at Your Own Risk." That's some bullsh*t if you ask me. But then I did some more web surfing and found the poster you see here, which is a totally different marketing spin than the website.

I don't know what to think. I doubt this movie will make it to Boston, but if someone in NYC or LA sees it, please let me know what you think. Shucks, tell me what you think anyway!

This Made the Football Game Worth It

The fact that this commercial was posted back in September proves that I have not watched TV in a while.

This commercial just makes me laugh, even if it's for McEvil.

A New Perspective

It is amazing...absolutely amazing. I just passed in my last final of my first semester. I am officially done with first semester. I'm not done with work, mind you, but all my professors have all they need to give me a grade for my first semester. I already know that I got an "A-" in the hardest class I took this semester, so that's a good start.

When I slid my final under the professor's door, I instantly felt good. Instantly! Like a drug kicked in or something. I am now going to write a press release and do some research on experimental studies on high school kids, but I don't mind at all. My first semester is done.

Like the Blog, Not the Blogger

So there's this blog I read on the regular. I read it because it has a very specific purpose and I have learned a lot...when I was contesting something very intimidating, I used the blog to help me compose the letter. At the same time, I was often so envious of how together the blogger seemed with regard to this specific aspect of his/her life. But there is something going on with this blogger, he/she is getting mean and not nice to read. And through one recent post I realized, this blogger's life has a lot to be desired. Though he/she may have one aspect of his/her life under control, some other, very important aspects are a hot mess!

I know this is a bit of schadenfreude, but I feel better knowing this blogger is not perfect in all things. I also hope this blogger finds some solace and peace in his/her soul, because he/she is not a nice blogger right now. Maybe the blogger should take a break.

P.S. I'm not naming the blog because that would be unnecessarily mean. I doubt this blogger reads my blog, so chances are it's not you.

I'm Not Alright

Has this ever happened to you?

Something somewhat upsetting happens to you...nothing major...but upsetting nonetheless. You don't feel it right away. So you tell everyone around you that you are fine...you even believe it yourself.

But then something else happens...something not at all upsetting, but related...and you realize that you are indeed quite upset.

The worst part is that you realize that you've been living in denial in order to not be upset...and that you can't stay that way. Even if you have to make hard decisions.

That's what happened to me this morning.

What's Wrong with Me?

I really want to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. I can't explain why. The way Ariel's tail is attached to the back of her costume looks ridiculous, but I still want to see the show. I think I dig how multiculti (to use a term from tuckergurl) it is.

Harvard is turning my brain to mush.

TV

I watched the re-premieres of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" last night. I was impressed with how funny they both were on their own, but I got the sense that they were exhausted...and exhausting their material. Jon Stewart was straight-up pissed at everybody. His rant at first sounded like he was attacking the writers for quibbling over downloads from iTunes, equating watching TV on an iPod like getting a sample of cheese. But then he was on the attack toward the networks. He's just pissed; apparently Comedy Central tried to work out a side deal for his and Colbert's show, but the Guild said no. For some reason, I believe that Colbert will last longer than Stewart...maybe because half his show will be spent with the audience giving him a standing ovation.

I do have to say that I really miss Stewart's and Colbert's commentary on this election season. As exciting as this race is, it's not nearly as funny.

With that said, I am SO excited for the New Hampshire primary results tonight. TM and I are going to make popcorn and watch the votes roll in. So exciting!

P.S. Is anyone going to watch the Golden Globes press conference Sunday night? I mean, seriously...a press conference!?! The fact that NBC wouldn't release the broadcast rights so the event could go on without a TV show is bull-headed and pouty. Bad form. So now everyone suffers.

A press conference is the same thing as looking up the winners the next day on the website; it just takes longer. Ah well, I need to study for my stats final anyway. I really want this strike to affect the Oscars. People will stop being so damn stubborn once the Oscars are threatened.

Obama Wins Iowa!

This makes me happy! Did you notice that he is channeling the intonation of Martin Luther King, Jr. during his speech last night? Listen to the way he says, "They said..." and "America." TM and I noticed it instantly. I was aware of the emotional reaction I had when he did it. Luckily, I like what he's saying.

I'm reading an old Time magazine article about Obama and they quote him as asking for "a party that doesn't just focus on how to win but why we should." He is such a wordsmith! Which is so refreshing after eight years of listening to a guy who sounds like a complete idiot. I dig it.

Happy Birthday, TM!

Babe,

I love you so much and I am so glad that I've been able to celebrate two birthdays with you. Here's hoping we celebrate many more together.

-Baby Cakes

Happy New Year, Y'all!

I have been allergic to my computer for the past couple of weeks. The idea of using my laptop for anything, even checking email, has created a strange reaction. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I used my laptop every single day of last semester.

What that means is that even when I had plenty of opportunities to post while spending Christmas at The Ranch, I didn't want to. So to sum up, it was a great time. TM's family actually got me presents...which I didn't expect...and I didn't have to work as hard with the cows. It was very cool to see all the calves I worked with over the summer all grown up and almost as big as their mothers. I was able to meet the last of TM's family and got to know other family members better. Lots of great food was consumed.

One funny story: it's cold there. Very cold. Negative temperatures were often reported. We would wake up and it would be 15 degrees below or 22 degrees below. I went running one morning and frost formed on my eyelashes. I had to keep wiping my eyes in order to open and close them.

So, it's a New Year. As you may know, I try to avoid resolutions and instead work under a yearly theme...like this one and this one. This time I do have specific goals I want to accomplish, but I still need a theme. So this year, my theme is to Not Get Complacent. This year is going to be rough, and it would be easy for me to blame Harvard for not doing anything else but going to classes and writing papers. But I do want to keep doing things: like exercising, like moving forward on non-course requirements of my degree, like keeping my weight down.

So my theme will be my personal kick-in-the-pants so that I keep my head out of my ass. Wish me luck!