I Have Figured Out "The L Word"

I just finished watching the Season 3 premiere and finale of "The L Word." They are both featured free On Demand so that you get all attached and order Showtime to watch Season 4. I watched both of these episodes on Angela's suggestion. They busted a CW all over the episodes, cutting out all the sex and swear words, but you could still get the gist of the action. And I've figured it out..."The L Word" is just a normal soap opera. Instead of portraying heterosexual relationships, they portray lesbian ones.

I know I am stating the obvious...but I really believed them when the show first started and they said it would "truly" portray the lives of lesbian women. Perhaps they are. Perhaps the point of the show is that lesbians on TV do the same insanely unrealistic things that straight people do.

I'm going to think on this some more...but not too much more. I'm not going to subscribe to Showtime, so what's the point?

Procrastination

Ugghhh! I'm supposed to go running today. It's already almost 2pm and I'm still in my PJ's. I have to go today because it's to the point that I'm getting more used to not running than running, which means all the work I've done by running consistently for the past week or so will be undone very quickly. Okay...after this post, I'm going to go run. Actually, I will finish this post, watch the funniest SNL skit EVER...then I will go run.

So the purpose of this post is to share with you a funny little ditty that I found on someone else's blog. Unfortunately, I can't remember the blog's name or how I got to it, so I can't reference it. I'm really sorry. I did, however, email the ditty directly to my mom, so I have the link to that. Are you from a Scrabble family?

I Am Not A Complete Financial F*ck-Up! I Am Not!

Money is my Achilles' Heel. I feel like a complete idiot when it comes to money. Even as I have made HUGE strides in handling my bills better and getting rid of debt, I still think I'm a schmuck.

I KNOW I am not a tool...*she says more to convince herself*...I mean, by the end of January, I will have gotten rid of about five thousand dollars of credit card debt by setting up automatic withdrawals; I will have paid absolutely no interest on my first new credit card in years by paying off the full balance for three months. I will have not had any previous balances on my monthly bills for at least six months...the exception being cable and Internet. I think I resent how expensive that sh*t is, so I resist paying the bill. I still pay it, though. Granted, the "Law & Order" payment helped, but I was still the one who managed that money. For many people, this isn't a big deal. This may sound like a father declaring, "I take care of my kids!" as if he was doing something special. But Americans are billions of dollars in debt, so I know I am not alone.

I have a long way to go, that is for sure. But whenever I feel down on myself, I go online and look at my TIAA-CREF retirement account. I don't have tons of different accounts that have my money making money, but I do have my job's 403-b. From my first day at work, I had them deduct money out of my paycheck...pre-taxed, of course...and did research into which mutual funds to best place it for my age and whatnot. Once I was working a year, my job started to contribute to the fund as well. The result: I've got five figures in my retirement account and I've contributed about half that amount. The rest comes from my job and the money the account has made. The best part about it is that I'm fully vested in all of it! So I get to roll ALL of that money over when I leave.

This makes me very proud of myself. It gives me the confidence to know that if I can get a handle on some parts of my money, even after 32 years, I can get a handle on all of it.

I haven't come up with my New Year's Theme yet, but I do know it will incorporate budgeting every month, building up my emergency fund, and helping Ella socialize better with other dogs in 2007.

Movies That Makes You Applaud

When is the last time you applauded at the end of a film? I don't mean self-consciously clap, but applaud as if you had just seen a great play or a cool jazz concert? Last night, I saw a movie that made me so happy that I applauded at the end.

Angela and I saw Dreamgirls last night. It was an okay movie filled with amazing performances, ala Ray. Some of the numbers were cheesy, but the movie did a great job of incorporating the music into the plot. The movie was not afraid of referencing the theatrical source - both consciously and subconsciously. Much of it took place on stage or in dressing rooms, so you never forgot that everyone was performing. The camera angles were created to connect the movie audience with the audience in the movie, so we were all watching The Dreams together. That was very cool.

Jennifer Hudson was fantastic! Granted, she didn't have to play Lady MacBeth or anything, but she worked it! Her showstopper, "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" literally brought the house down...and I was in one of the largest movie houses in the city. She filled up the space with every facial expression, every hand on the hip, and especially every note she sang.

Another way the movie referenced the theatricality of the material was through the end credits. They were presented like a curtain call, with music and everything. There was a short montage of each actor's scenes in the movie, so you got to cheer for each of them individually. Jennifer Hudson's montage, however, began with a drum roll and the words "And Introducing..." When her name appeared, everyone stood up. Even though our brains knew she couldn't hear her standing ovation, our hearts didn't care. In such a cynical city, how fun it was just be unabashedly and openly happy.

Tight Lipped

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I hosted my second Christmas dinner last night. I think it went pretty well. Everyone got drunk from eating too much, no one got sick from drinking to0 much, and people felt comfortable enough to stay till 1:00 am. Ella and I got to spend our first Christmas surrounded by friends new and old, and one kick-ass newborn. AND...I woke up this morning with only six wine glasses to wash because I had periodically been washing dishes all through the evening.

I learned yet some more things about myself yesterday:

1. I've got one twisted sense of humor. The older I get, the more twisted it seems to get.
2. I am extremely Type A when it comes to entertaining in my home. I don't want to be, but I just am. I thought that being Type A was just about being on a power trip. But it isn't. I would just to get really anxious if things weren't being done a particular way. So my Type A-ness would kick in because it made the anxiety go away...and I felt better. And it was very specific to getting rid of trash and putting unused item away. I just didn't want anything superfluous around while I was cooking. It was strange to recognize that.
   

On to my post.

I've spoken before about my silence regarding my love life. I'm contemplating whether or not it is self-imposed. Clearly, I'm not all that comfortable gushing about most anything. Maybe it's some warped sense of not wanting to make other people uncomfortable. I'd hate to be one of those women who only talks about their boyfriend, yet there is a reason that phenomenon exists. In the early stages of a relationship, it's normal to be smitten with every little thing he does. It doesn't necessarily make you co-dependent, or moving too fast, or unrealistic...does it?

Perhaps I'm afraid my friends will say what I say to myself ALL THE TIME: Well, you felt so good about Ex and see how that turned out. If this doesn't work out, like all the other ones didn't work out, how stupid will I feel? Pretty.

I think I might be afraid that they'll say I brought it on myself. Which of course I did. Which of course everyone does when they enter a relationship and it doesn't work out. Unless the red flags were there from the beginning and you didn't see them. In that case, you REALLY don't deserve any sympathy. Which is what happened with Ex. But of course I didn't have the vision I have now, so there was no way I would have seen them then. Arggghhhh!

All I know is that I want to gush about The Mormon. I'm crazy about him. With him, I have had some of the best times I've ever had with a man.

We are both very comfortable having a moment and then analyzing that moment, so for the first time ever, I feel completely comfortable to be my overanalytical self.

He is funny, romantic, passionate, so sweet.

He is not afraid to tell AND show me how he feels about me. I've never felt so loved and he hasn't even said the words.

We've only been dating for a couple of months, but I felt we should have been together for Christmas. And we should have definitely been together for New Year's.

I am thrilled he is a part of my life and I am a part of his.

See? That wasn't so hard. So why do I feel bad? Eh...I don't know. I am going to try to be proud of myself for not letting that fear stop me from attempting to be present for this amazing experience.

A British Accent Makes Everything Better

I came home Friday evening exhausted! I was so happy to begin my 10 days of holidays and vacation. I turned on the TV and nothing was on. So I ordered Imagine Me & You from On Demand cable.

It's quite a sweet movie, and it's pretty predictable. The American version of this romantic comedy is made almost every other month. But there is something about British wit and British accents that made this movie so much sweeter and funnier.

You want proof that what I say is true? Piper Perabo was the lead. She had to feign a British accent for this film...she did a solid job. She's was also in Coyote Ugly and The Cave. Not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination. Yet her mediocre acting abilities were totally masked by all the wit and the accents!

Random Trivia: It was made by Ol Parker, an ordinary-looking chap, who just happens to be married to Thandie Newton.

Happy Christmas Eve!

Why Is It So Hard?

Why, in a City that Never Sleeps and has a Square that is lit up like it's daytime 24 hours a day, is it impossible to find white Christmas tree lights to replace the defective ones I bought on Tuesday?

Law & Order Update

I'm sorry I am just now posting about the Law & Order shoot last week.

It did indeed happen, but it is hard to explain. It was exhilarating, exhausting, frustrating, fun. I came home after running errands and checking on The Mormon...who ended up having salmonella poisoning...around 3pm. When I arrived, there were approximately 40 people in my apartment and in the hallway outside of it. There were also lights, microphones, boom stands, monitors, cameras, sound board, and cables set up in every available space except for my living room and bathroom.

My living room was painted a gross off-white, pinky color. I thought they were going to move in all their own furniture, but to my surprise, the art director ended up using a lot of my stuff. My couch, bookcases, entertainment center, and rug were all part of the shot. I was so proud!

With so many people in such a small space, I was expecting chaos. Instead, the crew was a well-oiled machine. When they had to shoot the detectives discovering a clue in my bathroom, they lit the scene through the window from my fire escape, and put the camera and sound people in my bathtub. They knew exactly when to call in the "B cast" (aka stand-ins) and when to call in the "A cast." When the direction shouted "Action!," everyone became absolutely silent, no matter what they were doing.

I spent most of the time in my kitchen standing behind the sound guy. I don't know his proper title, but he sat behind the huge mobile sound board and recorded everything. I talked with assistant directors, camera men, electricians, lighting people, sound guys. The director sat in the hall watching the scene from the monitor. He invited me to watch the shoot from his vantage point, but I figured I would end up seeing his vantage point when I watched it on TV. There is definitely a Law & Order shooting style. My apartment looked completely different in the monitor than it did as I watched Jesse Martin walk through it live.

They were finished shooting seven lines in two hours. Once they proclaimed "the gate was clear," all those 40 people and all their equipment were out of the building in 30 minutes. A well-oiled machine, I tell you.

They didn't get around to putting my house back together until Wednesday. But by the time I got home from work and picked up Ella from her nanny's that night, it was as if they were never there. They painted my living room back to its original color and moved most of the furniture back to where it began. It was eerie!

I took lots of pictures of my house and I got a picture of me with the Jesse and Milena. I won't show you that one because you are not allowed to see my face, but I will show you before and after's of my apartment.

Overall, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I'm glad I made the call. Getting that extra cash this time of year was a wonderful bonus and I have memories of Jesse hugging me to get me through those cold winter nights. Tee hee...

Thank You, Bush?

As usual, I am listening to All Things Considered. Michele Norris...I love her!...is covering the question of whether Americans can/will/would vote for an African-American President. In her story, Michele speaks with Diane McWhorter who says that Colin Powell made Americans comfortable with seeing a Black man as a national leader and Condi Rice made Americans comfortable with seeing a Black person in the inner sanctum of government.

I was actually talking about this issue this weekend and I said essentially what this McWhorter said: ironically, we have Bush 43 to thank for laying the groundwork for Obama in '08.

It's Christmas Too, Damn It!

I just finished my run. My route is basically the Jewish neighborhood that borders the West Indian enclave I'm a part of. I love running there on Saturdays because there is not a car on the road.

Anyway, I discovered today that not every house is populated by Jewish people. There were two houses that were decked out with Christmas gear to within an inch of their lives! It was as if they were proclaiming their own holiday spirit against the imposing neighborhood. It was funny.

Little do those households know, most of the time the people walking around don't care about Christmas decorations in front yards. I run through there all the time and I bet no one could identify me in a line up.

Ghosts and Celebrations

My apartment is a ghost town tonight. The people from "Law and Order" painted my living room today. So instead of the warm, inviting Moroccan Red it has been for the past two years, it's now a plain, dull off-white. All of my cushy, lived in furniture has been pushed to the middle of the living room. The aged wood bookcases are smooshed next to them. My TV is on the floor of my bedroom. They've unplugged my stereo.

It's so stark and so quiet...and it smells like paint.

It reminds me of when I first moved in...the previous owner just finished whitewashing everything when I bought the place.

It reminds me of what I felt when I first moved in as well...so tonight, there are the ghosts of Ex and Her and depression and grief sort of floating around my living room.

But I got a look at the shot list for tomorrow and it says "L. Britt's Residence." It also says that Jesse Martin and Milena Govich will definitely be here. I'll be receiving a phat check for them being in my house. I'll have to remember to be nice to Milena; I don't have the same excitement over meeting her as I do for Jesse, but that's only because she's new. I'm sure I'll grow to love her as well.

So I'm crazy excited and a little overwhelmed that this is actually happening as well as freaked out at how different my apartment feels and how much that puts me off-kilter. I don't think I've ever had such an intense relationship with my living environment before.

My street is a ghost town as well tonight. They are clearing the street in front of and behind my building by towing all the cars still parked. I have absolutely NO sympathy for the stupid idiots that parked right where there have been signs since Friday saying "don't park here tonight." It just goes to show how incredibly ignorant our country is. Either they didn't read the neon green sign that begins by saying "No Parking," or they read the sign and decided to defy it. As if by leaving their SUV on the street, they would show the cops who's boss. Dumb fucks!

As I see the cars get hauled away, I secretly think to myself...It's all for ME! Even though I know it isn't, it does make me smile.

To top it all off, my The Mormon is very sick and I am worried about him.

As you can see, I'm a big ole mess of emotions this fine evening.

Maybe it's just the paint fumes...

A Dream Come True

My lip is bleeding from biting it for so long. I wanted to let you all know about this big event as soon as it happened, but I didn't want to jinx it. However, today I saw clear signs that the process has begun, I have signed a contract, and received two confirmation phone calls, so now I feel confident screaming from the Internet rooftop.

Drum roll, please...

"Law & Order" is shooting a scene in my apartment!

Let me begin by saying how much I love this show. Love it. The theme song is my cell phone ring tone. When TNT has the marathons...I always watch. The show has been on for 16 years and I have seen most of the episodes. It was always a dream of mine to be an extra. Love it!

So when I saw a letter posted on the door of an apartment building in my neighborhood last week with "Law & Order" letterhead, I stopped in my tracks. Poor Ella! The letter stated that they would be shooting at the college nearby and were looking for an apartment to shoot a scene in.

I ripped the letter off the door and called the number right away. Luckily, the location scout had just posted the letter and was still on the street. I told him about my place; he told me what he needed. We met on the corner and I escorted him to my place, me telling him about my love of the show all the way.

He liked the size and the layout, but told me since they were using at least two places to create one "TV apartment", they probably couldn't use mine. It didn't fit with the other places he'd seen. We shook hands and I got ready to go over to The Mormon's.

Later that night, I saw I had a message on my phone. It was the LS. He just happened to visit a house across the street from my building and met a lovely couple whose home does match mine. So he wanted to bring some people to my house the next day to get their opinion. More "Law & Order" people would be in my house?!?! Of course!

The next day, a group of eight people came in and walked around. They turned on all my lights, stepped in my bathtub, spoke in hushed tones, got annoyed by Ella's barking. The director of the episode was very mean-looking. He was not impressed by my love of the show. They left.

Later that day, I got a call from the Assistant Location Manager, who told me the following: they loved my place, it was perfect for the shot, but it's too nice. They would have to paint my living room to make it work. Because of that, they are contacting all the people who live on my apartment line to see if there is another place easier on the art department.

You mean, someone else could benefit from my love for "Law & Order?" Yup. Ah well...

The ALM said chances are still good that it will happen in my house, so unless I hear otherwise, expect a technical crew to come by the following day.

The next day I'm working from home with no pants on when I get a call from the LS. Can we come by your apartment again, he asks. I'm confused because it's several hours before the tech crew is supposed to arrive, but I am not going to say no. He says, we'll be there in a couple of minutes. Remember...I had no pants on. So I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that displays my Alma Mater. Thirty seconds later, I hear a knock on the door.

This time, about 11 people come into my house: location people, camera people, art department people. Ella is barking: Get out of my house! and peeing on the floor. The director is NOT amused. I'm thinking Ella is going to ruin it, because he is staring at me trying to quiet her down. Instead, he asks me if I went to the college on my shirt.

I say yes.

He says he went to the college on my shirt. He asks me when I graduated and what my major was.

I tell him. It was his major as well.

We reminisce over faculty and the famous alumni he knows.

The mean facade was cracked.

The contract was delivered and signed later that day. They increased the compensation they first quoted because of the "inconvenience" they caused. What? This has been the most convenient thing that has every happened to me!

So next week, there will be a couple of days where I wake up very early. The lovely living room I painted myself will be transformed and then transformed back. Jesse L. Martin may be all cop-like in my house. It will be a VERY nice Christmas because of the check they're cutting me. And one of my favorite shows will forever have a piece of my apartment in it!

Labels

So I'm a girlfriend again.

The Mormon officially asked me to be his girlfriend on Sunday night. And he actually asked me...it reminded me of the scene in Easy that I like so much. And though I am thrilled by the fact that I am his girlfriend, the fact that I am A Girlfriend is kind of strange to me.

I know...it makes no sense.

I've dated since Ex, but I haven't been in a committed relationship since him and I guess that is what's so strange to me. There was a time when I never thought I would be in a relationship again. Yet, here I am.

And it's a nice one, nonetheless!

One where he makes a point of asking me how my day went; one where I am Sa-Tis-Fied, if you catch my drift; one where we love learning about and from each other.

There is a part of me that wonders when this is going to end, because of course this is going to end, right. What I am going to do to mess this up.

But I don't wonder enough to stop. I'm too happy.

I'm not rebelling against the label "girlfriend." I'm very comfortable with traditional societal roles and names for things. It what it means, you know? I am someone's girlfriend! Ahhhh!

The bonus I guess is that someone is my boyfriend. So I have a date on Saturday night, and someone to beat up people who are mean to me...though I would never make The Mormon do that. Well...maybe...depending...

I don't know. Ultimately, I'm happy to be his girlfriend and I'm glad he's my boyfriend and I'm having a great time and feel really good, so I'm not going to angst over this too much.

Another Online Therapist

Got this from Beebergirl. It's kind of eeiry how right on it is.

The Peach
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMf)

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

DREAD: The False Messiah
CONSIDER: The Loverboy, The Playboy, or The Boy Next Door

Your exact opposite:

The Nymph

Deliberate Brutal
Sex Dreamer

Take it Yourself: The 32-Type Dating Test.

How You Know You're Ready to Own a Movie

I only like buying a DVD when I know I'm going to watch the film over and over. For some, that's easy to determine...like those films I've loved since I was a teenager.

However, when I'm wondering if a recent film is worth purchasing, these are things I pay attention to:

1. When I'm watching the film on television, I get frustrated by the fact there are commercials.
2. I'm not at all annoyed with the cheesy music that is clearly used to manipulate my emotions.
3. Mostly everyone is speaking with a British accent.
4. Hugh Grant, Alan Rickman and Colin Firth is in it.
5. Colin is a little silly in it, but in a very tall, sexy way.
   
6. Even though I've seen the flick a bunch of times, I still stay up till 3am to watch it again.
7. I cry at the same spots every time.
8. All the women are really beautiful, but not in a "feel bad about myself" way.

This all adds up to the conclusion that it's time for me to own Love Actually. It is a Christmas film after all.

The Best "Grey's" Yet

Last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy was by far one of the best so far this year. There was crazy drama, great dialogue "I passed you the torch...and you BLEW IT OUT!", and the action moved forward at a nice clip. It was definitely one of the best-written episodes of this season. For the first time this fall, I liked the entire episode, not just parts of it. Those twins were quite brilliant.

However, the reason this episode was so amazing was because...drum roll, please...there was NO voice over in the beginning of the episode. It just began. Yup, just started right in on the action. The writer made a decision to show us, instead of tell us (which is Good Writing 101). I was thinking I may have lucked out so much that there was going to be no voice over at all, but they put it at the end. Ah well, let's hope that this is Shonda's way of phasing out the voice over. People who rely on it to tell them what to think about the show are just stupid! There, I said it!

Color Me...

I found this meme on playing the informal six degrees of separation game in the blogsphere. You know, you go to a blog you frequent, read a comment from another blogger that intrigues you, then you go to that person's blog.

So I will try to imitate the creative way Trinity2 posted this meme.

[RED]
1. Closest red thing to you? The border on my kitchen table placemats.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? Oh my, yes!
3. Last thing to make you angry? A woman in an SUV that didn't stop at the stop sign while I crossed the street, but instead drove around me to merge into traffic.
4. Are you a fan of romance? Oh my, yes!
5. Have you ever been in love? Yup! I think I'm heading back there soon, as a matter of fact...
6. Do you have a temper? Yes, but it's not a violent one.

[GREEN]
1. Closest green thing to you? The plate that holds a slice of my mom's sweet potato pie.
2. Do you care about the environment? Yes! Can you imagine anyone saying "no" in this day and age?
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? My little sister. She is pursuing a similar life-changing project; however she is spending a lot less money than I am.
4. Are you a lucky person? Not really, but as I told The Mormon last night, I do try and take advantage of opportunities.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? Not always, but I can't say never.
6. Are you Irish? Nope.

[PURPLE]
1. Last purple thing you saw? The shirt I'm wearing right now.
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Damn straight! I have no problems being a kept woman.
3. Do you like mysterious things? Only if I'm eventually let in on the secret.
4. Favourite type of chocolate? Milk.
5. Ever met any royalty? I'm sure I have. I went to an Ivy-League school. Aren't those Royals always sending their kids to some Ivy?
6. Are you creative? I try to be, even if it's only by creatively supporting true creative types.
7. Are you lonely? Not right now. But I'm trying to embrace it more when I do feel that way.

[BLUE]
1. Closest blue thing to you? The jeans I'm wearing.
2. Are you good at calming people down? I'd like to think so. Unless the subject matter is something that upsets me as well.
3. Do you like the ocean? It's gorgeous.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? The Mormon...but in a good way.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Very much so.
6. Can you sleep easily? Oh yeah.
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach.

[YELLOW]
1. Closest yellow thing to you? Does my tan dog count? If not, well...the neighborhood Yellow Pages.
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? The year I lived in DC was pretty awesome.
3. Favourite holiday? Christmas.
4. Are you a coward? No.
5. Do you burn or tan? Tan.
6. Do you want children? Most definitely.
7. What makes you happy? Ella, The Mormon, cooking for guests, silly sayings like "Fish Rubbings," and shooting the shit with Angela.

[PINK]
1. Closest (dark) pink thing to you? The writing on my underwear.
2. Do you like sweet things? I do, but I don't have a sweet tooth at all.
3. Like play-fighting? Depends on who with... ;)
4. Are you sensitive? Oh my, yes!
5. Do you like punk music? No! And what does punk music have to do with pink?
6. What is your favourite flower? I don't really have a favorite one...I just like getting them.
7. Does someone have a crush on you? He better!

[ORANGE]
1. Closest orange thing to you? My mom's sweet potato pie.
2. Do you like to burn things? Ummm, not in the way I think this question implies...
3. Dress up for Halloween? Nope.
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Yes.
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? Security of a relationship.
6. What would your superpower be? I liked Trinity2's answer, so I will copy its tone: Are you implying that I don't have a superpower now!?!?!

[WHITE]
1. Closest white thing to you? The mounds of paperwork I brought home with me.
2. Would you say you're innocent? Hell no!
3. Always try to keep the peace? I do try...though I don't always succeed.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? I gave up imagining that long ago.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? I'm a New Englander...of course I do!
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctor's or dentist? Neither.

[BLACK]
1. Closest black thing to you? My nail polish.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? Actually no. I can't risk messing with my juju.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? I have the ability to be either or both, depending.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Though I am becoming more private as I get older.
5. What is your favourite colour(s)? I don't have one.
6. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? Not anymore. In college, it did all the time.

This was a lot of work to make it look right, but I enjoyed playing with all the pretty colors.

Can You Catch Lactose Intolerance?

I am really starting to think you can catch it like pink eye or the flu. I have plenty of friends who have been afflicted with this condition for years and I never became suseptible. I date someone for six weeks who suffers as well and now my digestive system is acting like I'm on a roller coaster. The only difference between my friends and The Mormon...I've decided to call him that not because he is at all a Latter Day Saint, but because he has odd connections to them...is that I make out with The Mormon. I'm really starting to think he gave me lactose cooties...which is I guess a lot better than other types of cooties.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thanksgiving

I woke up on this Thanksgiving morning with a true realization...I'm at peace with my family. A few years ago, when I started a long stretch of therapy, the first thing we tackled was a realistic view of my parents, how they raised me, how they interact with me now. It was ugly...many of the memories I have were warped to protect them or myself. Some of my most painful memories my mother doesn't remember, and there are others my dad remembers that I don't. I went through a lot of anger and disappointment and sadness regarding them.

But at some point, I came to peace with them...with all of it. Some of it had to do with some acknowledgement on their part of mistakes that were made. Some of it had to do with knowledge on my part on the futility of dwelling on the past. Most of it had to do with acceptance on both our parts that we are all adults now.

The result is that now I can enjoy spending time with my family. I fully accept them and the fact that they are not going to change. I acknowledge that I am in no position to judge. I also respect my boundaries and know when the visit needs to end.

It's so strange, so great to be truly thankful for all of it, all of them...warts and all.

Happy Turkey Day!

The Definition of a Fireball

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like the fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." -Jack Kerouac

I Think I Was Duped

I think someone pulled a fast one on me. I grew up thinking that when you find "the One," "your soulmate," "the love of your life," or whatever, all issues disappear in a puff of smoke. Or a fairy godmother soaks up all your insecurities into her magic wand. Or all the animals of the forest gather together to create a trap for your inner demons and throw them into the sea.

I subscribed to this belief wholeheartedly. So when Ex called me "the One," I assumed everything was going to be okay from then on. When things ended up being the complete opposite of okay, I blinded myself to with the notion that my fairy family member must have sucked up all my fears while I wasn't looking, which explained why I felt like shit. It couldn't have been because Ex was verbally and emotionally abusive...I was his "One."

Now I see that, in fact, relationship issues do not go away at all when you begin a cool, new one. In actuality, they are likely to rear up even stronger. A positive relationship is when you're interacting with someone who wholly accepts you as you are, calls you out on your shit respectfully, and makes you want to be a better person. Yet, if you've got issues with true acceptance or perhaps if you've never had this type of relationship before, it may cause you some anxiety...even while you are relishing in such positivity.

I'm thinking I have cause for a lawsuit against Disney.

"Scared Shitless"

I'm not going into details because of my superstition about cursing new relationships by talking about them. Also, this post may not make much sense because I am still trying to make sense of it. But I am now seeing a guy whom I really like. It's been about a month. He is a guy that I would have never even considered had I met him in a lounge or on the subway: he's really tall, very thin, and he has long hair. He's also much younger than me. Luckily, I got to know him as a person through a very rigorous "getting to know you process" via an online dating service. Now I really dig him.

Since then, we've been several dates and talked about our families, our futures, our pasts, our politics. He knows all about my life-changing event and he also knows I don't like his hair (we've decided not to talk about it). He makes me laugh and I make him dinner.

I'm completely scared shitless. We just spent a great weekend together and there was a moment when I got so scared of my feelings for him that I almost kicked him out of my apartment. The last time I felt this way...something real...it was with Ex...and that turned out horribly, see the beginning of this blog. Just when I think that I have finally worked Ex out of my system, his effects keep lingering on. Luckily, this new guy is a big fan of dialogue, so we were able to talk it out.

This isn't official by any means, but we have fun when we're together and our eyes are wide open. So we are just going to keep hanging out. And he is going to be wonderfully patient while I work out my fears.

An Unique Listening Experience

I rarely listen to Bush live because he has such a weak handle on the English language that I become infuriated a man who sounds so dumb is the leader of the Free World.

However, I'm listening to his press conference right now because many things have happened this afternoon: Democrats have claimed victory in the Senate races in Montana AND Virginia and Rumsfeld has resigned. So I really wanted to hear what he had to say.

One thing that I heard him admit to is that he lied to the press. He was just asked about his comment last week on Rummy's employment, when he said that Rumsfeld would remain for as long as he was President. Bush's response to the question today was an explanation as to why he had to lie: he hadn't spoken to Rumsfeld or his replacement yet, didn't want to upset the outcome of the elections...blah, blah, blah.

I'm glad I heard it first hand because I realized something: the press - though not BFF with Bush anymore - do polish him up when they report on his conferences. I wonder which media outlets are going to call him out on this blatant lie.

He also asked the press, "Do you think I'm nuts?" And the response was VERY nervous laughter. Of course we all know what many of them wanted to say... I'm glad I heard that comment, too.

Capturing the Flags

Before I begin...a story and cautionary tale about what you should NEVER do to anyone, especially on a first date.

I had a date with a man we'll call "Ellis." Hint: I refer to one of Joan's boyfriends on "Girlfriends." I was really looking forward to it because he looked so good on paper: interesting job, owned a dog, lived in Brooklyn, etc. However, I soon discovered that there was absolutely no chemistry. We ended up talking about our jobs...a lot! The conversation never got away from trite observations. Every time I asked Ellis an insightful question, he answered with a pedestrian response.

That wasn't even the worse part of the evening. At one point, I was telling Ellis about my cheese thing...see #3 here. He was shocked! And then he did the most annoying thing EVER...he said, "You just haven't had good cheese." He then proceeded to explain that all I need is to be taken to a good cheese shop and then I'll appreciate it. I tried to tell him that I have had good cheese...I've tasted it in several circumstances and I just like what I like. He wasn't hearing it. I finally had to put my hand on the table in a "stop talking" gesture. I said to him, "Ellis, I'm 32 years old. I don't like cheese." I think he finally got the point.

He then tried to joke off the fact that 30 minutes into our first in-person conversation, he felt he knew me enough to tell me what I like. I laughed as well...but that was only to dispel my urge to sock him one.

I was able to laugh about that event upon minutes of ending the date, but I noticed something about myself. Actually, two things:

1. I put the kibosh on his arrogant behavior. Before Ex, I would have swallowed my anger and said something meek like "Maybe you're right, Ellis." But not only did I stand my ground, but I told him that his presumptions were offending me. Yeah, me!

2. A red flag went up for me in that moment. Here is a man that didn't listen when I told him something about myself. A man that proceeded to tell me I was mistaken on a point that has to do with ME!!! We weren't arguing a point of the day...I was telling him something about myself and he refuted me. That's not cool. Worse than not being cool, that's familiar to me. And I am not a fan of repeating history. When Ex used to tell me what I felt and thought was wrong, I actually listened and felt like shyt.

So the date ended with me thinking this would be our first and last date...but then he said he wanted "to do this again." What the...?!?!?!? Ellis also said, "So you have my number....", implying that it's my turn. Whatever!

I think I will call him to tell him that I don't think it's going to work out, but only because I HATE it when guys don't call even to say that it's not going to continue. But I am happy that I am learning to respect myself more in dating situations. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting better.

Happy Halloween?

It's Halloween. There is a party I could go to tonight that would be a huge blast, but I'm way too tired. I just got back from a trip over the weekend that was information gathering for my life-changing event; it was quite intense.

There are children walking up and down my street and all I'm thinking about is what to eat for dinner.

It's just occured to me that Halloween isn't my favorite holiday the way it is for most adults. I've had some good times on this holiday, but I didn't miss the weekend of Halloween parties. I'm fine.

Huh.

Maybe next year.

Maybe Bijan Is On To Something

So through the blogsphere, I've discovered a new blog. It's not actually new...just new to me. The guy is a real pip! I dig this dude because he finds the funniest and strangest things on the Web. He also drops some hints on his personal life, and it sounds like it's rife with stories.

Anyway, Tomtom posted about the end of the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 and the significance people are placing on it. The first thing I thought was: BIJAN!!! He actually might be right. The non-physical beings from Atlantis may indeed show up to mark the end of the world as we know it...damn!

I hope you know I'm being sarcastic...

Knocking the Wind Out of You

So the theme of this post is stuff that throws you for a loop. It was going to be a snapshot of things that really deserve their own posts...but I'm not in the mood to write that much. But then I got some very disturbing news and decided to change the subject. However, I still want to tell you about stuff that's been going on, so I'll try and reinterpret those events to fit within this theme.

1. I discovered that I was in love. Right after college, I had an "affair" with a man much older than me. I call it an affair...even though he wasn't married...because it wasn't quite a relationship, but it was very dramatic and passionate. There were a lot of difficult phone conversations and meeting each other in random cities. We eventually outgrew it and remain very good friends today. He called me this week and told me that his wife is pregnant. I was so happy for him, and then I started to cry. The pain was so overwhelming I had to get off the phone. Through hindsight and a conversation with a friend, I discovered that I was in love with him. I had always tossed it up to post-graduation angst, but I realized that I was indeed in love. And a part of me still thinks he is the "one that got away." No wonder the news hit me like a ton of bricks.

2. I got my tattoo on Saturday. I planned this event, so it's not as shocking, however, it ended up being a lot bigger than I originally thought it would be. I put it in a discreet, yet accessible place, but I didn't expect to enjoy the size of it as much as I do. I was going to post a picture, but I think that's blogging TMI. Trust me, it's really beautiful...even if it's three sizes bigger than my first one.

3. I had a really difficult conversation with a friend last night. It turned out wonderfully, but I shocked myself on a couple of fronts. One: I was very clear about my boundaries and expectations in the friendship. I have never done that before...with anyone. It scared the shyt out of me to be so direct about my needs, but it felt good at the same time. Two: this friend is going through a really hard time and I told her straight out that she should get help. This was shocking to me because usually I would try and be her "friend-therapist," but I knew that was not the healthiest option for either of us. I was also scared that she would resent me for the suggestion. Luckily, she didn't.

4. One of my best friends just called me and told me that one of her oldest friends, and a resident of mine when I was an RA in college, was convicted of fatally stabbing two women in February of this year. He killed his ex-girlfriend by slitting her throat, then killed her sister when she was about to walk in on the crime scene. He confessed to his fiancee and to a friend. Between the two women, six children have lost their mothers.

Now I know a rapist and a murderer. An old family friend date raped a friend of mine in high school. It was a horrible time because I had known him since I was little. Eventually, he was shipped to Texas to live with his father; the only contact I had to him was through his mother. He was killed by being a bystander in a drive-by shooting in 2001.

Me and the Cult Leader

It's strange...when most people I know talk about belief systems being used to divide and separate, they are referring to right-wing conservatives who have a very entrenched belief in God. However, perhaps because of my upbringing, I'm more sensitive to liberal, left-leaning people who have a very entrenched belief in some sort of "alternative" or non-Western religious tradition.

I was raised a Nichiren Buddhist. The first time I read the Bible was my senior year in high school for a Western Civilization class. However, about 4-5 years ago, I left my faith because it was no longer doing what I thought a religion should do. I wasn't inspired by the teachings and I wanted no part of the community. I'm sure part of that decision came from my own fear, but part of it was most definitely the group of people I was encountering.

Now I define myself as Buddhist, but I am not quite sure exactly what kind. Yes, like in Christianity, there are different sects of Buddhism! All I know is that I like meditating and I am NOT a Nichiren Buddhist and I can't get into Judea-Christian religions...I tried, I just can't. However, since I don't know exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to a specific belief system, I usually try to keep my mouth shut and my mind open to listening to other world views...hence, why I know I'm not Christian.

This "openness" or "floundering"...whatever you want to call it...can get one into trouble. The weekend I went to Buffalo, I attended a lecture by this guy named Bijan Anjomi. He's a former Mr. Universe who's created this philosophy called "Effortless Prosperity." I won't go into the details here...they aren't really the point. Suffice it to say, a lot of what he says draws on Buddhist teachings. When I was listening to him, I didn't learn anything, but I was reminded of a lot I grew up with.

Because of this familiarity I felt, I was very drawn to him. He made it sound so easy. He wasn't the clearest teacher of the concepts, but he was brilliant at making you think that what he was saying in the moment made complete sense...even if it contradicted what he said 30 minutes ago. I was almost about to buy one of his books, until...

Someone in the audience asked about the year 2012. Bijan did not go into specifics, but he said something to the effect of between 2012 and 2016, the world as we know it is going to change radically. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. After the lecture I was speaking to some of the other people there and they mentioned something about the lost world of Atlantis and the return of "non-physical beings" to the earth. I was officially done.

But what actually scared the crap out of me wasn't what Bijan said...it was how the audience interpreted what he said. Someone actually said something to the effect of:

"When the world change happens, those who don't believe may not make it through it. Some of those people may be those we love, so we need to come to peace with that."

Not only was the audience blindly accepting this Buddhism-lite, they were quite judgmental about people who weren't also blindly accepting. It was that narrow-minded interpretation of complex concepts by weak minds that made me think that I was in the midst of a cult. I've been to Bijan's website...the only reference to Atlantis is in a podcast you can purchase. All the writings on the main pages don't mention the underwater world at all. I feel like the people who are digging on him are in the middle of a bait and switch. I just want to tell them: STAY AWAY FROM ANY KOOL-AID!

Connections

Though TMFB ended up being a real loser, some significant things came out our interaction. I have mentioned some of them in an earlier post, but there are more!

One thing he reminded me of was the idea of connection. Everything is indeed connected and peace comes from the acknowledgment of this fact, as well as acting accordingly. This is a concept that I was raised to believe. It's also one that is very easy to forget, especially when you are in the midst of a crippling depression and you feel nothing but alone. Overall, though, I do believe Happiness Is knowing that the universe is constantly in conversation with you.

So after I hung out with TMFB, I became much more in tune with this concept. There have been tangible examples of it, and it hasn't stopped yet! As you may have gleaned from my previous post, I am getting another tattoo and I am wondering where to put it. I really wanted to put it on the inside of my right wrist, due to the nature of the tattoo and chakras. I had heard some negative feedback on that idea because it's so conspicuous, but I didn't care.

Until...

My neighbor...who has a bunch of non-visible tattoos and runs a custom tattoo shop...cautioned against it on the train ride to work. This is not remarkable as we talk often. But we NEVER ride to work together...ever! The fact that she was on my train and she made some cogent points no one else mentioned gave me pause.

THEN! This article was posted on the Times website less than an hour ago. The universe is telling me something. So I think I'm going to put the tattoo in a more discreet place. It will still be easily visible...because I don't believe in putting art on my body that I can't enjoy...but I will be able to cover it up when necessary.

Reader's Poll

Okay, anyone who happens across this post please leave a comment. I need to know the following: what do you think when you come across a woman who has tattoos? Be honest. Be anonymous if you need to, but I really need to know.

Thank God I Don't Believe in Hell

On the whole, I wouldn't consider myself an in-your-face type of woman, especially not regarding men. I have female friends that are completely "I am Woman, hear me Roar," and it so works for them. Often I wish I was more that way...more "Don't F*ck With Me"-esque. We won't go into the gender politics regarding societal labels for an assertive woman here...but feel free to comment.

But I heard about this on the radio this morning and thought something that could be construed by some as...bitchy. Then my s'mom forwarded me the article and the thought came to me again. So instead of pretending I'm above it all, I'm just going to say it...

Payback is a Bitch!

Addendum: It's Saturday morning and I just heard on NPR that this storm has caused major damage in the area. I'm not just talking about power outages. Apparently people have died and 100-year-old trees have fallen due to the weight of the snow. So...even though TMFB deserves to be inconvenienced, the city itself doesn't deserve this...it's a really nice city. Here's hoping the city recoups soon.

What Makes a Good Book

So I just finished this book. It was a surprisingly quick read. I was expecting this brilliantly written, witty story. It was a Times Bestseller and got rave reviews, with everyone calling it "hilarious."

I was disappointed. He's not a very strong writer. He talks about how he was never really educated and resented learning the basics of writing. You can tell. He doesn't have any style. He just tells stories, doing nothing unique with the language. The hook is that the stories are so bizarre, you hardly believe them.

And the book isn't hilarious to me...it's incredibly sad. His upbringing was so f*cked up, I had a hard time finding the humor in the stories. There was a horrible truth revealed at the end of the book and I could tell by the way he wrote it, he had a hard time finding the humor in it as well.

Also, whenever I read stories of extremely dysfunctional families that are supposed to be funny...especially if they are Caucasian families...I never find them so. I actually have a difficult time understanding how anyone could consider them funny. I had the same reaction to The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. That was page after page of a family of completely broken people. It was incredibly difficult to read...when I finished it, I felt like it was a huge accomplishment. This book wasn't as difficult to read, but I didn't enjoy as much as the reviews on the back of the book told me to. Now I'm morbidly fascinated to see how they put this on the big screen.

Strangly Intoxicating

Kelly has a link to this very strange, interactive website. At first I was kind of grossed out, but the longer I hung out on it, I got oddly sucked in. Check it out...

Dear Host to Out of Town Guest...

Let me begin by saying that overall I had a wonderful time. I stayed with you for two days and two nights. The first day was wonderful. I saw some beautiful nature, including lots of fall foliage and Niagara Falls. I even got to travel to another country for a couple of hours. I ate well and met lots of nice people. However, I felt like I had to find the good time in spite of you, especially on the second day. The second day was like a very boring lecture where you are there to focus on the professor, however the only thing getting you through it are the other students around you. So here are some general guidelines that will help you to be a better host next time you have a visitor.

1. Put out. When a cute girl is traveling to see you and you all have great chemistry in bed, then you want to get it on as much as possible. Especially when it is most likely that you will not see each other again. Don't not make out with her.

2. Don't be moody. It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of some sort of "life transformation," you have a cute girl in your home that knows no one but you...and is horny (see above). Make small talk, shoot the shit. Don't just drive in silence for an hour thinking about yourself. It's rude.

3. Don't disappear at a party. If you bring said cute girl to a football party, don't abandon her for a long period of time. Yes, she is a sociable, outgoing person who is making conversation with others, but you still can't go off with your cousin and at least not tell the cute girl that you'll be off for a while. Again, something else that's quite rude.

4. Don't act like the girl is being all clingy and full of expectations when she is SO not. Whatever issues you may have with commitment, own the fact that they are only yours. If you can't even commit to have a house guest for a weekend...a house guest that happens to be a cute girl who wants to get it on and knows for sure that you are not going to be together...you've got major problems. Don't be distant and aloof. It's passive aggressive and annoying.

5. Have a towel and a washcloth for a guest. Especially since she had clean linens for you both nights you stayed at her house.

If you incorporate these tips into your housewarming duties, I'm sure you will become a much better host.

Thank you,
L. Britt

My Ode to The Rover

This post is being written at an airport terminal, where many of The Rover's brilliant musings have been created. My flight has been delayed over an hour because they are waiting for the flight crew. It's my own fault because I am flying Delta. I know, I know...tuckergurl warned us all that Delta sucks, but it was the cheapest flight by far. I guess you get what you pay for.

Where am I go, you ask? I'm going to Buffalo. Be careful what you wish for is the lesson here. If you recall, the amazing man with whom I spent a weekend lives in Buffalo. At the time, all I wanted was for him to invite me to visit him so we could see each other again. Well, he did. Of course, it was after the pedestal upon which I had placed him crumbled and I actually got a good look at him.

There is absolutely no ill will. I actually feel fortunate that it all went down the way it did. I learned a lot about where I'm at spiritually and I came to a wonderful realization about how I view men.

For as long I can remember, men have always been my saviors or my destroyers. It's a position I put them in...any guy I meet is either the second coming here to change my life or the epitome of evil who wants nothing more than to annihilate me. Granted, I have been in relationships with very damaged men, however, I can't really remember a guy just being a guy trying to figure shit out like me. This pattern of behavior came into stark relief during my encounter with The Man from Buffalo. Once I learned that about myself, everything became so clear and I became so calm. My encounters with TMFB lost all sense of desperation as I started to see the situation in its entirety and see him for who he is. We did have a wonderful connection that weekend; he is still extremely good-looking in my eyes. He is a good person; he is still a little too pompous for my taste. But I can honestly say, it's all good.

I guess my interactions with him via email and the phone reflected this shift because he did indeed invite me to come visit him in Buffalo for a weekend of fall festivals, pumpkin carving and football watching. I'm looking forward to getting out of the city and seeing foliage uninterrupted by buildings.

Note: This trip was sponsored by Michael Bloomberg, who has instituted the $400 tax rebate for all homeowners in the city for the third year in a row. Thanks, Mike!

"Giving Flowers While They're Alive"

My Aunt Polly told me that during the wake of my grandmother seven years ago. I was offended by all the people coming up to my mother saying how much they loved my grandmother when neither Grandma nor my mom had heard from them in decades. They had a right to be there and mourn her passing but don't be fake about it, was what I thought. Polly said that the key was to give flowers to people while they're alive, because they are of no use to someone when they're dead. I've been trying to live that saying every day. It makes it so much easier to give compliments and not feel weird or exposed. I'm just giving flowers while they're alive.

I say this because a good friend of mine has been quite supportive of me lately. It's not about supporting me through a crisis or anything...she's just been there, you know? So, just in case I haven't said it as much as I've thought it, I want to let her know that I notice the support and I really appreciate it.

Let Them Go...

I'm in a bloggy mood today...and definitely not in a mood to do work, so expect some posts today.

My first blog will be about the fact that today is a cold day. It's not freezing or anything, but it's definitely chilly. One must close his/her windows to keep out the chill. Most people are wearing jackets and long sleeves. It is also cloudy and gray and damp, with sporadic rain showers.

Yet, despite the fact it is a mere 55 degrees with no sun in sight and it's OCTOBER, there are still people in Our Fair City wearing flip flops. Granted, yesterday was a lovely, sunny fall day...however, the operative word is fall! Summer is officially over. It's time to put away the tank tops, the shorts...and the FLIP FLOPS! And no, it's not alright to wear them even though you're wearing jeans and sweatshirt. It's time to cover your feet. Why? Because it is cold outside.

Best Show on Television...Hands Down

I have just seen the best new show on television. I've been watching a lot of television for the past couple of weeks, checking out new shows, seeing what old shows are giving me and this show was amazing. I was riveted the entire hour. I was nervous about leaving the TV even for the commercials. It was shot like a movie, I swear. I even knew what was going to happen and I still didn't want to miss a minute. It was very well acted and the cinematography was so professional. I'm all over this show.

Final Fasting Update

I officially broke my fast last night with a lovely dinner of baked chicken with onions and mushrooms and steamed asparagus in garlic and butter. Yesterday was a mess: I was miserable and weak all day and started getting a migraine. As soon as I decided that I wasn't going to wait until Monday, a level of calm and peace came over me. It was the peace that I had been looking for all through the fast, actually. Though I didn't make to Monday, I feel good about what I did. I also learned a great deal about myself, my body, my relationship to food and liquor.

I want to give a shout-out here to my good friend, without whom I would have broken down on Saturday afternoon. She joined me on my quest for cleansing and it was so helpful to have her to call when I was feeling weak. She also had conversations with others who fast on the regular and she got a lot of information about what not to do next time...not in winter, not on a weekend, etc.

Though I wasn't at all in a spiritual place during this fast, I have a new found appreciation of food. Food is great! I think I will try fasting again after the winter.

Time for lunch!

Black Pride

I'm listening to one of my favorite NPR shows, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me. The guests for the "Not My Job" segment are Elmo and his puppeteer, Kevin Clash. Through this segment, I just found out that Kevin is black.

That makes me happy.

Fasting Update #3

This is no longer fun. I'm so distracted by the physical components of my fasting that I haven't been contemplative at all. The spiritual aspects of this fast have gone out the window.

I did go out last night. My friend, who just broke up with her boyfriend, came into town. I was going to bail because I was feeling so weak, but I made my miso soup "dinner" and felt better. I saw friends from grad school who I hadn't seen in years. It was a good time. I brought my own juice and I didn't feel at all left out. However, when my friends got french fries and chicken fingers, I felt the saliva fill my mouth. I hadn't ever actually felt my mouth water. It was funny!

The "cleansing" aspect of this whole thing began last night. I woke up with a headache. I get the sense I'm staying close to home today.

I really can't wait to chew food tomorrow.

Fasting Update #2

It's about 7:30pm and I have hit my fasting wall. All day, I've wanted food just because I'm used to eating, but now I'm hungry. I want to chew something! I just woke up after a two-hour nap and I feel like I'm operating a little outside of my body. The nerve endings in my skin are all tingly and my limbs feel light. I'm going to make my soup and hope something hot will make me feel better.

On a different note, I'm extremely motivated to do clean out everything: my closets, my to-do lists, etc. Well...I was. Now I'm just cranky and hungry!

Fasting Update #1

So I've decided to do a cleansing fast this weekend. I've been feeling gassy lately and I'm in the process of trying to detoxify my spiritual self. So I thought I would externalize that internal cleansing. For at least this weekend, I'm only drinking 100% fruit and vegetable juices, and purified and spring water. I've only gone through a morning, however, I've already made some observations about myself. I've decided to jot them down as they come to me.

I decided that I was going to this right, so Ella and I walked up to my local food co-op to get organic juice and ingredients to make a miso broth soup for my "dinner." As I walked, I noticed how often thoughts of food and eating came into my brain. I would pass by restaurants and think "I should go there this weekend." I would look at the specials advertised in the windows of grocery stores and think "I want to make/bake a dish." All take-out places were possible places for me to grab lunch. Of course, after every one of these thought, I had to check myself. But it was bizarre how frequently the thoughts occurred.

Letting Off the Steam

Angela has agreed...after much begging and pleading...to see A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints with me tonight. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. However, the only way she would see it with me is if I kept my cool during the film. So in order to do so, I will now gush here about the hottest hottie I've seen in a long while: Channing Tatum.

He is SOOOOOO hot, I lose my shit every time I see him. I wanted to see another of his films, Step Up, because I'm a sucker for dance movies...see my love for Dirty Dancing...but I was blown away by the hotness that was Channing. That movie was horrible, but he was by far the best thing in it, aesthetically and talent-wise. Even his big ears are hot to me. His body is ri-DIC-ulous, he can move and he can kiss...all things he did in abundance in the movie. When I saw the preview for A Guide... during The Science of Sleep, I started hyperventilating a little bit.

Does that ever happen to you? There is a person on-screen who is so attractive that it becomes painful to watch? I've had that experience two times that I can remember: seeing Oded Fehr in The Mummy II and seeing Takeshi Kaneshiro in House of Flying Daggers. You have to look away because just the sight of the person gets you hot and bothered.

This film is going to be good; I'm pretty confident that the story, the characters and the performances are all really strong. However, I'm thrilled for the opportunity to see Channing in a real movie, to see if my lust for him can turn into love of his acting ability. I'm sure I'll see him all beat up and evil; I think I will lust for him more because of it.

But I will just have to squeeze the armrest for support. Angela will not see me sweat!

Update: The movie was uneven. Angela and I both agreed that it was definitely a first film...a very good first film, but a first film nonetheless. The director's strength lie in his ability to pull performances out of young actors. The heart and soul of the movie are in the young ensemble. Dito is fortunate because he got such a talented cast; anyone less apt and the movie would have been unwatchable.

My Channing is a good actor. So not only did he look AMAZING...and even that word in all caps doesn't do his hotness justice...but he created a compelling, nuanced character effortlessly. He is just so natural....naturally SEXY!!!

Daphne's Shout-Out

I promised one of my bestest friends that I would praise her on this blog weeks ago and I am just getting around to it. My bad...

She shared with me the secret of getting rid of acne in record time. You do not need to buy expensive treatments from a chi-chi salon. All you have to do is buy Neosporin and use it as a spot treatment. You don't even need to buy the name brand, you can buy the store brand version. It's fantastic...it cuts the shelf life of zits by at least half! I'm so grateful to my friend, Daphne, for showing me the light to clear skin.

Thank you, Daphne!

Boys are Funny

Why is it that they want something...or someone...the instant they can't have it? And why is it that the instant they get what they want they don't want it anymore? As a woman you just have to laugh.

Is Jimmy a Big Enough Star to Make an Enemy of Matt?

Matt Damon actually turns bright red. I don't know...I think I would be pissed too.

Make sure you click on the volume button in the lower right hand corner and turn the volume up to hear it.

Freakin' Universe!

So He...see below...is from Buffalo. I've never even thought about that city before this weekend. Now, of course, it's everywhere I look. I see an article about its possible redevelopment on the Times website today and I just heard on All Things Considered that a Buffalo family will be the first to sue Chiquita over the recent e. coli in spinach outbreak/scare.

Stupid universe...stop rubbing it in!

So I was Thinking...

I had myself a good cry last night. I haven't really cried over something going on in my life in a long time. I figured I was all cried out from last fall and winter. It felt good...eventually...made me feel things I had really blocked off. It also made me come to some realizations.

I realized I am disassociating from myself. I remember telling my good friend that all I can do is just want him to invite me to his town, and yet I cried myself to sleep when I felt he was blowing me off. Clearly, I'm not being honest with how I'm really feeling.

I realized I still have so far to go with my self-esteem. I can sincerely give out the "You Are Awesome" advice to all my friends, yet I can't wrap my mind around my own awesomeness. Vaslav, one of my best friends, wrote, "Now, I'd like to hear you say "I like the idea that he could be into someone so amazing as me!" All I thought was...yeah, I'd like to hear that too!

Finally, I realized that I have no faith. That's the most upsetting thing to me. I really am dying inside. I don't have faith that I will find someone. I think I seriously question the whole idea of love. Every time I see a loving couple, they are the exception, not the rule. It doesn't matter how many times people who know me say...you will find someone...I don't believe them.

And I know that I have to believe it first before it will happen. Damn my world view!

And We're Done

Yup...just as I suspected. It's over before it's begun. I've gotten confirmation that I am "one of the most amazing people [he's] met in this life," but I don't think he's feeling it the way I am.

You know what the suckiest part is? He reminds me that I am creating this vicious cycle just by being who he is. We spoke this weekend about one's environment being a reflection of your inner self, as well as the connectedness of all things. Not in a "blame the victim" way, but in a "you control your environment" way. I know it's the truth...I've got this cynicism and doubt about my love life, all this fear that Ex has ruined me for love, so the result is my environment keeps proving me right.

And now I can't tell anymore if I really like him or I just liked the idea that a man so amazing could have been into me.

I'm just going to go to bed and start over tomorrow. My goal is to still feel good about this weekend, though the outcome may not be exactly what I had become attached to.