Gratitude and Hope

Let me start out by saying that I have probably doomed myself by proclaiming my thoughts and feelings about this man. I have this nagging pattern of ruining potential by merely mentioning my interest. But this one caught me off guard. I didn't plan on "interest," just a fun night.

I just finished writing seven paragraphs about how we met, how much fun we had, etc. I deleted it all. It's not doing my experience justice. This man is unlike anyone I've ever met. He is on a path to deeper self-awareness and spirituality...and he misses the fact that he can't watch "SportsCenter" in the morning with his new work schedule. He likes to analyze his thoughts and actions just like I do...and he is a horn dog! He can go out and down some beers with the fellas...and he knows the name of every tree in my neighborhood.

Very long story short: I took him home on Friday night, we ended up talking and talking some more on Saturday morning. We saw each other again on Sunday and it felt right as rain.

Now I am all flummoxed. We connected...but I don't know what it means. I know I will hear from him again. But I don't know if I will ever see him again. And though I am hesitant to admit this...I really want to see him again. One of the many wonderful things he shared with me was that in order to attract more, I need to appreciate what I have. So instead of looking beyond myself...I should just sit still and be thankful. I'm taking that gift to heart.

Can I be appreciative and still want him to invite me to Buffalo?

Wow.

That's really all I can say. I had an amazing weekend. I'm more than a little freaked out by how high I'm floating right now. I need today to process and get my feet back on the ground. I'll provide details tonight once I've decompressed.

A little hint: a cross between Ben Affleck and Lance Armstrong...with a body like the latter, and the sensibility of no one I've ever met. Tee hee!

This City is Crazy!

I know that NYC is a zany place. You would think that after almost eight years here, I would be used to it. Alas, you would be wrong. Because just when I think that I've finally acclimated myself to the insanity...I see more that stretches the definition of "crazy." As a matter of fact, just this morning, I saw:

• The reincarnation of Rhoda from The Bad Seed. This Aryan Nation-looking blond boy was playing in a playground that I pass every day on my walk to work. He saw a pigeon just hobbling along. He proceeded to scare the bird away with an undecipherable "RRARGHHHH!" The pigeon got the hint and was hobbling away...but that wasn't enough for the demon child. He got out of the sandbox and proceeded to chase the pigeon all around the playground, blond locks flying in the wind, screaming the whole time. I see serious anti-social behavior in his future.
  

• Someone being moved out of an apartment through his/her window. Why? Because that person was a sufferer of hoarding disorder. In the 5 seconds or so it took me to walk past the window, I saw newspapers piled to the ceiling and a mountain of beer bottles in the corner. There was no open space in the entire apartment. The movers couldn't go in the front door, so they were going in through the street-level window. And they couldn't bring the boxes into the apartment; they were taking the stuff out of the place and packing on the street. As a person who can't deal with kitch on any level, I really can't understand this disorder. All I know is that apartment was a sight to behold.

Remind me next time to keep my head down.

It's Our Anniversary

Today is 9-11-06, which makes today the 5th anniversary of THE 9-11.

I lived in New York City when The Towers Fell.

This country, and especially this city, has spent the last five years trying to figure out who owns this tragedy, who should have the most say. Trying to figure out how to mourn the loss of all those people, all that freedom, all that safety.

I don't know the answer to any of the above questions. All I know is that I will never forget that morning. I'm not talking about the images that we've all seen in the news. I'm talking about I will never forget that I was getting ready to go to work. I was a little late...per usual. I remember listening to "Morning Edition" on WNYC and I remember Andrea Bernstein telling me that there was a fire in one of the towers of the World Trade Center. I remember my roommate and I sitting in the living room...me in work clothes, she in pajamas...watching the horror unfold. I remember my roommate and I trying to contact all the theatre people we knew who were temping down there. I remember trying to contact my friend because his wife worked on the 10th floor of one of the towers. I remember the phones not working. I remember walking to the hospital because no one could...or wanted to...use the subway. I remember standing in line for hours to give blood. I remember being shocked that I could smell burning all the way in Harlem. I remember seeing pieces of burnt...paper...building...clothing? floating through the air. I remember all those "Missing" signs...there were so many signs.

The term "9-11" is mentioned every day in NYC news. There is constant talk about the Memorial, about health benefits to the Ground Zero workers, about construction of buildings around the footprint, about the release of more 911 recordings. I know there are lots of people in this world that need this day to stop and remember. But I'm not one of them; I can't seem to forget. I feel a little guilty for getting upset because I know there are thousands of families that have more "ownership" on today's grief. But perhaps 9-11 belongs to everyone who lived in this city on 9-11. Because every single person here will never forget what they were doing on that day. We will never forget.

"HELLO ELLA'S OWNER!"

I would put a picture of Ella up here, but Blogger in beta is giving me grief.

Anyway, that's what I was called this evening as I came home from work. The little boy that lives on the end of my street only knows my dog's name, so now I am "Ella's owner," which I think is hilarious.

I also think it's a great transition into announcing that my legal woes regarding Ella and my apartment are officially over. As of last Thursday, the Board's attorney and I signed a Settlement that states I am allowed to keep Ella and I have to pay $1,500 of their legal fees. I fought that whole legal fee thing up until the very end, so I'm a little salty over it. On the other hand, the Board wanted me to pay all the fees...almost $6,000...and their lawyer tried to bully me in paying half of that, so at least I didn't end up paying as much as they wanted. I have until the middle of next month to pay the fees off and I feel good that I am able to do it.

So after almost six months of going to court, talking to lawyers and vetting settlement agreements, Ella and I get to stay in my apartment. I thought there would be this huge wave of relief when this was finally over, but actually I knew I had won this case months ago. We were haggling over logistics.

I am proud of myself for standing up for Ella, and by extension, standing up for myself. Ella's presence has saved my life and through her, I now understand unconditional love. I am proud that I didn't let anyone intimidate me into giving her up. I'm proud of the fact that handled my business: did my research, collected all my documentation. Every time I came into court, I was completely prepared. I feel good about that.

Ella and I are home.


************************
On another note, why the hell was Jamie Foxx in the booth for "Monday Night Football"? He was in one football movie a million years ago...how does that qualify him to wear those giant headphones?

Check In

My weekend is over. Let's check in and see what I accomplished.

• "Article to write": check.
• "Some movies to watch": check.
• "House to clean": ehhh. I washed my dishes, swept my floors and straightened up my clothes. I also did a little dusting and general straightening up.
• "Hair to wash": check.
• "Exercise regimen to re-jump start": nope. But I have been looking at my spare tire often enough that I'm so sick of it that I wake up early tomorrow.
• "Laundry to do": check. I realized I didn't have enough to make a load, but I did wash my sheets and duvet.
• "Life-changing project to start up": nope.
• "Books to start reading": nope. But I did catch up on my TomKat & Suri Vanity Fair. It's actually pretty good.

I did go on my date Friday night. It was a lot of fun and he is a great kisser. Ella and I hung out together all weekend. I also made oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies from scratch.

Not too shabby. Off to bed!

I Heart Turner Classic Movies

I love this station so much. It makes having cable completely worth it. They play great old movies with NO commercials! More than anything else, it's this station that makes me want to get a flat screen TV. I just finished watching a great movie with Bette Davis and Glenn Ford called A Stolen Life. I never really dug Bette, except for when she was in All About Eve. But I totally dug her in this flick. She plays twin sisters and the way they shot her playing two characters was pretty impressive, especially for 1946.

Now I'm watching Gilda with Rita Hayworth and Glenn Ford. (TCM is honoring Glenn Ford because he died a couple of weeks ago.) Oh my God, Rita is HOT in this film! I can't think of one modern actress that's as smokin' on screen as Rita is in this movie. I am so not a lesbian, but DAMN...I would convert for her! She and Glenn are amazing together. I can't take my eyes off them...good thing I know how to type without looking.

Living for the Weekend

I can't wait for the weekend to begin. I am going to spend a great deal of time doing me stuff. These past two weeks have been insane at work. So I haven't had time to do anything other than work. This weekend, I've got an article to finish, some movies to watch, a house to clean, my hair to wash, an exercise regimen to re-jump start, laundry to do, my life-changing project to start up again, and tons of books to start reading. Despite its look, I'm looking forward to tackling this list.

No friend has called me to make plans for the weekend. Actually, people don't usually call me to make plans. I go out often enough, but my phone isn't really blowing up with invites. When I was younger, I used to take that soooo personally! No one really liked me enough to party with me! Wah, wah, wah! But now when I don't have plans, I instantly think to all the "me" stuff that I have/want to do. I think to all the quality time I can spend with Ella.

Pssst...actually, I might have a date tomorrow night. But other than that, I don't have plans.

"J'Ouvert is Everywhere!"

Early this morning I attended the most fascinating event I have ever attended in this city. It was a blast, one of those "only in New York" events...though I'm sure it occurs wherever there is a strong Caribbean population.

It's called "j'ouvert," which is a slang contraction of "jour ouvert" in French, which means daybreak. It's the pre-party for the West Indian Day Parade that's happening as I type this.

Anyone who's attended the Parade on Eastern Parkway knows that it is a madhouse. The sidewalks are packed with people; the stands are selling great food and clothing, but all overpriced; the police and their barricades make it impossible for you to get where you need to go; there are men drunk on rum punch trying to touch you, grind against you, yell things at you. All of this eventually wears you down and you can no longer enjoy all the fantastic music emanating from the floats, all the scents of the jerk chicken and oxtail stew and all the beautiful handmade clothing and trinkets.

What makes j'ouvert soooo much better than the Parade is that it's not crowded...at all. It helps that j'ouvert starts in the middle of the night...literally. For me, the night began around 12:30am when I arrived at my friend's house where we made ghetto rum punches and talked about home decorating. At around 2am, we headed out to the street, where there was a mini-fair behind the Brooklyn Museum and some food vendors had already set up their booths. People were walking up and down the street and cars were blasting reggae and calypso. After an hour or so, when we thought we had missed the festivities, we discovered that they hadn't even begun. Small floats carrying nothing but steel drums began to stop traffic on Eastern Parkway and turned down Flatbush Avenue.

Flatbush then became a block party in the middle of the night. Float upon float moved down the street and steel drums...many played by women!...pounded out melodious music. My friends and I worked our way up and down the street, sampling the music from the different floats like a buffet. We bought whistles to blow as we danced. We tried to avoid the young guys covering people in paint...that is until my face got covered with it. We got powder thrown on us from all directions. And the entire time, we just danced.

We saw some outrageous stuff. There was a man who covered himself in black paint then sprayed oil on top of the paint so his blackness shined. There were grandmothers wearing nothing but a bathing suit and a pair of sneakers grinding their booties up against 15-year-old boys...who loved every minute of it. There were hippie hipsters who clearly were tired of waiting for the G train and decided to party with some folks, and didn't care their white skin made them stand out like a beacon. There were Korean women fully clad in rain gear...they had definitely been here before.

We finally left around 5:30 in the morning. Our conclusion was that we had arrived too early. People were heading down Washington Av. just starting their adventure as we were wrapping up.

It is an event that I almost blew off..."It's too late. I'm too tired."...but it was an experience unlike any other in this City and so was well worth it. I am so glad I was there. My friends and I laughed and ate and flirted and danced and made noise...and fit right in. How often does that happen?

I'm Not Watching the Emmys

Actually I am watching it, but it's like I'm watching it with my hands over my eyes. It is embarrassing this year, painful even. It's boring and awkward and all the attempts of humor that I've seen have fallen flat. I keep trying to turn back to it, but when I do, I cringe...and put my hands over my eyes again.

For instance, I'm watching the Aaron Spelling memorial and it's just plain weird. Kate Jackson keeps looking around like she's never been on a stage before. "Wow...look at all the pretty lights!" Luckily Farrah Fawcett didn't trip up too much, but Jacklyn Smith sounds like she's making it up as she goes along.

It's like they are pumping mary jane through the air system. Everyone seems a bit wonky, you know? I think they got new writers this year and they SUCK!

I'm going to spend the rest of this evening watching a "Grey's Anatomy" repeat. Does anyone else think that the music videos...I mean the commercials...for the new season of "Grey's Anatomy" are soooo cool that you may not actually be able to wait for the season premiere Sept. 21st? Or is it just me?

P.S. I did turn back to the Emmys and just caught the "In Memoriam" section...I've always dug that section.

The Most Realistic Scene in All of Moviedom

I just finished watching Easy, an indie film by Jane Weinstock. I rented it because it's listed on tuckergurl's Amazon Wish List, and though we don't always agree on films, I am always intrigued by her choices.

The film was pretty good. It was much better than Where the Truth Lies and better acted than Brick, two other films that I rented last night.

The most fascinating scene of the movie was when Jamie and Mick decide to be in a committed relationship. They are sitting on a couch. They just had sex for the first time that morning after courting each other for months. He says he wants a commitment, she says "let's try it" with a big smile...and it's done. They are now boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no candlelight or moon shining down on them. No violins swelled. AND it was an actual conversation, the way it often happens. It wasn't just assumed because they kissed or because they had sex. It was great!

Check out the flick. It's got a great cast and enough stuff happens that the plot moves forward and it does what indie films do so well, get inside the characters' heads.

What a Birthday Present!

I am so happy! I just found out that the FDA has FINALLY approved over the counter sales of Plan B, or the Morning After Pill, to women 18 or older.

I am so in shock that something coming out of the Bush Administration makes a lick of common sense. Finally, the Democrats are using their power like the Republicans and getting shyt done.

Not that my love life needs this pill...Sheeeeeeet, I need a Plan A before I can use the Plan B. But I enjoy the fact that I now have the option to purchase it when I need it.

What Are You Looking At?

When I was a kid, the days leading up to my birthday were almost as wonderful as the day itself. Each day was filled with anticipation; they were special in their own rite as the "days until my birthday."

I've been thinking about that a lot this past week, since these were the "days before my 32nd birthday." There was none of that anticipation this time. Part of it stems from the fact that 32 is not that exciting a birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah...all birthdays are special, but really, it's not that big a deal.

Another part of it stems from the timing of my birthday: this is the busiest time of the year for me at work, so I'm all wrapped up in projects and planning. I've also been really preoccupied with the anniversary of my breakdown. For some reason, I've been worried I'm going to relapse because the fall is coming. I don't really know why...I never connected my emotional problems with the time of the year...but I am now. However, two people who saw me through this time last year told me that I seem way more stable than I did then. So I'm going to believe them.

With all that, my birthday hasn't really been on the forefront of my mind. But today is the actual day, so I decided to relish in it and let the other stuff go...at least for today. As I contemplate stepping even further into my 30s, I notice something interesting. Instead of looking behind me and reviewing my life the way I have done for the past several birthdays, I'm looking into the future. I know this year is going to be filled with a great deal of change; I know because I'm the one doing the changing and I'm totally looking forward to it. It's interesting to not be reviewing or taking stock...I am really just looking forward to the new life I'm going to have.

****************

Wanna hear something cool? This morning, I told Ella it was my birthday. She wagged her tail and jumped up on my legs...what she does when she wants me to hug her. As I bent down, she licked me on my ear. I know she didn't understand what I was saying; that she was only responding to my demeanor. But I'm going to believe that she was giving me a birthday hug and kiss because it makes me happier. Tee hee.

My Sunday Musings

It's official. Sunday is my musing day...I'm always contemplative and introspective on this day. Often I am sad/depressed on this day, but I've learned to just ride the wave.

So what am I thinking about this Sunday?

• I'm thinking about the almost violent reaction I felt when I read that Single Ma was dating someone. I don't know this woman at all, yet I feel so connected to her because she has helped me with a huge part of my life. She wrote a post about wanting to start another blog about more personal matters, including her new beau. I don't know why, but a huge wave of jealousy rushed over me. It didn't seem like Single Ma had time to date! But, then again, I don't know anything about her life. I know this isn't the reality, but it feels like everyone has something real happening in their love life except me. You know what I want for my birthday: to fucking be at fucking peace with the fact that I am fucking alone!
  

• I'm getting a 7% raise, starting in about 10 days. I did the math on what it means to my biweekly paycheck...and it doesn't mean that much. But I want to use this to revamp the way I work with my money. I'm going to start reusing a budget again in September, writing expenses down, stuff like that. September will also be the first month in a long time that I'm not catching up on late payments to my mortgage...first time I'm admitting that. Falling behind on my mortgage has really screwed with my credit score, so I'm looking forward to being back on track.
  

• I have finally told people who are most important to me about my next big life project. I can't tell the blogsphere because it affects my work and I don't want someone to connect the dots from my work to this blog to me. This world is smaller than you think. I got nothing but support, however and that felt very good.

Aside: Betty White is performing on William Shatner's roast on Comedy Central and she is ROUGH and HILARIOUS! Raunchy and mean and offensive...and she gets away with it because she's in her 80s and looks so cute and sweet!

• I went to a Boz Skaggs concert last week. It was a glimpse into the world of appropriation. Boz is a white guy that has fever for the flava! All his music is R&B/soulesque as heard through Muzak. He mumbles all his lyrics like he's skatting. And of course he had the requisite full-figured, black, back-up singers. His audience was filled with middle-aged white people who truly believe they are hip because they dig Boz' music. And they proved their hipness by squeezing their middle-aged bodies in white pants and see-through tops. Or combed out their chest hair to peek through their gawdy-colored Hawaii shirts. It was surreal. It didn't help that his opening act, James Hunter, was this white, British dude who was born 40 years too late, in the wrong country and the wrong race. Luckily, James was good at being Sam Cooke.
  

Another aside: Farrah Fawcett is Loca!

• I saw Step Up this weekend with my sisters. The dancing in that movie was amazing, though the movie was filled with horr-e-ble acting and the cheeziest lines ever uttered on screen. However, something wonderful came out of that viewing...Channing Tatum. He is sooooo hot in that movie, it became difficult to watch. He got finer as the movie went along. I want to know everything about Channing. I've already found out he's been in other movies I had no intention of ever watching. However, now I have to see them because he is in them...it's that deep. It helped that his scenes were the only ones that didn't seem like an after-school special. I Heart Channing! And all you have to do is see Step Up to understand.
  

• I am going to spend this weekend and all of next week going to the Judy Holliday retrospective at the Walter Reade Theatre. I saw Born Yesterday on TV a few weeks ago and fell madly in love with her. I can't wait.
  

• I was all worried about what I treat myself with for my birthday. It was between a massage, new running sneakers, getting my hair cut, or paying off a credit card. I am very proud of myself that I'm not trying to do all these things. I know it's cheezy, but I really would get a thrill over paying off a credit card. I told you Single Ma influences me! I am trying not to be all work and no play, so that I don't act out. But I think my birthday present to myself will be the Judy Holliday film fest. Thoughts?

I think that's it. Gotta go to bed.

It's Back!!!

So Dell is pretty amazing...when you have a warranty. I sent my computer to Dell on Monday and it's back in my loving arms by tonight.

I have so much I want to write about:

• the sadness I feel about my friend hearing that her love is sick,
• the sadness/pride/joy I feel about my other friend moving to Florida in one week to follow her dream,
  
• the kooky, fun New York-style stuff I've done in the past week,
• what it feels like to have a weight on your heart lifted,
  
• the $100 I found after seeing the smelly phallic plant in Brooklyn,
• my frustration as a maid of honor,
• my birthday is in exactly one week,
  
• all I'm thinking about, however, is the one-year anniversary of my breakdown, which is fast approaching,
  
• I'm all over Idlewild. I thought it was a sign that it opened the day after my birthday, but I soon realized many a movie is opening that Friday,
• I really like a guy that likes me as well...but not in that way.

But I just finished doing laundry for the past three hours in a very hot laundry room and I'm exhausted. I'm heading home this weekend...I'll post from there.

My Thoughts on Advertising

Told you I would have more thoughts

• I think it's interesting that in the light of the recent Times article about the stereotypical portrayal of the "big and sassy black woman," one of IKEA's ads for their new catalog features a stereotypicial, middle class, Wonder bread, white couple surrounded by white and beige, the room, their clothes, etc. As the woman views all the colorful rugs in the catalog, she asks her husband, "Are we too white?"
  

• They are marketing Little Miss Sunshine all wrong. They are saying it's just an off-beat family flick. The truth is, it is much darker...and much FUNNIER than that. The final scene had me laughing so hard I was hardcore crying. That hasn't happened to me in a movie theater in years. This movie is really for single people who are afraid of starting a family!
  

• I like the GEICO gecko, but lately he's getting a little too full of himself.

• I have never seen an episode of TNT's "Saved," even though it airs directly following one of my favorite shows: "The Closer." The reason I haven't is because I feel like the ads try way too hard to get to you to watch.
  

• Both the commercial announcing the new season of Nip/Tuck and the one introducing the new LG Chocolate phone use the same song: "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp. That is a big mistake because Nip/Tuck's commercial is SO much cooler.
  

• The HP Pavilion commercials that feature Jay-Z, Pharrell and that snowboard designer are kind of phat. They make the laptops mad sexy, you know? I feel all dumpy with my boring ole' Dell.
  

I'm sure there will be more. I've been watch way too much TV this summer.

In Denial

There is an empty box in my office waiting for me to put something precious into it. I will have to do this insane act on Monday. And I can't face it!

My laptop's speakers are blown out and the sound card is corrupted. Also, the fan isn't cooling down my computer adequately, so that it's almost burning hot. So I have to send the computer back to the factory so they can fix the speakers, the fan, and replace the mother board.

I hope it won't be gone too long. I don't know what I am going to do without it. I think I'll be all right, but you never know...

Being a Woman Can Give You a Headache!

Like we don't have enough to deal with...I just discovered that fluxuations in estrogen levels are one of the major causes of migraines. I have been focusing on my diet and my stress level, but now I have to keep track of my menstrual cycle as it relates to my headaches.

Jeez!

"This is the Migraine That Never Ends"

Remember that song that sung by Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop at the end of "Lamp Chop's Play-Along"?...I loved that show. LOVED it.

"This is the song that never ends
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because..."

Well that can also describe my head since Saturday afternoon. I got a migraine while on my way to meet my friend. And because I was on the subway, instead of getting into bed I took my medication and hoped for the best.

I think that was the beginning of the end. After I threw up in the curb of Prospect Park West and got some food...not at the same time, I thought I was better. I ended up meeting another friend in the East Village, but by the time I got home, it was back.

That night, I slept for 13 hours, with one break to walk and feed Ella. When I woke up yesterday afternoon, I could do nothing but veg out. The migraine went from a throbbing pressure in the back of my head to the 4-inch knife behind my right eye I am used to.

I woke up this morning and the pain was just as ripe. I called in sick, turned on my computer to write the post, and now I have to go back to bed.

I'm "It" Again

I like being tagged by blog memes. Usually they ask questions that make me think. Questions I would have never thought of otherwise. So thank you Kelly, for tagging me.

When did I start blogging and why?
I started blogging first in September 2004. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half (aka Ex), but I was still living with him. I needed a place to metaphorically scream, and isn't that what the internet is for? This blog is actually my second blog. I started this one about a year later, in November 2005. Come to find out that I still had some residual trauma regarding my break-up with Ex. I figured, it helped me out the first time...why not try again? It did help, but after I was over the worst of it I kept writing. And writing. And here I am.

What don't I write about?
I try not to write about work or the people at work, at least not in any specific way. I don't write about friends unless it's in a "my friend and I went somewhere" kind of way. I try to work out my own feelings here, but if it's something that I need to say to a person directly, then I won't broadcast it. I'm working on creating more authentic relationships in my life, and that means saying things to people directly...or keeping my mouth shut until I can. It's very hard to not talk about things here because I feel so intimate with my blog, but I am learning that although posting can be difficult, it can also be the easy way out.

Am I and my blogging persona the same person?
I don't think so. I think my blogging persona is funnier than I am in person. I am also able to articulate my anger and frustration here better than I am in person. My blogging persona is bolder and more assertive than me.

How do I use blogging to build friendships?
I don't at all. That said, this blog has helped me reconnect with old friends and one of my coolest new friends I met through blogging.

How do I describe my blogging style?
I don't have a blogging style. I just write.

Okay, so now Summer and Melissa...you're it.